Monday. At the coffee shop.

The baristas all greet me by name when I come in now. Whoever said HongKongers were unfriendly clearly hasn’t been hanging out in the right places. The baristas know me, the bartenders know me, the owners of my favourite restaurants all know me, my corner 7-11 Krewe knows me. It’s really not that hard to be kind to the people you interact with every day.

How is my Cantonese coming along? Poorly, mostly because I am lazy. I know how to say hello, Happy New Year, and how to tell the difference between the 20 different versions of “ok” (which is actually extremely useful). I can also understand when someone curses at me on the metro for bumping into them. At the bare minimum, I should learn to say “Thank you” and “Have a nice day.”

So, it’s about as good as my Thai, lol. In Thai I can say hello, thank you, and have a nice day. I can also understand when someone is talking shit about me, which has been very useful given the circumstances I found myself in when I was there.

Sometimes I think about everything that happened in Bangkok and just sit there thinking, “Wow, what was that?” So random. Like, remember that time I was just sitting at the bar alone drowning in my sorrows and suddenly got roped into some crazy shit by a random Irish gangster from Belfast and now all these men in the expat community there hate/fear me because of my blog? Yeah.

What was that?

I don’t know, but it’s a way better story than whatever dumb story I was writing right before that. Way to get me out of my bubble! Woo!

I started watching the Irish TV show “Bodkin” on Netflix. It’s about an Irish journalist who teams up with two American podcasters to investigate a cold case in a small, rural Irish town. It’s entertaining. I will say it’s helping me understand the “Slow to trust” attitude of the Irish. Yet another reminder of how much I don’t actually know about my own people and culture. Sad.

It definitely explains some of the weirder encounters I’ve had, particularly with Uncle Jason. He is not Irish, he is English (and we don’t hold that against him!), but he is the one who hates/fears me the most. At first, I thought this was very strange. I literally never mentioned him in my writing until he screamed at me right to my face. I barely had any interaction with him at all. I was mostly hanging out with his niece, who I thought was pretty cool.

For the longest time, I thought he was just mad about the Hot Beef Stew thing, which was strange because… why the fuck do you care so much that your friend and I hooked up when we were drunk? This man is an adult. He can make his own choices, which he did. I chose not to rat him out for said choices, mostly because I don’t want to create any more problems for myself.

Then I finally got someone to tell me what Uncle Jason does for work in Thailand and what sort of people he is allegedly so well-connected with. At first I was like, “Well, so what? Who cares about that? Why does he think I would care about that?”

Then I told my brother and he’s like, “That sounds like the Thailand version of [insert famous British gangster movie here].”

That was when the realization finally came over me.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh…”

I just sat there for a moment in silence with my jaw on the floor and said, “Thank you for giving me the extra +1 I needed to solve this equation.”

Okay, that explains the Fear/Hate. Still, not very interested in whatever he’s got going on over there, to be honest. As we can all see, I am clearly too dickmatized by the memory of passionately kissing the Hot Beef Stew in the elevator to pay much attention to anything else going on around me. It wasn’t until I met the Taser Guy that I realized I had stepped into such a massive pile of shit.

I still think it’s hilarious that they told an old man from friggin’ Belfast who came into the bar zapping off a taser not to talk to ME. As if I’m the crazy, dangerous one in this equation! Wow! It’s an honor and a privilege to be recognized for my journalistic skillz that I didn’t even know I had.

Here I’ve been sitting in my apartment trying to write low-brow bullshit like a smutty romance novel and live my own version of Eat Pray Love and figure out how to monetize my stupid blog, and all these men all think I’m an undercover journalist on a mission to expose their shady activities in Thailand.

That is HILARIOUS!

The projection is strong with this one.

Honestly, well done. Well done, me. I guess now I really do have to become a journalist. Anyway, if I was them, I would stop treating me like an enemy and befriend me instead. Get me on your side so I won’t write about you. Treating me like a threat is only going to accomplish the following:

1. Make me even more curious about what you’re doing than I already am.
2. Make it less likely I’ll cover for you if something shady goes down.
3. Make it completely impossible for me to look the other way and pretend I have no idea what’s going on, as I was doing before.

I don’t know. It’s probably all just some weird fraternity hazing ritual. It definitely feels like a test. Did I pass the test? I don’t know. I guess we will find out.

My one consolation prize for all of this: I might not get to attend the Emerald Ball, make a grand entrance, and have the epic Cinderella moment that I’ve always dreamed of, but I take comfort in the fact that I will be the talk of that event. Let’s wait and see how my blog stats look on St. Patrick’s Day, lolololol.

I genuinely do not know how I ended up in this situation at all. I can only think back to Saturday night when my friend and I were at the Pub to watch rugby and how I was clearly marked as “prey” by multiple predatory individuals with varying agendas.

I guess Hermès marked me as “prey” when I was sitting in the American Bar. Now here I am, dragged into this mess against my will, and this little shit still has me blocked on social media so he doesn’t have to answer for it. What a jerk. Now I understand why he is always getting punched in the face. Riff-raff indeed!

It’s funny to go back and read my previous posts from before the Hot Beef Stew. I was clearly only concerned with my endless naval-gazing, eating, drinking, and collecting hoes in different area codes. Then this guy comes out of the bar and pushes me against the wall and kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before and now all of a sudden I am subject to suspicion and increasingly negative, unwanted attention.

Ridiculous!

This is a lesson in what happens when you take a passive approach to life. I literally just sat there and waited for something interesting to happen. These are the results. Maybe next time, be more active and intentional in my approach to life.

I have no idea how to do this, of course. For most of my life, I was shut down and derailed and sabotaged. My parents actively discouraged me from doing anything I wanted to do. The answer was always, “No, you can’t do that.” Or “You would hate that!” If I did it anyway, they would find a way to threaten me or guilt-trip me or sabotage it completely. I learned to be passive in life because it didn’t matter what I wanted or how I felt. I was just there to be the scapegoat for everyone else to project all their bullshit onto.

Now I am out here in the world and I am free, and yet… I am still passively waiting for something interesting to happen to me. And interesting things do happen to me. I suppose I am just tired of ending up in unpleasant situations, surrounded by unpleasant people.

Even when I try to live my life with intention, it doesn’t seem to work out. I apply for jobs and hear nothing. If I do manage to get a job, I get bullied out fast. I try to volunteer or join clubs and get rejected. I go to Yoga Teacher Training courses and meet people who are just… mean and stupid and selfish. I try to better myself over and over and yet… nothing materializes. The only real skill I seem to have is pissing people off by writing down my thoughts and feelings. Good for me, I guess.

I am lost. But at least I’m lost in Hong Kong instead of South bumfucknowheresville Dakota. If nothing else in life, I can be grateful for the fact that I literally never have to go back there ever again. I never wanted to be there in the first place. At least I am finally free…

What will I do with my freedom today? Spend even more time sleeping? I feel like I’ve spent the last month doing nothing but sleeping. I suspect it’s my body’s reaction to no longer living in constant fight-or-flight mode. I am getting the rest I desperately need.

Still, I could be less lazy and go take a walk instead of wasting another day in bed. Some days I just get so overwhelmed by the state of the world and my lack of a real place in it.

What am I doing with my life?

I have no idea.

But at least I live in Hong Kong!