The night I snuck out of Bloody Mary’s Bar was legendary. The night I snuck back in was even more so.

I was sitting at the bar, waiting for Tom after one of his more ridiculous dates. He had a lot to answer for. Duke had been watching me stew over his brother for some time and decided to interfere. When Tom finally came in, they pointed at me and laughed. Tom stood by the door, smirking at me like he owned the place. I knew he was inviting me to walk past him to leave, but I would not be played for a fool so easily.

I was sick of these men and their bullshit. I decided to take revenge. I reached into my purse and pulled out my lucky cigarette. I went out onto the back patio and waited for inspiration to strike. Suddenly, it came to me: I could climb the fence and sneak out the back.

My first few attempts to scale the fence were unsuccessful. I pushed a table up against the cooler and climbed on top. I was just a few inches too short to pull myself up.

“I wish some random man would appear to give me a lift.”

Luckily, right at that moment, some random man appeared to give me a lift.

He caught me standing on the table trying to pull myself up.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “Are you trying to sneak in?”

“Of course not!” I exclaimed. “I’m trying to sneak out! That old villain Tom showed up here tonight and I’m not having any of it! Do you think you could possibly assist me in my plight by giving me a lift?”

“Of course,” he said. I could tell by his expression that he was mesmerized. “What do you need me to do?”

“I just need to climb up on top of this cooler and down the back fence. All you need to do is lift me up by the legs so I can push myself up.”

He did what I asked immediately. Thanks to his help, I was finally able to climb on top of the cooler. I climbed down the other side of the fence and jumped down to the ground. I called out to the random man one last time.

“Thanks for your help!” I said. “Have a good night!”

“Say, just what was your name anyway?”

“Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire.”

I laughed my ass off the entire walk home.

Sometime later, the novelty of standing by the door had faded and I still hadn’t returned from the patio.

“Where did Betsey go?” Tom asked. “I didn’t see her leave. Did you?”

“I’ll go check the patio,” said Duke. He checked the back room, the patio, and all the bathrooms. It appeared that I had suddenly vanished into thin air. When Duke came back, the expression on his face was mystified.

“She’s gone,” he said.

“That’s so weird,” said Tom. “Where did she go?”

To this day, I still laugh about it when I’m depressed and angry.

+++

The night I snuck back in, Duke was the bartender on duty. Tom and his friend were the only other people in the bar. I decided to go to Bloody Mary’s for one last drink before I had to abstain for Inipi. Unfortunately, the presence of these three villains prevented me from walking in.

They saw me standing in the doorway and decided to come outside. I booked it as fast as I could and hid around the corner. They stood outside, as if they were purposefully blocking so I could not come in.

Well, I’d had just about enough of these men and their bullshit. I would not be denied my favourite drink before attending a Life-Changing Spiritual Ceremony™. I decided to take revenge.

In less than a moment, inspiration struck me. I could sneak in the same way I had snuck out a year before. I walked around the block, through the alleyway, and over to the fence. I climbed up onto the cooler and jumped down on the patio.

“Parkour!” I said to one in particular.

I smirked to myself and walked into the bar. Duke was still outside. I took a seat in my usual spot and sat there waiting for him with the biggest smile on my face. When he finally came back inside and saw me sitting there, the look on his face was Priceless™.

“Hi there,” I said pleasantly as I tossed a fresh twenty on the counter. “I would like a Blue Moon with orange juice, please.”

Duke looked at me like I was the literal Anti-Christ. It was probably only because his family is Super Catholic™. They are so Catholic, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually seen a real witch burned at the stake.

“How did you get in here?!” he demanded. “I need to know right now.”

I smiled at him again.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said.

Duke suddenly looked stressed out. He looked like he was about to have a panic attack. I have to admit, watching him freak the fuck out was really fun. I sincerely enjoyed every minute of it.

“Don’t mess with me,” he said. “If there’s a door unlocked, I need to know!”

I laughed at him.

“I didn’t come in through a door.”

“Then how the hell did you get in?!”

“Oh you know, just a bit of good, old-fashioned witchcraft.”

Duke’s eyes widened. For a moment, he looked like he was genuinely afraid of me. I looked forward to the moment when he finally realized that I was totally messing with him. There was no magic involved. I had just used my brain to outsmart him. Wasn’t it obvious?

“I’ll have a Blue Moon with orange juice, please. Extra oranges on the side.”

From that moment on, Duke never put oranges in my beer ever again.