Monday afternoon. Here I am. They say Thailand is “The Land of Smiles,” but the tagline should really be “I’m extending my stay.”

There is just no way I am getting on a plane to India after what happened last night. It’s just a big Nope for me. Nope. Just… nope.

Here are some things I’ve learned on my journey through India so far: What the BJP is. What kind of reputation Haryanvi men have. How exactly do bribes work again? And also, scary treatment of women.

So, nope.

Just nope.

What now? I don’t know. I’m on the rooftop having a drink. God knows. I reached out to a new local resource and inquired about significantly cheaper housing while I look for a job. I still have 30 days on my visa.

Sorry, India. Please know I hold nothing against your great nation in heart. I just don’t feel safe going there right now given the personal circumstances I find myself involved in.

Why am I involved? Because I am a stupid person who makes stupid choices. That’s why.

Well, so far Thailand has been pretty good to me, so I can’t complain. Maybe I can make less stupid choices here? *looks at takeout bill* Or perhaps… not.

So much drama. I hate this. I would like to exclude myself from this narrative, please. I prefer chiller vibes, like night markets and Ferris wheels by the riverfront.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that guy. Already? Well, you know, we are on vacation, so… it’s not like this is real life. You know? What more is there to say?

I’m sure if he gets curious, he’ll make his way over here and read about himself as a rare Pokémon card in someone’s collection and maybe feel differently about me using his real name. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it? Just ask Andrew…

Well, at least it inspired me to crumple up that other story I was working on and throw it away. It’s going nowhere fast. Or is it? I don’t know. I’m still so intrigued by Dubai as a setting. It’s so divisive. I can’t get it out of my head. At the very least, it’s cinematic AF. Lots of options for movie backdrops. You want a pirate ship? You can rent one. You want skiing? They’ve got a snow machine. You want a Lawrence of the Arabia remake without a bunch of white dudes with spray tans wearing brown face? Location, location, location. They’ll even throw in the desert safari for just the cost of gas and animal feed.

I think maybe they probably just want some better PR from a Westerner, lol. Reddit is pretty brutal, tbh.

Anyway…

Here we are, just catching a buzz on the patio. I swear I saw the ghost of Mad Dog here in Thailand. He was wearing his baseball cap and sunglasses, riding around on his bright orange bike with two dogs and a lemonade stand on the side cart. He says the lemonade stand is just a front for his real business, lol. He also sells lotto tickets on the side.

I miss him so much. I just know how much he would *love* Thailand, lol. I’m glad I can always keep his memory alive. 🙂

My flight to New Delhi is boarding soon. I was supposed to be at the airport two hours ago. I am not there. Instead I am sitting here asking myself why I think putting myself in a high-control environment will be good for me when we all know that it is not, in fact, good for me.

I’m programmed. I couldn’t make a choice so I thought to myself, “Why not go to a place where I don’t have to think at all? They tell me when to wake up, what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, when to go to class, when to take a break, everything. I don’t have to be burdened by choice. All I have to do is give them my American dollars and all my problems will go away. Wait a minute, isn’t this exactly how Wild, Wild Country started? Omg, JFC, what terrible, ridiculous thing have I gotten myself into now?”

Well, if I was supposed to be in that kind of environment, I guess my ex wouldn’t have reactivated his dead mother’s cellphone to call me last night. That is so scary. Bro, you seriously need to get help. I can’t fix you. I can’t help you. You need a real, qualified professional who can provide grief counseling, not me, whatever you think I am. I am not that.

Yeah, so, again, I recognize this as karmic payback for my own previous behavior towards others, which is why I am so empathetic about it. However, speaking as someone who has been through this, therapy in various forms is, in fact, the answer. Maybe talk therapy isn’t the vibe, but there are other options out there, like art therapy and equine therapy and yoga and reiki and journaling and dance and all kinds of shit to help you. You like crystals? We’ve got crystals. Whatever you need, they have it. You just can’t get it from me. I am not here to provide that service for you, or any service whatsoever, really.

Ugh, what a ridiculous day. I’m so over it. I just want to be a normal person with a job and an apartment that doesn’t cost an absurd amount of money. Why does it feel like it’s so hard?

Okay, well, good thing I ordered so much Mexican food last night. I still have half a bag of churros in the fridge I can eat while processing my feelings. They gave me so many. It’s like they knew.

Also, that place was expensive. I definitely paid California prices for that guacamole. And you know what? It was worth it. It was worth it. It’s fine. ¡Viva la México!

How am I feeling right now? Not great, but much better than I was when I woke up this morning. I woke up and I just felt… dread. Like… whatever I am about to do, this is not a good idea. I’m glad I didn’t do it. It’s just still that question of, “What next?”

What next? Uhh… idk. Eating my leftovers and drinking another beer? Taking a nap since I haven’t slept much these last few days? So many options, so little time.

Off now. I just want to be alone and wrap myself up in a cocoon and just not be bothered by anyone anymore.