Tuesday morning. Back at my favourite coffee stand, which I somehow managed to survive two full days without. I want to stay in this neighborhood specifically for this coffee stand. I am obsessed.

Not sure what the daily drama unfolding in front of me today is about. There’s three Thai cops on motorbikes parked in the middle of the street searching a random dude. I guess he passed the test because they just let him go. Now they’re back to directing traffic. Now they’re all just leaving two motorbikes parked in the middle of the intersection? What? No idea what I am witnessing right now.

Okay, now that little sideshow is over… time to focus my energy back on me.

Last night was definitely the drunkest I’ve been since I’ve been in Thailand. Like, yeah, okay, I’ve gone out with some friends and had some dranks, but I didn’t get fucked up. Not like I do when I’m alone in my apartment watching TV, which is something I have not done the entire month I’ve been here. But last night… I was pissed about the whole India thing, and the only thing I could think of to do about it was drink three large Thai beers.

Luckily for everyone, I did not encounter Ze German in the elevator or on the rooftop while in my rage state. That would have been crazy. Now that I’m sober again, I can hear my dad’s voice in my head lecturing me about how I need to read that book about the French spy in WWII who hid from the Nazis using a fake leg. I guess the point he’s making is not to be so obvious about my feelings and stay hidden until I can amass real power to fight back.

Anyway, the good news is that I did not wake up with a hangover this morning, so shoutout to cheap Thai beer!

Okay, so I got drunk and felt all my feelings. Now what? Do I really have to take India off the menu forever? It’s so unfair! But at the same time, I do feel for my ex. He’s not in a good place mentally right now and he deserves empathy. I understand what it’s like to be fixated on/obsessed with someone who you think can solve your problems and remove all of your pain. I get it. But you know… there was also a point where I finally realized that none of the cave trolls I was obsessed with could fix my problems. I had to fix my own problems with lots and lots and lots of therapy. And that’s what he should do. I think he’s the one who needs to go to the yoga shala more than I do. He really needs to find his peace.

Meanwhile, I just need to give myself props for not fixating on the guy from this weekend. Not that there’s anything to fixate on, really. I thought we were both pretty upfront about the whole situation. There was a lot of very clear and direct communication happening the entire time, about pretty much everything. I kept thinking to myself, “This is why I love New Yorkers. No bullshit.” It was very refreshing. About as refreshing as the “Mexican Lemonade” I drank the other night, the ingredients of which are still a mystery to me.

I find my life is much easier when I direct my obsessive energy at things like yoga and Netflix and creation in general. Men are not worth obsessing over, in my opinion. And anyway, obsessing over people makes you do crazy things, like reactivate your dead mother’s cellphone in order to contact your ex right before she is supposed to leave for India.

That is a real thing that just happened to me in my life. This is why I write about my life instead of writing fiction. This crazy shit just happens to me. Back in 1880 Town, those idiots would constantly accuse me of “making things up for attention.” But I wasn’t making anything up. I was just sitting at Bloody Mary’s waiting for Mad Dog to show up and all this crazy shit just happened to me. Like Andrew. Wow, what was this? Still he haunts me to this day, and it’s like… why? How? What is that? So bizarre.

Anyway, I still separate the two in my head for my own sanity. Andrew is the fictional character version of that absolute nutjob of a former bar owner who once had a screaming meltdown at me in the middle of the street. Needless to say, I strongly prefer the fictional version because he’s actually funny and entertaining. The real dude is just… mean. Mean in that way that all of those idiots back in 1880 Town are. Mean for no reason. Casually cruel to anyone who isn’t an exact clone of them. They’re all cut from the same cloth as the Kristi Noem, and it shows.

Have I mentioned lately how grateful I am that I don’t live there anymore? Because I’m really grateful I don’t live there anymore. That place was actually The Worst. I never want to go back there ever again.

In a rather pleasant twist of fate, the teacher friends of my weekend were date were from Minnesota and Iowa. They treated me like a fellow refugee who just broke out of a Prisoner of War camp. One of them had left Iowa to move to New York City in his early 20’s, which he said “radicalized” him. He explained: While growing up in a small podunk town in Iowa, he was taught that anyone who isn’t white and Christian is evil and bad. Then he moved to Brooklyn (the non-hipster side) and discovered the truth. He said that New Yorkers treated him with more kindness than he’d ever witnessed back home. All of these people who he had only ever heard being demonized were the ones who were there to pick him up when he fell and help him out when he was struggling. Now he likes to pass on that energy and out out kindness into the world.

Yet another reason to love New York City. So proud to have it in my blood. I still wish I could live there someday…

Anyway, like I was saying, this guy has been super helpful so far. He gave me lots of info about job hunting here in Thailand. I felt comfortable asking him for housing advice as well, so that should come back around pretty soon.

In the meantime, I need to get my shit together. Find an apartment, find a job, just stay here and chill in Thailand instead of hopping around. Do I want to travel more? Yes, of course. But it turns out, my desire to nest is significantly stronger than I realized. Packing up my apartment yesterday made me feel… bad. I didn’t want to pack up and get on another plane, then move into another hotel, and then another hotel, and then the shala, and then another hotel, and then another flight, and so on and so forth. Instead I was overcome by a very, very, very strong desire to just find a home and stay there for awhile.

So, that’s my priority now. I like Thailand. It’s chill AF (except for the crazy traffic) and very comfortable. So, why not?

Time to break out the CV and start hustling. I admit I feel much better after talking to those other teachers. They both had real experiences, so they were very firm on the whole point of, “You have a Bachelor’s degree with a double major, a TEFL cert, and a yoga teaching cert. You don’t need to settle for these bottom-of-the-barrel crap jobs like the one in Hong Kong. You can find something better for better pay and they won’t treat you like shit because they actually like Americans here.”

They are right, I am wrong. I have a massive self- esteem problem. At least I know where it comes from. Every time I see the list of abusive relationship behaviors circulate around reddit, I go down that list and think of multiple examples of that behavior I’ve seen in my life from family, frenemies, and exes. I am definitely susceptible to emotional manipulation from abusers like that, mostly because my own mother treated me that way my whole life.

Have I mentioned lately how grateful I am that she and her family are no longer in my life? Cutting all ties with them has been the greatest choice I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d had the power to do it at age 18, but I did not. Sadly I had to wait until I was 36. But it doesn’t matter anymore. They are all gone now and I don’t have to ever see or speak to them ever again.

For all the ridiculous shit that has happened to me on this trip, I still wake up every day full of gratitude. I’m grateful to be here in Thailand, grateful for this adventure, and grateful that I no longer have to listen to my blood relations shit all over me every single time I try to attempt a conversation with any of them. God, they suck. They’re just mean for no reason. It’s like they’re in a competition with each other over who can be the meanest and cruelest. I would definitely prefer to be excluded from this narrative. Have fun living in a pile of toxic nuclear waste?

This is the definitely the best thing about Thailand so far. No one here is mean for no reason. Everyone who comes here is running from something or someone. Back in 1880 Town, it was always coming at me from all sides. My family were jerks to me at home. My co-workers were jerks to me at work. The other students were jerks at school. The townies were jerks at the bar. Everyone was just so mean and nasty and negative ALL THE TIME. Every day. Every single day. Every casual little conversation became an opportunity for one of these jerks to make some rude, passive-aggressive comment. It was soul-sucking, draining, just miserable.

Ugh, what a terrible situation to escape from. It’s so refreshing not to be treated like shit by everyone all the time for literally no reason. I was so over it. I am still so over it.

This is probably why I like the show “Too Much.” Like I said last night, Episode 5 was the turning point. That’s when I stopped seeing the main character as vapid and started relating to her on a deep soul level. Like, yeah, this is me. This character is me. I am her, she is me. I am the weirdo who buys the bunny ears at the gas station, lol. 100%.

Definitely re-watching. I still have two and a half episodes left. Normally I binge but I’m going slow with this one. Probably because I have to keep stopping because it’s weirdly triggering. Not triggering in a bad way, but like, in a way that makes me reflect deeply on my own behaviors and how I allow toxic people to steamroll me constantly.

I can sit here and point out other people’s shitty behaviors all day. At what point do I build up my self-esteem enough to stand up to these jerks and say, “Hey, the way you’re treating me is not okay and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

I guess I’ve already done that with my family. Baby steps. One small step for Betsey, one giant leap for mankind. Maybe? Idk!

Meanwhile, how is that story going that I started at the beginning on the month? Oh, it’s going nowhere. Turns out I just needed to get laid and that’s why I was channeling all of my unused sexual energy into a story. Yet another reason why I started questioning the yoga shala thing. My weekend date pointed out to me that if I’m using my writing skills in that way, it probably means I need to have more sex, not less. He said I’ve already been celibate for too long. Well, that may be true, but maybe you shouldn’t be giving that advice to someone you’re fucking when you know you’re about to leave and never see them again.

Men. What even are they? I don’t know. He said he would love it if I used his real name in my writing, but I know better than that. I never use real names, ever. It’s 100% a legal thing. I also have to be extra careful now because of the Baby Reindeer lawsuit. So, no real names for him, but maybe we can give him a nickname? Something clever that has nothing to do with his race.

I could call him my Weekend Date, but that makes him sound like a male escort I paid to keep me company at a friend’s wedding where my ex is the best man. Maybe something more amusing, like The Rare Pokémon? Haha, I like that one. Let’s just call him the Rare Pokémon. I think he’ll be on board with that one.

Okay, Rare Pokémon it is. Look how shiny and holographic he is! I will put him on the page with all of my other shiny holographic cards in my collection. Wow, look at that, he’s not actually that special after all. Just another one for the books. One and done. As they say in New York City, wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

I was calling my ex Mr. Bollywood, but that name doesn’t really fit. I don’t even know what to call him. The Mistake I Made in Goa? Ugh. Who even cares anymore? I just want him to get better, and maybe find a nice Indian girl who will make him dinner every night.

I must be off now. I could sit here all day and watch the street traffic pass by, but I need to get my CV game strong. I will resolve to spam the job boards today. The less I think about it, the better. Just update the CV, write a quick cover letter, and just start spamming the job boards. Send it everywhere. Let’s see what comes back.

Have a good day, ya’ll.