Sunday night. Currently chilling at the resort lounge, listening to the live music, writing, and waiting for dinner to arrive. I ordered steak frites and they brought me ketchup (the horror! 😱), then they told me they were out, so I got chicken instead. Sigh. I’ve been craving steak frites for weeks. Guess I gotta leave the resort for that…

Last night I was sitting here writing and this random guy approached me to ask me why I was “working on a Saturday night/holiday.” Finally, someone who appreciates the fact that this shit is work.

I had a very interesting conversation with him about the Middle East, humanitarian aid work, and world politics. So refreshing to finally to speak to someone intelligent instead of some ignorant, brainwashed MAGA townie who has never left the country, let alone the county. Dude was from Lebanon and allegedly “in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend,” whatever the fuck that means. It means I’m not interested, bro. That’s what it means.

You see what I’m saying? Just as soon as one walks out the door, another one appears to replace him almost immediately. Male attention is the most infinite resource on the planet. It is what it is.

So the latest ex, who now needs a name since he has officially become a “character,” started calling me nonstop during this conversation, which was ending sometime around 3:30am because I am infamous for my all-nighter style of conversation. He said he was coming back to Dubai and that he had been in Abu Dhabi for the last few days. He then accused me of cheating on him with this random guy I was just having a convo with and it’s like… how do you even know what I’m doing right now? Do you have spyware installed on my phone? What is happening here?

Then he demanded to know if I was still coming to India with him and I was like… wtf… you left me and blocked me several days ago and now you think you can just roll up like it didn’t happen? Are you on drugs right now? Wtf?

So he said he was coming back and demanded to know my hotel room number, which I refused to give him for obvious reasons. Standard safety procedures dictate I must meet him in the lobby where staff are present and can intervene if something goes wrong. So then I waited in the lobby and he never showed up or answered my texts.

At this point, I was experiencing the side effects of significant sleep deprivation and started melting down. I then had a significant moment of realization that this reaction isn’t a “mental illness.” This is a product of other people doing crazy shit that significantly affects my emotional state and nervous system. It’s fucked up. It’s so fucked up. The whole story of my life is just so, so deeply fucked up. Welcome to the Woman Club!

I couldn’t see straight or think straight. I was in a daze. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and realized I’ve been pushed to this breaking point before. It’s not me. It’s not my fault. This isn’t my natural state. This is what toxic, abusive relationships do to the human body. I can’t live my life this way anymore. I just can’t.

Mid-morning came and I used all of the strength and power I had to rise from the bed and extend my hotel stay again. Luckily, this resort is reasonably priced so I’m not breaking the bank here. I came prepared to encounter crazy emergencies. I learned this lesson the hard way.

As for the flight, I missed it. I couldn’t get it together in time to change or cancel it, so I just let it go. I’ve never, ever, ever done this in my life. Ever. But it was a choice between losing $200 (flights are super cheap in this part of the world) or going to the airport with my nervous system in full Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn mode to meet someone who just played a whole crazy fucking mind game with me over the weekend.

The lesson here is that personal safety matters more than money. Always remember that. So yes, I threw away $200, but I also saved myself from whatever the fuck was waiting for me there. So… yeah. I think I made the right choice there.

Finally got myself situated back into a safe space. I converted my hotel room into a full sensory-deprivation meditation cave with the blackout curtains, earplugs, and an eye mask. Then I took an edible, put on some yogi flute music, and huddled up in the fetal position. My mantra was “I am safe, I am safe, I am safe.” It took some times, but I finally calmed myself down again and put myself in enough of a relaxed state that I could finally get a bit of sleep. When I woke up again, I went straight down to the beach to lay out in the sun. Did some yoga, took a shower, and now I’m having dinner. My plan is to try to get some sleep tonight so I can hit refresh tomorrow and make a new plan.

Starting to think I should get to Hong Kong earlier than planned, just so I have time to settle into the new city before I start my new job that I know for a fact has a crazy, intense, demanding schedule that will take all of my energy.

Otherwise, my plan for the next few days is definitely relax on the beach and do yoga. I just need to hit reset and refresh.

So yeah, this definitely wasn’t the trip I planned, but I learned a lot about myself and I don’t hold any of my personal crap against the city of Dubai, or the UAE in general. It’s a nice place! Nicer than that shithole I was living in over in the States, by far. Like, it’s not even a contest. So yeah.

I’m just glad I survived this insane event and lived to tell the tale. I was not thrown from a balcony or kidnapped or raped or pooped on or any of the other fear-based narratives I was told about Dubai. I’m just chillin’ at my luxury beach resort and quite frankly, I don’t feel like leaving. That’s okay. I don’t have to! It’s perfectly fine for me to spend the whole day at the beach doing nothing. I went to the mall. I saw the Burj Khalifa. I drove around the city. I took the desert safari tour. Now I’m tired and I just want to sit by the beach and do nothing. That is literally the experience I paid for. So. Yeah. Gonna do my best to try to enjoy it without men for the next few days.

So exhausted right now. I feel like I’m in the White Lotus. Like… wow, what was that? I thought I was going to have a grand mal seizure! Someone bring me my lorazepam, stat.

That lady and I are in total agreement about “boat people,” btw. If anyone invited me to a yacht party, my first question would definitely be, “Are they decent people?” You just can’t trust open water situations. You just can’t.

Crazy.

So there you have it. If this isn’t proof that I don’t write fiction, I don’t know what is. My life is real. My stories are real. Sure, I have to change names to protect the not-so-innocent, but that’s just the thing I have to do to shield myself from lawsuits from assholes like Andrew and his Bloody Mary’s goon squad. It is what it is.

Not trying to stay out late tonight. I need to sleep. Like… for real. So that’s what I’m going to focus on tonight. Sleep. Rest. Relaxation. Get myself and my head right so I can function properly.

Haha, so funny. This moment is difficult for sure, but at least I never have to go back to SD ever again. That is literally the happiest ending I could conjure right now.

I did it. I got out. I’m out and I’m far away and I’m never going back ever again.

Also I’m so tired right now that I feel like I’m going to break down and start crying. I just want my daddy back. I don’t even know why. I just want my dad right now. I know his spirit is with me and I can talk to him any time… but like… I just want my dad back.

Full emotional meltdown coming in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…