Later that morning…

Currently sitting by the pool in Cozy Blanket Ghost mode. I walked out of the Aerial class earlier and just didn’t go back after breakfast. Typical me. I finally get a little bit of lift off and then I just end up crash landing again. Fucking dumpster fire status for sure. Welcome to my life.

I feel like I’m never going to get past this. Then again, it’s only been three months since I finally escaped from that horrible fucking shithole full of terrible fucking people. It might take more time for all of it to come out. I need to give myself grace, blah blah blah. Or, you know, I could just throw myself off the top of a rice paddy right now. One of these options feels way more appealing than the other.

The desire to drown myself in alcohol is strong today. Luckily for me, that is literally not an option here. I have no choice but to sit here by the pool and wrap myself in my blanket and write and stare at the rainforest instead. Sucks to suck.

I just look around me and think, “Everyone else here is struggling with their own crap. They can all do it. Why can’t I?”

Maybe I was asking too much of myself too soon? I didn’t even know Aerial Yoga existed until I saw a flyer for it last year in Goa. I thought it would be fun. I thought I could just climb up there and do it. But I can’t. It’s just another thing I failed at to add to the massive pile of things I’ve already failed at.

Instead I’m sitting here feeling like fucking garbage, unable to do anything except stare at the rainforest because all of the shit that I’ve been trying to get over for a decade just keeps flooding out. Literally every time I think I’ve made progress on any of this, it all just comes flowing right out of me again. It sucks! It fucking sucks. I’m over it. I can’t work. I can’t keep a job. I can’t do yoga. I can’t have a relationship. I can’t do anything. I’m useless. I just want to fling myself off the rice paddy and be done with this life. I give up.

I’m not going to do that because that would be totally unfair to everyone here. I think I just need to vocalize that I feel that way to myself so I can come up with alternatives to deal with my emotions. For example, everyone is going to a “sacred cacao ceremony” tonight. I should do that. I’ve never been to one of those before. Maybe if I pay some random spiritual grifter in Bali more money to appropriate yet another sacred indigenous ceremony, all my problems will finally go away.

Or maybe… not.

Anyway, I should be happy where I am, which is in Bali. I’ve only been making Pinterest boards for a decade about traveling the world. Now I’m out here traveling the world finally and I still just feel like a pile of burning trash alongside the road, but now with the added bonus of constantly feeling like I’m exploiting the people and the environment around me. Hurray?

Maybe I have a brain tumor I don’t know about. Maybe that’s what Andrew is. That’s why nothing works. Funny. After ten years, my leading theories are still brain tumor and demonic spiritual entity that latched onto me somewhere along the haunted highway on the Rez. Either one seems highly likely. There doesn’t seem to be any other rational explanation for this. I don’t know.

Well, if this is a brain tumor, it’s taking way too long to kill me. So it can’t possibly be that. I’m going with demonic spiritual entity that latched onto me somewhere along the haunted highway through the Rez. We’re gonna need some more white sage. A lot more white sage. Sigh…

Whatever this is, it feels more like an ongoing humiliation ritual than anything else. I feel so low right now. Like I don’t even want to try to get back up anymore. I am defeated. I’ve tried everything. The dragon hath been slayed. You won. You got me. I am defeated and destroyed. I cannot grow these wings back and fly anymore. I just want to crawl back into my cave and curl up and die alone.

Sad. I feel sad. I’m so sad. I was just hoping that my job in Hong Kong would work out and I would live there for a year and then I would get married and have a family and instead I’m just sitting here wrapped up in a blanket by the pool wishing I could just give up fighting forever.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. I’m just going to do the Wordle and mindlessly scroll and try not to use my brain. I wish I could just curl up in front of the TV right now and bingewatch Netflix until I fall asleep. I have no energy left. I am spent.