Wednesday night.

Sitting on the rooftop alone. I am not going out tonight. I literally just cannot even right now. The level of humiliation I feel is real.

Good timing, though. I needed to make a choice about my next step, and this has pushed me to do that. Have I made a decision about anything? No. Not even a little bit at all.

Panama Guy messaged me mansplaining what he thinks I should do now. He reminds me of a dictator. He just wants to control me and tell me what to do. I don’t care for it at all.

He says to come live in Atlanta. Meh. I don’t want to go back to the U.S. yet. I also don’t have a car anymore so I’m not interested in moving to a place where I need a car. I don’t want to drive. I prefer the metro.

I’m kinda over Bangkok after the events of the weekend. Somewhere between the English Guy and the Irish Guy, I got caught in a web I did not expect. Either way, the Irish Guy did liberate me from my obsession with the British Guy, which is great. Unfortunately, he himself turned out to be icky, so now I’m not obsessed with either of them, which is also pretty great.

He was pretty hot though. I would say he was the second hottest of the four so far. All of them have been attractive. I’m actually doing quite well in that particular arena. Dating is fun! I’m learning all sorts of things about what I like and don’t like, lol.

Likes: Educated, handsome, beefcake, alpha, professional, generally has his shit together

Dislikes: Married Guys, “Beta Simps,” Wannabe Dictator Types

The good news is that I was pretty “pissed” when I was hanging out with Irish Guy, so the whole night is kind of a blur. I was really surprised he wanted to come home with me, actually. I thought he hated me the whole time we were at the bar because I am so blunt and straightforward. I also thought he hated me because he didn’t like my story about Bloody Mary’s.

He straight up scoffed at me and walked away from me multiple times throughout the night after I said something very blunt that was “too much” for him. I was surprised when he picked up my tab at the end of the night and wanted to come back to my apartment with me.

I really liked him, actually. I didn’t like him either at first when we were at the bar. Once we were alone, he relaxed a bit. He was very comfortable with my weirdness. As I said, he was educated and sat fancy. I did enjoy my evening with him, but again, it’s blurry. I don’t think he told me much about himself at all. I don’t remember much of our conversation, actually. I just remember I kept saying to him in response to whatever he said, “I like you. I really like you a lot.”

I think I just told him about myself. I was surprised he wanted to know so much about me. All of the other guys I’ve met here have mostly just talked down at me. They don’t ask me questions about myself. They either talk about themselves or want to debate.

I showed him my writing but he didn’t look through it. He was more interested in my Hindi dictionary, apparently. I guess I understand now why he didn’t talk about himself or his life at all. It’s because he has a family that he absolutely did not mention once at all. That also explains why he did not want to stay.

Anyway, he’s gone now. Another one bites the dust. It was like getting swept up in a whirlwind. I will not easily forget that sparkly feeling I felt soon. It was something different, for sure.

Well, this whole experience has made me want to get on the next flight out of Bangkok. Where to next, I wonder?

I still haven’t made a decision. I can literally go anywhere from here. I’m going to sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow.

Goodnight, Bangkok. Thank you for teaching me that men ain’t shit and not to get angry about them. Don’t worry about them. They do dumb shit like this all the time. It’s not my fault. It’s not worth it to lower myself to their level or fuss about it. Just enjoy the moment for what it is now and wave it goodbye as it passes by.

I am a woman who is looking for love. I may not have found it here in Bangkok, but I have learned more about it here than I expected to. It’s been fun. A bit too real, maybe, but fun nonetheless.

Off to bed now. I am so exhausted from these back-to-back all-nighters. I am made for sleep…