Tuesday. 2:15am. Waiting for McDonald’s to be delivered, which is not something I’ve ever done, lol. Luckily, they are still open at this time of night. I used to be someone that didn’t approve of going to McDonald’s in a different country, but now I like to try the local flair late at night when I need something to eat.

Bastille Day came and went without incident. I spent the day wandering around my neighborhood. I checked out the selection of apartments, found some treasures at a thrift store, and finally got my nails done.

My nail salon experience was top notch. Better quality, better price. I got a fill for my gel nails, a spa pedicure, an eyebrow/lip wax for $70. Just for reference, in the States, the mani/pedi alone would be $120 and the wax would be $30, not including tip. This is how mani/pedis became a once-a-year special treat on my birthday instead of a frequent upkeep and maintenance thing.

Yeah. Definitely came in significantly under budget on that one!

Still haven’t had my hair done, but I’m still not sure about it. I’ve grown it out so long and I don’t want someone to chop it off again. I had so many negative experiences with hairdressers in South Dakota. Ugh. I NEVER, in all that time I lived there, ever found anyone who could cut my hair properly. Prior to that, my whole life growing up, I got my hair done by one lady, who was Thai, who always made me look gorgeous, even I couldn’t see it at the time. So while I already trust Thai women more with my hair, I’m still just being very protective over it in general.

In the meantime, I found quite a few excellent apartments available until the end of August for much more reasonable prices. I will get the checkbook balanced out again to make up for overspending on this hotel for two weeks. It will also buy me more time to figure out what I’m doing with my life. Or at least find a new job, which is the most important thing…

I wonder if I made the right decision about leaving Hong Kong. I think about it a lot. I always come to the same conclusion, which is yes. Everything about the situation just wasn’t right for me as an individual person. The company was shady AF. Additionally, the city itself has such a weird vibe right now. I made the classic mistake of jumping at the first opportunity I got instead of taking the time to figure out the right opportunity for me.

Still not sure what that looks like, but I definitely know what it doesn’t look like, which is also important.

Sitting out in the lobby waiting for my delivery. Just watched a Passport Bro bring a sex worker in from the bar. So fun! I see that all the time here. Another reason I want to move to an apartment instead of living at a hotel. Less of that type of energy and more normal everyday residential energy.

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Tuesday morning. Went to sleep last night very shortly after pigging out on my late-night delivery. The delivery service is so cheap here. It’s not like in the U.S. where they tack on $50 extra for all these weird fees. It’s very straightforward and cheap here. I actually paid less to have my McDonald’s delivered to me here than I would have paid to go pick it up in the States, which is insane.

So many reasons I’m glad I don’t live in the States right now. So many reasons.

Having a very hard time checking the news right now. It just makes me want to barf and cry all at once. The things I’m seeing just make me sick. Luckily no one has bothered me about my opinion in about two weeks, so at least I can cry alone in peace.

I haven’t talked to anyone in this hotel at all. I’ve barely talked to anyone in the two weeks I’ve been here. The most glaring exception would be the tour guide, who I paid to discuss historical and spiritual topics with. Otherwise, nothing. I am like a ghost here. I could get run over by a scooter in the street and die tomorrow and no one would know for like three months because no one ever talks to me or checks in on me. At least now I know what will happen to me if I die here. That crypt wasn’t so bad! I could deal with it.

Just kidding, of course. I took out a travel insurance policy that specifically covers the return of my remains to my home country if I die. Someone just has to remind my brother that I emailed the policy to him. Unfortunately, I can already foresee how this entire death abroad thing would down with my family. Ugh, what a mess. You know what? It’s not even worth it. I absolutely cannot trust those people to even throw me a funeral that’s worthy of my life, talent, and personality. Just leave me alone in the crypt in Thailand so I don’t have to watch them do everything wrong and completely disrespect my personhood even more than they did when I was alive.

I have caught a few glimpses of some Americans here and there. You can mostly tell them by the fact that they like to make small talk. It used to be the way they dress, but now everyone dresses so casually that you can’t tell where anyone is from based on their clothes anymore.

With Americans, they always want to make small talk. On the elevator, in line waiting for anything, stepping out to have a cigarette. My favourite is usually when we’re both watching some bizarre scene unfold right in front on us that we have no control over whatsoever. This is the best time to make small talk with an American, as they will immediately let their observations on the event be known to anyone around who will listen, lol.

I’m starting to miss the American Attitude a bit. I’ve come to realize it is special in a certain way. I definitely need to get out there and try to meet more people. Just try again, try again, and then keep trying again. Like, deep in my heart, I know it’s pointless to socialize because everyone will inevitably end up hating me, but I can’t help myself. I enjoy it while it lasts. I may not be out here in the world making lifelong friends, but I am meeting some crazy characters along the way, and that’s good enough for me.

I keep my expectations for people pretty low at this point. I used to believe there was a place in this world where I could go and finally meet people just like me. I would finally fit in there and be accepted and happy. That never happened. That place isn’t real. People don’t stick around, ever. So now I just take it as it comes. Who are we meeting today? What crazy adventure are we getting up to? What absurdity will I encounter today?

Definitely need to get out of this hotel. I am too insulated here. I need to stop feeling bad about what happened with that shady company in Hong Kong and get myself back out there into the world. Have confidence! Haha, yeah, the only thing I have confidence in is my ability to fail at everything and be rejected by everyone.

But at least I fail with confidence. Like when I failed in Hong Kong, I failed with SO MUCH confidence. I had a smile on my face the entire time, even though I knew exactly what was happening around me. Didn’t matter. I got up there, I did the best I could at the time, I gave it my all, and I failed with full fucking confidence. So there!

That counts for something. I don’t know what, but it definitely counts for something. I mean, look at this blog, right? None of you are reading this because you care about me as person or because you find me interesting. It’s because you want to watch me fail, publicly, so you can feel better about your shitty lives. You want someone to talk shit about, and I’m fine with that, because I love any kind of attention I can get (even if it’s negative). Why? Because I am someone who was severely emotionally abused and neglected by my crazy family growing up. So, yeah, like, whatever. I know what I’m doing, you know what I’m doing, I know what you’re doing, you know what you’re doing. We all know what is going on here when you read this blog. Let’s stop pretending we don’t.

Ugh, speaking of this blog, I need to get it organized again. Too bad I can’t get the wifi to work on my laptop. I can’t do it on my iPad. WordPress was already terrible to work with; now they’ve added AI to it, so it’s somehow gotten even worse. I don’t know how or why. I’m just… totally over AI being shoved in my face via everything all the time. It’s just not useful to me. I prefer to do my own thinking. I can write, I can read, I can do my own calculations, I can create my own art. I don’t need AI for anything. Invent me a machine that does something useful and practical, like fold laundry, and then I’ll be impressed. More proof men are not superior. They invent AI and all they can think of to do with it is make sex robots and destroy the creative arts. Pathetic. Honestly, it’s just so fucking pathetic.

All right, I have no more thoughts for now. Time to go into Real Estate Mode and choose an apartment, House Hunters International Style. Good thing I watched so many marathons of that show during the pandemic. I am ready for this moment!

Still don’t love the idea of using AirBnB again, but… we must throw caution to the wind and try it out. It’s part of the experience. Get out of the haunted hotel, Betsey. Go back out into the world and start meeting people again. You can’t isolate yourself forever. That’s half of your problem is that you spend 90% of your time in isolation. That’s why you struggle when you come out into the world and don’t know how to fake everyday interactions with neurotypical people on the same level they do.

It really doesn’t help that neurotypicals are always looking for a target they can bully and scapegoat for being different. I am always that person. Always. I’ve accepted that. That’s why I just walk away now instead of fighting back. I lose either way. I walk away, I lose. I fight back, I lose. So I don’t waste my energy fighting anymore. I just leave. Like with Hong Kong. I realized just how fucked up this company was, I knew what I was up against, I knew I couldn’t win, so I just cut my losses and dipped out. It is what it is.

Now the same people who endlessly lectured me about “picking my battles” are coming after me for not standing up and fighting back hard enough. So you see, I can’t win, no matter what I do. Whatever I choose, I will always be treated the same. Whatever I choose, I will always be treated like shit by everyone around me all the time.

So, whatever.

You know what I choose right now? To go smoke pot alone on a rooftop and then do a round of yoga. Then I choose to find a new apartment, pack my shit up, and move on to the next one, onto the next one, onto the next one…