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SCRIPT: High School Reunion

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Betsey has recently been invited to the ten-year-reunion at her public high school. In spite of the fact that she switched to private school halfway though, she still grew up with all of these people and wanted to see them again. Unfortunately, the scheduled date is inconvenient for anyone whose family no longer lives in the area. In order to make herself feel better about missing the event that someone was kind enough to invite her to anyway, she decides to imagine how it would go if she was actually present.

First, Betsey goes to Andrew. She decides to bring up the subject when he is most amiable to granting requests. That is to say, when he is lying in bed naked and half-asleep after several rounds of hot sex.

Betsey: Darling, will you buy me a plane ticket to D.C. so I can go to my high school reunion?

Andrew: Why would you want to go to your high school reunion? I thought you hated high school.

Betsey: I did, but not all of my classmates were terrible. Some of them were really cool. Those are the people I’d like to see again. How often are they all going to be in the same room together? I mean, these are the people I grew up with, Andrew. I’ve known them my whole life. Facebook is cool and all, but it’s not the same as hanging out in person.

Andrew: Yeah, but everyone knows the cool people are too cool to go to those things. They moved on with their lives and never looked back.

Betsey: True, but I still want to go.

Andrew: What about Single White Female? I mean… Taylor. Aren’t you worried she’ll be there?

Betsey: Oh, I didn’t even think about that. Yeah, that would be awkward AF, especially since she named her baby Merrick after my nickname for my Vampire ex-boyfriend. But, it’s whatever. I still think it would be fun to go. Just so I could walk away with a story to tell.

Andrew: When is it?

Betsey: Two days before Christmas.

Andrew: Wow, that is really shitty planning.

Betsey: Yeah, I know. But you know how hometown people are. They don’t consider anyone outside of their own little insular group.

Andrew: True.

Andrew thinks about it for a moment.

Andrew: Does it really mean that much to you?

Betsey: Yes.

Andrew: Okay. I’ll buy you a plane ticket. But you owe me lots of hot sex in return.

Betsey: Done!

Andrew buys Betsey her plane ticket and puts her up in a Holiday Inn located within walking distance of a Potbelly’s, Starbucks, and Metro stop. On the evening of the reunion, Betsey gets dressed up and goes to the unbearably douchey bar the reunion is being held at. Betsey orders a glass of wine and starts circulating around the room.

Rich White Girls: We’re just as bitchy and cliquey as we always were. You can’t sit with us!

Rich White Boys: We’re just as douchey and superficial as we always were. Also, you got hot!

Cool People: We’re just as cool as we always were. We’re doing interesting things with our lives. We’re happy you came all this way just to see us. What about you, Betsey?

Betsey: I’m the same as I always was. I’m still sitting alone in the corner, writing in my notebook, causing trouble, and pissing everyone off. The only real difference is that I got hot and dress a lot better now.

Cool People: Haha, oh Betsey! Some things never change!

High School Crush: Hey, I never paid attention you ever, except to make fun of you along with everyone else! You got really hot! Do you wanna go bang?

Betsey: No, sorry, I can’t. My boyfriend wouldn’t like it. He gets really jealous.

High School Crush: Isn’t your boyfriend married with kids?

Betsey: [laughs awkwardly and puts on a huge, fake, plastic grin] Uhh… It’s complicated.

High School Crush: Doesn’t sound that complicated to me.

Betsey: Well, I tried to reject him multiple times but he was very persistent. He just kept showing up and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Finally I just gave in and stopped resisting.

High School Crush: That sounds messed up.

Betsey: It’s not so bad. It’s just… not exactly the situation I was hoping for.

High School Crush: Whatever. You should have a drunken, meaningless, totally unfulfilling one-night-stand with me instead. I won’t even take you out for brunch tomorrow morning. I’ll just leave right after we’re done.

Betsey: Uhh… no thanks.

Betsey goes back to the bar and orders another glass of wine. She continues circulating and catching up with the people whose lives she genuinely cares about. After she finishes her second glass, she orders another one and decides to confront Taylor. Everyone in the room is watching in excitement. They love a good public fight.

Betsey: So, how’s your baby that you named after my ex-boyfriend?

Taylor: [defensively] I DIDN’T STEAL YOUR NAME. I JUST REALLY LIKED IT, OKAY? IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S WEIRDLY UNCOMMON OR ANYTHING!

Betsey: You are the same as you always were. First you fuck around with my first ex-boyfriend Maverick behind my back, then you pursue my teacher/mentor, then you follow me to college and major in the same subject, then you go after my vampire, then you pretend you’re a writer and start a little blog. After I dropped out and you had no one to follow anymore, you decide you’re obsessed with another guy, obsessively stalk his ex-girlfriend’s social media and blog for years, literally become her, and then marry the guy! And now you’re naming your child Merrick after my Vampire ex-boyfriend?! YOU KNEW THAT WAS HIS NICKNAME. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you even have your own personality?

Taylor: I’M NOT COPYING YOU. YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING BITCH. I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE ALL OF THE SAME THINGS RIGHT AFTER YOU’VE EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN THEM. I’M THE REAL VICTIM HERE BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS OF YOUR PERFECT LIFE.

Betsey: Ah, yes. The Perfect Life where I had a nervous breakdown, tried to kill myself, stayed in a psychiatric hospital where I was basically experimented on, and had to change schools. But I had forest green mini van and a credit card that I abused the shit out of, so my life was Perfect! Yeah, you’re still the same fucking crazyass bitch you always were. Like, you are literally The Single White Female. It’s creepy AF. So, I’m just going to tell you this straight-up right now: If you ever come to my town looking for my Andrew, my bar, or any of the other people in my stories, you are going to find yourself in a world of pain. Stay in your crazy little world of delusion and leave me the hell alone. You are not welcome in South Dakota. Do you understand me? Now kindly fuck off and die.

Taylor starts crying and runs into the bathroom. Everyone in the room cheers. Betsey finishes her wine and looks at the crowd.

Betsey: Well, I’ve had just about enough of this. Who wants to get stoned and go to Bob & Edith’s?

A small group of cool people catch a Lyft with Betsey to the next location. They party all night and get brunch in the morning. The next afternoon, Betsey boards her flight back to Omaha. Much to her surprise, Andrew is waiting for her at the airport.

Betsey: What are you doing here?

Andrew: I missed you.

Betsey: It’s Christmas Eve. Aren’t you supposed to be with The Family?

Andrew shrugs, looks at the ground, and shuffles his feet.

Andrew: Yeah… I mean… you know how it is.

Betsey looks at him sadly but takes his hand anyway. They walk through the terminal together.

Andrew: So how was your reunion?

Betsey: Oh, you know. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Andrew: That bad, huh?

Betsey: [shrugs] Not really. It was actually pretty fun. I’m really glad I went. It’s always worth it to go back there just to eat at Bob & Edith’s again. I’m just happy to be home.

Andrew: Maybe next time you can bring me.

Betsey: Okay, but you have to let me drive. You can’t handle the traffic out there. Trust me.

Andrew: I believe you.

Betsey: So what should we do now?

Andrew: Do you wanna get a hotel room and watch HGTV?

Betsey: Definitely.

They leave the airport and head on over to Downtown Omaha.

The End

SCRIPT: That Awkward Moment…

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Betsey is standing onstage in front of a huge audience, ranting about what a bunch of bullshit it is that she got kicked out of the bar again.

Betsey: And then I told the Owner he could suck my dick!

Suddenly, the audience gasps. They give her a look like someone important has just appeared behind her.

Betsey: Let me guess. He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

The audience shake their heads nervously. Betsey turns around slowly and sees Andrew’s Mom standing right there with a huge smile on her face. Betsey’s eyes widen in shock. Andrew’s Mom titters at Betsey and shakes her head. She walks up to Betsey and pats her on the back.

Andrew’s Mom: You tell him, sweetheart.

Betsey: Thanks, Mom.

Andrew’s Mom: Anytime, sweetie.

She smiles again and walks out the door.

The End

SCRIPT: Commercial Break

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Everyone is sitting at Bloody Mary’s Bar minding their own business, except for Betsey. Suddenly, she looks up from her notebook and right into the camera at the audience.

Betsey: We interrupt this episode of Betsey at the Bar to bring you a special message from our sponsors.

The scene changes to a shot of Andrew lounging on his couch watching tv in a PBR t-shirt and a ratty old pair of basketball shorts. His hair is messy and sticking out from the side of his head. Lying on the couch next to him a cute little golden retriever puppy named Sam.

Andrew: Hey Sam-Sam! Do you want a treat?

Sam jumps off the couch and wags his tail enthusiastically.

Andrew: Can you do the special trick I taught you? Can you go get Daddy a beer?

Sam barks enthusiastically and runs out of the room. The camera follows him into the kitchen, where he opens the door to the refrigerator and picks up a pounder of PBR with his mouth. He shuts the door again and carries it back into the living room where Andrew is sitting.

Andrew: Good boy, Sam-Sam! You get a treat!

Andrew takes the beer, tosses Sam a piece of peanut-butter flavored bacon, and smiles at the camera.

Andrew: It’s PBR, the Official Sponsor of Bloody Mary’s Bar!

Sam: Bark bark!

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to an old gas station where Teen Angel is fixing up a car. He is covered in grease and dirt. After working steadily-but-unsuccessfully for a long time, he sighs heavily, puts down his tools, and walks over to a mini-cooler nearby. He pulls out a bottle of Miller High Life, pops the cap, and looks at the camera.

Teen Angel: Miller High Life. The only REAL beer for REAL, hardworking, American men like me.

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to a 1950’s-style suburban kitchen with a cute little brunette housewife setting the table for dinner. She is wearing a nice dress, a frilly apron, and high heels. Her hair is perfectly done up and she has on a full face of makeup. Duke comes home wearing a suit and tie. He hangs his hat up by the door and walks into the kitchen.

Duke: Honey, I’m home!

Duke’s Wife: You’re just in time for dinner, darling. I made your favourite: meat and potatoes with a can of Schlitz on the side.

Duke: Where are the children?

Duke’s Wife: They’re already in bed. I know how you feel about children, honey. They should be neither seen nor heard. That’s why I wanted it to be just us for tonight. I even bought a brand new set of lingerie.

Duke takes the beer and sits down the table. He takes a sip of his Schlitz and smiles happily.

Duke: Ahh, this is the life for me.

Suddenly, he hears somebody calling his name off in the distance. The scene goes blurry as Duke’s daydream dissipates into reality. He finds himself standing in a modern-day suburban kitchen wearing a frilly pink apron. The children are screaming loudly and running around everywhere. He looks down at the pan in front of him and realizes it’s on fire. Suddenly, his wife appears behind him wearing a designer pant suit.

Duke’s Wife: Let me guess. You burned our dinner. Again.

Duke: I’m sorry. It was an accident!

Duke’s Wife: Here I am, out there in the world, working hard, slaving away all day so we can have a good life, and you can’t even have dinner ready when I come home?! What good are you?!

Duke rolls his eyes and goes to the refrigerator to get a can of Schlitz. He raises it up in an imaginary toast as his wife stands there staring at him in utter disbelief.

Duke: Don’t worry, darling. I didn’t burn the beer!

The commercial ends.

The scene changes to Betsey sitting in the bar with a glass of champagne and her notebook. She pours one out for Dubs and orders a Miller High Life instead. Teen Angel serves it to her with a smile on his face. Betsey looks at the camera and winks.

Betsey: I don’t always drink champagne, by when I do, I drink the Champagne of Beers.

Teen Angel: That’s what I’m saying!

The commercial ends.

Betsey: And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Betsey returns to writing in her notebook while her characters return to tending after the bar.

The End

SCRIPT: Mad Dogz Titty Tourz

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EXT. Bourbon Street, New Orleans — Afternoon

Two frat boys are standing on the corner drinking hurricanes.

FRAT BOY 1: Bro, this is totally lame. We’ve hit every bar on this street and it’s only four o’clock. I wish we knew where we could find a strip club.

FRAT BOY 2: I checked online but the only places I can find are in shady parts of town. If only we had a guide. A local who could take us there without getting us into any trouble.

Luckily, right at that moment, an old man approaches them on the street. He is bald and wearing a tropical-themed shirt and Raybans. He is carrying a plastic to-go cup and smoking a cigarette. He smiles at them with a yellowed, toothy grin. He is Mad Dog.

MAD DOG: You guys wanna see some titties?

FRAT BOYS: Yeah!

MAD DOG: Well, why didn’t ya say so? I know where to find all the best tittie bars in town. I can show you around… for a small fee, that is.

FRAT BOYS: How much?

MAD DOG: A hundred dollars.

FRAT BOY 1: A hundred dollars?! That seems kind of steep.

MAD DOG: These streets are dangerous!

FRAT BOY 2: Yeah, how do we know you’re not conning us out of our money here?

MAD DOG: Tell ya what. I’ll take you around and show you all the bars, and we’ll settle on a fee at the end. Now that’s fair, am I right?

FRAT BOY 1: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

FRAT BOY 2: Well take it.

MAD DOG: Alright, now just follow me.

The Frat Boys follow Mad Dog around the corner to where his vehicle is parked. There they discover a beat-up, old, orange bike with a cart chained to the back of it. On the side of the cart is a sloppily-painted sign reading “Mad Dogz Tittie Tourz.” Sitting inside of the cart are two medium-sized dogs.

MAD DOG: Now this here is Mama and Daisy. Say hello, girls.

The dogs bark at The Frat Boys excitedly and wag their tales.

FRAT BOY 1: Uh, are these animals dangerous?

MAD DOG: Not at all! They’re the friendliest gals you’ll ever meet. Now come on! Hop in! We’ve got quite the ride ahead of us.

FRAT BOY 2: I believe it.

In spite of their better judgment, The Frat Boys decide to hop on Mad Dog’s ride. First, he takes them back down Bourbon Street.

MAD DOG: Here we have the tourist district. There’s a couple strip clubs along here and there, but they’re mostly pretty tacky. You’ve probably already seen these and are looking for something more, which is why you’re taking my tour.

He bikes up and down the back streets until they start down St. Charles Avenue.

MAD DOG: Here we have the descendants of the Glorious Old Money South. The men in this neighborhood can usually be found out st expensive dinners in exotic locations with their favourite high-end escort. Women who work in this income bracket have a lot to offer an old-fashioned gentleman of wealth and power. They wear the best styles, speak multiple languages, and hold a degree from an accredited institution of higher education. The men are usually married but like to keep a younger woman in the side to make themselves feel young and free again. We call these men Sugar Daddies, and their ladies Sugar Babies. Naturally, some men do prefer a younger “boy toy.” It is also a common practice for rich women to keep younger male escorts, or “fancy men” in the same patronage-style as men.

Mad Dog suddenly turns his bike down a random side-street. As he bikes along, the houses on the block turn from beautiful mansions to uninhabited, broken-down homes. Entire blocks are flattened and destroyed. There is an eerie silence about the place. They turn down the corner and see a skinny homeless woman with a sunken-in face. Her hands are shaking and her voice is strung out. A man holding a gun is chasing after her, threatening to kill her.

MAD DOG: Back in these neighborhoods, some women don’t have a choice. There was nothing before the Hurricane, and even less after that. She, like many before her, turned to drugs like crack and meth with no other options before her. She ended up with this creep who abused her and sold her on the street. He took all of her money, beat her, and raped her. Now that she’s trying to escape, he is going to kill her.

They turn away just as they hear a gunshot and a woman’s scream in the distance. They continue on into another random neighborhood and pass by some ordinary-looking buildings. A massage parlor, a nail salon, an indescript boutique, and Asian-fusion restaraunt.

MAD DOG: Here we have more of an Eastern flavor for your liking. These girls are imported all the way from Thailand. They don’t have any documentation, of course. They’re locked up in the basement and sold as slaves. They keep the operation a secret by laundering money through various legitimate business operations. I heard they even have little kids available here too.

The Frat Boys look at each other solemnly. This wasn’t the experience they signed up for, but they learned a valuable lesson just the same. They return to The French Quarter a little less eager to objectify women. When the tour is over, they each give Mad Dog a $100 bill.

FRAT BOY 1: Thanks for the Tittie Tour, Mad Dog. I sure did learn a lot.

FRAT BOY 2: Yeah. In the future I think I’ll be a little less judgmental of sex workers and more respectful of women as a whole.

MAD DOG: Well, thanks boys! I sure am glad you enjoyed yourselves! Now get on outta here and go get yourself some Shrimp Creole!

The Frat Boys bid Mad Dog farewell and disappear again. Mad Dog gets back on his bike and returns home. “Home” is a historic house with a lot of old-world charm and character. There he finds Andrew sprawled out on the balcony in sunglasses with no shirt on. Sam, the golden retriever puppy, is lying in the exact same position on the ground next to him.

MAD DOG: Well look who’s here!

ANDREW: [mumbling irritably] What? I’m retired.

Mad Dog rolls his eyes and walks inside the house. There he finds a petite blonde lady in high heels, a dress, and a pink apron. She is Stella. She holds up a plate with little turkey sandwiches cut into triangles. Mad Dog takes one off the plate and smiles gratefully at her.

STELLA: Hello Grandpa. Did you make any money out on your tours today?

MAD DOG: I made about a thousand dollars.

STELLA: Wow! You’re doing pretty well then. Who knew you’d fit into the hustle and bustle of New Orleans so well?

MAD DOG: These rich kids. They don’t know nothing about the world. All I gotta do is show them the truth and they learn right quick enough.

STELLA: Well, I’m very glad to hear it.

Stella takes the plate outside to where Andrew is relaxing.

STELLA: Hey, are you hungry? I made you some sandwiches.

Andrew sits up and takes off his sunglasses. He takes a sandwich off the plate and stuffs it into his mouth greedily. Thankfully, he waits until he has finished chewing to speak.

ANDREW: Just famished, thank you. Who knew retirement was so exhausting?

STELLA: Oh, did you have another long, hard day of existential crises?

ANDREW: All I wanted was a life with no worries or responsibilities. I didn’t realize I’d end up reflecting on all of my choices this much. I’m just like sitting here asking myself all the time, “Is this really it? Is this really all there is to life?” If so, why am I so unhappy? I have everything in the world that anyone could ever ask for. Why do I feel like there’s still so much more?

STELLA: Poor darling. What can I do to help your predicament?

ANDREW: Just be my escape, darling. I don’t know what I would ever do if you weren’t here to make me feel young again.

STELLA: Aww, thanks. That’s sweet, but I know you’re only saying that so I’ll make you another sandwich.

ANDREW: Yeah.

STELLA: Okay, I’ll go make you another sandwich.

Stella goes back into the kitchen to make Andrew another sandwich.

The End

SCRIPT: The Untimely Death of Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire

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Betsey is sitting at the bar with Mad Dog when they get into an argument. Betsey is annoyed so she gets up and decides to move over to the opposite end of the bar where The Line of Death usually sits.

Betsey: Oh, woe is me! I really am an old lady now! I’m on the Line of Death and everything!

Howard Hughes looks at her as if she has just uttered the most offensive, scandalous thing he’s ever heard.

Howard Hughes: Just who the hell does this girl think she is?

Betsey: The Line of Death, The Line of Death. What does it really mean to be on The Line of Death? Let me think about it for a moment. Hmm… you know, if I could pick a way to die, it would be eaten by lions while on safari. Why? Because it would make an awesome story, of course!

Howard Hughes: What did she just say?

Betsey: Just think! Everybody would be talking about it for weeks! Months! Years! Maybe even centuries! Yeah, centuries!

Howard Hughes is rendered completely speechless. Andrew smiles at Betsey and sighs dreamily. She winks at him and he winks back. They both know exactly what the other is thinking. Betsey gets up and leaves for the day. When she isn’t seen or heard from in a couple weeks, everyone starts to get worried.

Duke: Not that I really care or anything, but has anyone seen Betsey lately? I noticed she hasn’t been around. Not that I was looking, of course. I only noticed she was gone because it seemed a lot… quieter… around here than usual.

Andrew stands over the cash register and smirks to himself as he rubs his hands together mischeviously. At long last, the opportunity he has been waiting for has arrived. He turns around and puts a solemn look on his face.

Andrew: Yeah, didn’t you hear? Betsey Horton died!

Duke: What? How?

Andrew: She was eaten by lions!

Duke: Oh come on, Andrew. Don’t put us on.

Andrew: No, it’s true, it’s true. I was there! I saw the whole thing! It was awful! There was blood everywhere!

Duke: That doesn’t make any sense. How was she eaten by lions?

Andrew: She was on safari and she got too close to the lions so they ate her. I mean, they really just ripped her apart. At the end the hyenas came in. Once they were done, the vultures picked her off. Then all the the flies came and laid their eggs. It was super gross. There were maggots crawling all over the place. Then her body decomposed and became the grass. And then the antelope ate the grass and the lions ate the antelope.

Duke: What?

Andrew: Yeah. But like, that’s just nature, you know? The Circle of Life and all that. Yeah, I learned about it when I watched The Lion King with my daughter. It was so deep, you guys. It really affected me a lot and just, like, changed my whole perspective on things. It’s sad that she died, but she always wanted to go on safari, and she did say she would choose to be eaten by lions, so I mean, at least she lived her dream. How many of you can say you died living your dream? No one, because we’re all still sitting here alive. Think about that.

Everyone in the bar stares at Andrew in shock. They believe him. They actually, really, truly, deeply in their hearts believe him. They all sit there in silence looking super sad. Nobody knows what to say. Suddenly, Howard Hughes steps up to the plate. He buys everyone in the bar a shot of LaRue.

Howard Hughes: I say we make a toast to Betsey Horton, Writer Extraordinaire! To the bravest woman on The Line of Death!

Everyone in the bar drinks. There’s a moment of silence. Duke looks absolutely torn apart.

Andrew: What is it, Duke?

Duke: I just feel so guilty! I made up all these lies about her and told them to anyone who would listen. I was so mean to her all the time! But really she wasn’t so bad all along. I wish she was here now to wake me from my slumber with her loud, obnoxious laugh.

Andrew: Aww, that’s very sweet of you, Duke. I’m sure if Betsey was here right now, she would appreciate the sentiment.

Mad Dog: Oh will you guys just shut the hell up already? You’re nothin’ but a bunch of cry babies! Hey bartender, get me another beer, would ya?!

Andrew: Don’t you have anything nice to say, Mad Dog? Betsey was your friend!

Mad Dog: Meh. I’m no good at this stuff. I’d rather just drink a beer and smoke a joint instead.

Andrew: Fair enough. I can’t say Betsey would disagree with you there.

Suddenly, Betsey Horton walks into the bar, completely alive and 100% intact. Everyone turns around and stares at her in shock. They look like they’ve all just seen a ghost.

Betsey: What are you guys staring at? Is there something on my dress?

Everyone turns back around and looks Andrew with severely annoyed expressions on their face. Duke looks the angriest of them all.

Andrew: Uh… Hey guys. What’s up?

They promptly rip him to shreds like he’s Scar after the hyenas turn on him.

The End

SCRIPT: Spy Movie

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The following short screenplay was written for my freshman theatre class when I was 15 years old. It is a spoof of a James Bond movie with two female agents played by Betsey and her friend whose fake name has yet to be decided. For whatever reason, their names are Secret Agent Dorian Gray 135 and Clyde. You can guess which one of us was taking this whole writing thing seriously and which one wasn’t.

Some of these jokes are insiders from when we used to have sleepovers at my house, sneak out, and walk down to the lake after my parents went to bed. It’s possible some of them many not make any sense whatsoever. Regardless, it’s just something fun I wrote once. It also features the origin story of the The Island of Lost Guys!

I hope you enjoy the show!

….

……..

……………

BETSEY’S SPY MOVIE

A FILM BY BETSEY HORTON

2004

 

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

DORIAN GREY, Secret Agent Number 135
CLYDE, Her Clueless Sidekick
V, Their Boss
AGNES, Her Secretary
K, Supplier of Helpful Gadgets
NATALIA, a Contact in Venice
DAMIEN, Sexy CIA Agent
JAMES, Leader of an Evil Organization Hellbent on World Domination
EMILY CASSADINE, United States Secretary of State
THE GUYS, Inhabitants of a Mysterious Island

 

SCENE I

[Fade in to the image of two girls sitting on a beach, lounging in chairs. One is dressed in a black dress, leather jacket, and black shoes. She is holding a gun in one hand and a martini in the other. She has a cigarette in her mouth. She is Secret Agent Dorian Gray 135. The other is wearing boxer shorts, a tank top, knee socks, flip flops, a ratty blanket as a cape, and a top hat. She is holding a shot gun in one hand and a can of Sprite in the other. She is Clyde.]

DORIAN
[sips drink] I’m so glad we decided to come to Barcelona for vacation. I just love the beach!

CLYDE
[in an American accent] But we’re not in Barcelona. We’re in Lake Barcroft.

DORIAN
[smacks CLYDE upside head] Oi! Shut up! We’re filming!

CLYDE
Oh, right. [in a British accent] I love the beach as well. Especially here in Poland.

DORIAN
We’re in Spain.

CLYDE
Same country.

[DORIAN’S cellphone rings]

DORIAN
[sighs and picks up phone] Hello? … No, I did not order any pizza. No… I don’t even like anchovies!

CLYDE
I do!

DORIAN
Shut up! [into phone] No… No! I’m not even in the—No, this is not a deli—who is this? … No! I’m- oi! [hangs up phone] Damn Americans.

CLYDE
Who was that?

DORIAN
Some idiot in America. He was trying to get a hold of some deli.

CLYDE
Ohhh… did he have a name?

DORIAN
No. I asked him and he started talking about Pokemon.

CLYDE
Right…

[DORIAN’S phone rings again. She picks it up, furious.]

DORIAN
Damn it, I told you this isn’t a—Hello? … Yes ma’am! … But, ma’am, we just got here! … Yes I understand. … We’ll be there shortly. [hangs up phone and gets up]

CLYDE
Who was that?

DORIAN
That was V. She wants us back at MI9 as soon as possible.

CLYDE
Did she say why?

DORIAN
She has another mission for us.

CLYDE
Ooh yay! I hope we get to go to Liechtenstein this time!

SCENE II

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE entering an office. A young woman with light hair is sitting at a desk typing while chewing gum in a loud manner.]

DORIAN
Hello Agnes.

AGNES
[in a ditzy voice] Hi!

DORIAN
How are you?

AGNES
Oh I’m good. [blows a bubble with gum] I have a date with a guy tonight and he’s totally fine! Like, seriously. He’s so hot and we’re gonna go kick back at his place and watch a movie!

DORIAN
[sarcastically] How fun.

AGNES
Totally! [picks up phone] V will see you now.

[DORIAN and CLYDE enter V’s office. It is filled with highly classified documents and many big books on law.]

V
Good day, ladies.

DORIAN
Hello, V. I see you’ve dug out your textbooks from Harvard.

V
Very funny, 135. Onto more serious matters. What do you know about a woman named Emily Cassadine?

DORIAN
Current United States Secretary of State—democrat, recently appointed, very popular for her peace policies but also common target for assassination. Why do you ask?

V
She was last seen this morning leaving for work by her husband Jason. However, she never arrived at her office. An email message was later delivered to the president informing him of Cassadine’s abduction along with the demand for one hundred million dollars in ransom and to call off the Peace conference that is to be held in Venice next week.

CLYDE
That’s a lot of money.

DORIAN
What do you want us to do?

V
Get her back of course! You are to leave for Venice tonight. K is waiting for you to give you your supplies. Good luck.

SCENE III

[Cut to shot of Dorian, Clyde, and K standing around a black car in a garage.]

K
This is your car. It has all the usual features to it, as you very well know, 135.

[DORIAN grins innocently]

K
Rocket launcher, ejection seats, bullet and shatter-proof windows, et cetera.

DORIAN
Don’t worry, K! You can trust us! We got out of our last mission all in one piece, didn’t we?

K
You did, but my car certainly didn’t!

DORIAN
That was Clyde’s fault.

CLYDE
Was not.

DORIAN
Was too.

CLYDE
Was not.

DORIAN
Was too!

[they continue bickering as the camera fades out]

SCENE IV

[cut to a shot of a black car pulling up in front of a big white house]

CLYDE
Are you sure this is where we’re staying?

DORIAN
Positive. [Takes cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out. The two walk up to the door. DORIAN knocks. A young lady answers.] Are you Natalia?

NATALIA
And you are?

DORIAN
Gray. Dorian Gray. This is my partner, Clyde.

NATALIA
Oh yes! Please come in! [She looks the pair over] When Agnes asked if you could stay with me, I assumed by your names that you were both, well—

DORIAN
Guys?

NATALIA
Yes, actually.

CLYDE
We did that on purpose. It throws our enemies off.

NATALIA
[smiles as they start walking towards the kitchen] Would you two care for a drink?

CLYDE
Sprite, please!

DORIAN
I’ll have a martini please. Stirred, not shaken.

CLYDE
Isn’t it the other way around?

DORIAN
It was for forty years.

[NATALIA hands DORIAN and CLYDE glasses. They hear a loud crash and look up.]

CLYDE
What the hell was that?

NATALIA
[smiles] Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hope you don’t mind but I have another guest staying with me. He works for the CIA and is trying to find Cassadine as well.

DORIAN
Oh great. I hate Americans. He’s probably—

[A young man comes into the kitchen carrying a broken glass. He is dressed very casually, in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a backwards baseball cap. DORIAN stares.]

DAMIEN
Sorry, Natalia. I accidentally broke this while I was—

NATALIA
It’s alright. [takes glass] Oh by the way, these are my other guests.

CLYDE
Hi! I’m Clyde!

DAMIEN
Name’s Damien. [reaches out and kisses CLYDE’s hand. CLYDE looks at him in disgust and wipes her hand on her boxers. DAMIAN looks at DORIAN.] And you are?

DORIAN
[smiles wide] Err… I… I’m Gray.

CLYDE
Actually, you’re more like a peach color.

DORIAN
You didn’t let me finish, idiot. [Smiles at DAMIEN again.] I’m Dorian Gray. [Holds out hand and waits for DAMIEN to kiss it. He shakes it instead. DORIAN is annoyed.] Pleased to meet you.

DAMIEN
So you’re from MI9. I thought you two were guys.

CLYDE
We get that a lot.

DORIAN
That won’t be a problem, will it?

DAMIEN
Of course not.

DORIAN
Good. Miss Natalia, would it be possible for me to go to my room? I have an investigation to start.

[NATALIA and DORIAN leave the kitchen. In an effort to impress DAMIEN, DORIAN saunters off but winds up tripping and falling flat on her face. CLYDE laughs, DAMIEN smirks.]

SCENE V

[Cut to a shot of DORIAN sitting at a laptop taking notes. She is wearing glasses. CLYDE is asleep on a chair and snoring loudly. DAMIEN enters quietly.]

DAMIEN
What are you doing?

DORIAN
It seems that Cassadine’s kidnapper is a man named James Magner. He’s the head of a very large international organization. It appears the organization’s main goal is world domination.

DAMIEN
Go figure.

DORIAN
I don’t see why he needs the US Secretary of State to take over the world, but if it floats his boat, whatever.

DAMIEN
It’s simple really. He kidnapped her because she has been making so much progress on world peace. It’s easier to take over the world when it’s in complete chaos than while everyone is united. If everyone is united, a stronger force can rise up and defeat him. While countries are at war, he can take them over one at a time.

DORIAN
[Looks at DAMIEN admiringly.] Makes enough sense, I suppose.

DAMIEN
I found out he’s going to be at that fancy dress party Miss Natalia is going to this evening. I was going to go alone but you and Clyde may accompany me if you so desire.

DORIAN
[raises eyebrows] How did you find this out?

DAMIEN
[smirks] I have my ways.

DORIAN
[looks at sleeping CLYDE] Oi! Clyde! We’re going undercover! Wake up! [shakes CLYDE awake]

CLYDE
[sleepily] Hmm…? What is it?

DORIAN
We’re going out.

DAMIEN
She’s not going dressed like that, is she?

CLYDE
Going where? Where are we going?

DORIAN
Of course she’s not. I’m going to make her look semi-decent for once.

DAMIEN
Just checking.

[DORIAN and CLYDE look at DAMIEN expectantly. He leaves quickly.]

DORIAN
[looks at CLYDE rubs hands together evilly] Now…

SCENE VI

[Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, and DAMIEN entering a party. DORIAN and CLYDE are both wearing beautiful dresses while DAMIEN is in a suit. A waiter walks up to the trio and the three take drinks from the tray.]

CLYDE
[sipping drink] This stuff is really nasty.

DORIAN
It’s white wine. What did you expect?

CLYDE
Something better?

DAMIEN
I like it.

DORIAN
Well, your opinion doesn’t matter. Now, Clyde, what’s your name again?

CLYDE
Err… Clyde… durr… you just said it, silly.

DORIAN
Your OTHER name, CLYDE.

CLYDE
Oh right. Mai. And you are Betsey.

DORIAN
Very good. [surveys room] Now, where are you, Magner?

DAMIEN
IF I may interrupt—

DORIAN
No, you may not. [lets go of DAMIEN’s arm. CLYDE follows suit.] Excuse us, but we have work to do. [Turns and promptly runs into a young man with spiky, bleach-blonde hair.] Excuse me, sir.

JAMES
It’s quite alright, Miss. It was my fault entirely.

[They smile at one another flirtatiously.]

CLYDE
[To DAMIEN] During our missions, “Betsey” always manages to find herself a guy to… how do you say… play with.

DAMIEN
[raises eyebrow] Really?

CLYDE
Yeah. I really don’t know what happens to them. They just suddenly vanish once the mission is over. It’s so weird. It’s like she ships them all to a remote island and leaves them there.

DAMIEN
Is that true?

CLYDE
Nah.

[Cut to shot of a group of guys talking to each other on the beach]

GUY 1
So where did you meet Dorian?

GUY 2
In Madrid. It was the best two weeks of my entire life.

GUY 3
Two weeks?! I only had three days in Paris!

GUY 4
I got a week in Tokyo.

GUY 5
Ten days. Hong Kong.

GUY 6
I was with her for five days in Moscow.

GUY 1
Oh… [looks away] Mine was one day in Ontario.

GUY 2
But that’s in Canada.

GUY 3
What was she doing in Canada?

GUY 4
Canada doesn’t have anyone worthy of being kidnapped or assassinated or anything of value to be taken. It’s just there!

GUY 5
It’s like the 51st State!

GUY 1
Maybe she was on vacation!

GUY 6
In Canada?

GUY 1
Good point…

[Cut back to shot of CLYDE and DAMIEN, who snickers]

CLYDE
What is it?

DAMIEN
She’s hitting on James Magner.

CLYDE
That’s him? Ew… I thought he was old.

DAMIEN
Nope.

CLYDE
He’s got a funny looking head.

[cut back to DORIAN and JAMES]

JAMES
May I ask your name, Miss?

DORIAN
Gr—err—Betsey.

JAMES
Just Betsey?

DORIAN
[smiles] For now.

JAMES
The name’s James Magner. Maybe you’ve heard of me.

DORIAN
Oh yes. You’re one of the richest men in the world right now.

JAMES
Yes… well… I try.

[cut back to CLYDE and DAMIEN]

CLYDE
Be happy it isn’t you.

DAMIEN
Uh… yeah… [looks on with a faint expression of jealousy on his face]

[DAMIEN and CLYDE watch as DORIAN and JAMES continue flirting for a few more minutes. JAMES murmurs something to DORIAN and she gasps. He promptly leaves the room. DORIAN starts to follow. CLYDE and DAMIEN follow too. Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, and DAMIEN all running down a staircase.]

CLYDE
What’s going on Dorian?

DORIAN
We have to catch Magner! There’s no doubt in my mind now that he’s the one behind this!

DAMIEN
How could you tell?

DORIAN
Did you see that hair?

[The trio runs into a parking garage and watch as a white car speeds off.]

DORIAN
Why do they always run?

[DORIAN and CLYDE rush to their car and hop in before DAMIEN realizes what’s happening. They leave without him.]

DAMIEN
Hey! Where are you going?

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE inside the car. CLYDE looks in the rearview mirror and sees DAMIEN running after them.]

CLYDE
Hey, Dorian, we left Damien behind.

DORIAN
And your point is, what, exactly?

[Cut to scene of car chase. After failing to catch JAMES, the two tired agents return to NATALIA’s to find DAMIEN waiting for them with a sour expression.]

DAMIEN
Why did you leave me behind?

DORIAN
[glares at DAMIEN] Now listen here, buddy boy, let’s get one thing straight. This is Clyde and I’s assignment, not yours. We are not partners, not friends, and certainly not lovers, nor will we ever be. So stop harassing me just because you don’t have your own damn car. I’m tired, my feet hurt from running in heels, and unless you want to get shot, I highly recommend that you stay the hell away from me until further notice. Now get out of my way!

[DAMIEN stares at DORIAN in amazement but moves aside quickly. CLYDE looks at him, shrugs, follows.]

SCENE VII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN walking into the kitchen later that night. She is wearing a red silk kimono and fuzzy slippers. She looks at the clock, which reads 3:20am, and yawns, then pulls out a wine glass and a bottle of red wine from the cupboard. She is unaware that she is being watched by DAMIEN.]

DAMIEN
I thought you didn’t like wine.

[DORIAN jumps, drops wine glass on the floor, then pulls out her gun and points it at DAMIEN.]

DORIAN
It would do you well not to startle me. Next time I might actually shoot you.

DAMIEN
[smiles] I find that highly unlikely.

[DAMIEN walks toward DORIAN, who puts her gun away and reaches for a broom to clean up the mess.]

DORIAN
Don’t count on it, buddy boy.

DAMIEN
Let me get that for you. [He reaches for the broom. Their eyes lock.]

SCENE VIII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN, CLYDE, DAMIEN, and NATALIA in the kitchen the next morning. CLYDE is doing a maze on the back of her cereal box, NATALIA is making coffee, DORIAN is staring at her laptop screen, and DAMIEN is watching DORIAN. DORIAN looks up at DAMIEN and smiles at him, then looks away and goes back to staring at laptop while tapping keys on the keyboard.]

DORIAN
Dammit!

CLYDE
[looks up] Did you figure out where Magner is hiding yet?

DAMIEN
[walks over to DORIAN and peers at her laptop] Actually, she just lost Tetris.

DORIAN
Go away. [shoves DAMIEN, who won’t move. DORIAN gets annoyed and pulls out her gun.]

DAMIEN
[smirks] Put the gun away, D. You’re not gonna shoot me.

DORIAN
Don’t call me D. [Fires gun. NATALIA screams, CLYDE yawns and continues her maze without looking up. DORIAN goes back to playing Tetris. DAMIEN suddenly leaps up from the floor and looks around wildly.]

CLYDE
[sill not looking up] She doesn’t keep her gun loaded in the morning.

DORIAN
[loans gun] I do now. [Points it at DAMIEN.] Anymore stupid questions?

DAMIEN
Nope. [sits down]

CLYDE
She’s not a morning person.

DORIAN
Shut up, Clyde.

NATALIA
[rushing to serve DORIAN a cup of coffee] When are you going to go after Magner?

DORIAN
[Still playing Tetris.] Well—

DAMIEN
Magner has a meeting tonight with one of his associates at that little park a few miles away. You should do it then.

CLYDE
Seriously, dude. Where do you find this stuff out?

DAMIEN
I have my ways.

DORIAN
[loses Tetris again] Dammit!

CLYDE
[looks at DAMIEN] Dude, don’t even worry about it.

SCENE IX

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE hiding behind some trees.]

CLYDE
Where are they? Damien said they’d be here by now.

DORIAN
Well, one thing’s for sure. We’re never listening to him again. Stupid man.

CLYDE
[grins] I knew it!

DORIAN
What?

CLYDE
You did it with him, didn’t you?

DORIAN
Ugh. Don’t even REMIND me!

CLYDE
That bad, huh?

DORIAN
Yeah.

BOTH
He’s too lanky.

[Suddenly they hear two male voices talking. They draw their guns and peak out from behind the tree. They see two men standing on a bridge talking.]

DORIAN
That’s them.

CLYDE
Are you sure?

DORIAN
Yes I’m sure.

CLYDE
Are you sure you’re sure?

DORIAN
Shut up, Clyde.

[They notice one of the men is gone.]

CLYDE
What the—

[CLYDE is hit from behind and knocked out. DORIAN, but before she can turn around she is knocked out as well.]

SCENE X

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE tied up in an empty room. DORIAN comes to and kicks CLYDE.]

DORIAN
Oi! Wake up!

CLYDE
[sleepily] But mommy, I don’t want to go to school today…

DORIAN
Clyde!

CLYDE
I want to stay home and bake cookies with you…

DORIAN
CLYDE!

[CLYDE wakes with a start]

CLYDE
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! [looks at DORIAN] Oh hi, D.

DORIAN
Don’t call me D!

CLYDE
Where are we?

DORIAN
We’re been captured, you moron.

CLYDE
By who?

JAMES
[enters room] By me!

DORIAN
Oh great, it’s Hair Boy.

JAMES
Silence! I bet you—

DORIAN
Oh great. Let me guess. You’re going to ramble on for twenty minutes about your great master plan to take over the world. Damien is going to come in and reveal that he was working for you the entire time. You’ll leave us in some unnecessarily complex death trap which we will narrowly escape from, instead of shooting us on the spot like you should. While you and Damien are escaping with your money and Secretary Cassadine, Clyde and I will kill all of your henchmen, sneak onto whatever transportation craft you’re using, be it a ship, plane, or submarine, kill more of your henchmen, and then split up. While she goes to free Secretary Cassadine, I take off to go kill you and run into Damien. I am supposed to feel betrayed by him since we did have that little fling, but I’ll knock him out quickly enough while he’s ranting about power. I will then find you, leave you tied to something, and take back all the money. All the while, Clyde will be setting explosives up around the craft. Then we’ll escape with Secretary Cassadine and the money, then sail/fly/drive off and watch your craft explode from a distance. After being rewarded greatly, we will return to Barcelona to finish our vacation that you so rudely interrupted.

CLYDE
So if I was you, I’d just surrender right now and save us the trouble. Especially since Dorian is wearing heels and her feet already have blisters from the other night. I myself am wearing flip flips, and, let’s face it; your resistance is pretty much futile.

[DAMIEN walks in]

DAMIEN
Ha! I bet you weren’t expecting me to be behind this, were you, Gray?

JAMES
Well, uh… actually.

DORIAN
[Suddenly pulls free from her bonds] Actually I was.

DAMIEN
How did you do that?

DORIAN
I’m a Secret Agent. I work in mysterious ways that nobody but myself can figure out. [frees CLYDE, walks up to DAMIEN, who is standing there in shock, and takes his gun. CLYDE does the same with JAMES and they simultaneously point their guns at their respective captors.]

CLYDE
Do you surrender?

JAMES
I knew it was a stupid plan! That is the last time I listen to you, Damien.

DAMIEN
Damn you, Gray! You’re supposed to feel betrayed and be angry with me! I gave you—

DORIAN
Your ego is too big for your own good, Damien. [pulls out a magnifying glass] Next time it gets the better of you, use this.

DAMIAN
I AM OFFENDED!

DORIAN
Lovely. Then you won’t mind if I tie you up?

JAMES
I think we should go through with the escape and fights and unnecessary deathtraps anyways.

[DORIAN and CLYDE look at each other]

BOTH
Nah.

CLYDE
Besides, the writer got lazy.

[DORIAN looks away innocently.]

CLYDE
And we wouldn’t want to waste the director’s valuable time and money.

JAMES
I guess you’re right.

[JAMES and DAMIEN surrender.]

SCENE XII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE standing in V’s office with the Secretary of State, EMILY CASSADINE]

EMILY
Thank you so much for your bravery and hard work, agents.

V
Yes, I must admit your tactics were most impressive.

EMILY
I can’t thank you enough for saving me!

DORIAN
It was nothing. Really.

CLYDE
And we do mean nothing. [DORIAN elbows CLYDE.] Ow.

DORIAN
With your permission, V, we’d like to return to Barcelona.

V
Of course!

EMILY
By the way, I was wondering… Damien wasn’t brought into custody with Magner. What happened to him?

DORIAN
Oh… I sent him to a place where he won’t be a threat to anybody.

[Cut to shot of DAMIEN sitting on the beach with THE GUYS]

DAMIEN
Venice. Six days.

GUYS
Nice.

SCENE XIII

[Cut to shot of DORIAN and CLYDE sitting on a beach.]

DORIAN
I love it here in Spain.

CLYDE
[sighs] Yeah, it’s so nice to be here in Sydney.

DORIAN
I thought it was Poland?

[Camera fades out. Caption reads “THE END.” Credits roll.]

STORY: Sam’s Little Sister

Posted on Posted in Andrew, Short StoriesTagged , , , , Leave a comment

Sam’s Mom arrives at Coyote University to help her daughter Vicky move into her freshman dorm. Vicky, who was hoping to go to college somewhere much further away from her family members, is not exactly thrilled at the prospect of once again spending the next four years of her life as “Sam’s Little Sister.”

Her worst fear is immediately confirmed when she goes to pick up her room keys. A set of blonde twins wearing lanyards around their necks are running the check-in table.

“Hi there! Welcome to the dorms! First and last name, please.”

“Vicky Shepherd.”

“Oh, are you Sam’s little sister?”

“Yeah,” Vicky says dryly. She frowns at her Mom. The twins look at each other and giggle.

“Yeah… we know Shep.”

Sam’s Mom raises her eyebrow. The twins hand Vicky her keys and start giggling again. They smile brightly at her.

“Welcome to the dorms!” they say in unison.

When they go upstairs, Vicky meets her new RA.

“Are you Sam’s little sister?” she asks excitedly.

“I sure am,” Vicky says, rolling her eyes. “Let me guess… you know him too.”

“Yeah, I know Shep,” she says with a laugh. “I know Shep very well. I see him around here all the time.”

Sam’s Mom’s mouth drops open.

“Welcome to the floor!” the RA says, showing Vicky to her room.

Sometime later, they go over to pick up Vicky’s class schedule. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the secretary recognizes her last name immediately.

“Are you Sam’s little sister?” she asks with a smile on her face.

“I see you’ve met him before too.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, flipping her hair back. “I know Shep.”

Sam’s Mom shakes her head in disbelief.

“Welcome to Coyote University!”

Vicky storms out of the office angrily. When they go to the book store to pick up Vicky’s books, the same thing happens all over again.

“Are you Sam’s little sister?” asks the girl behind the counter.

“Maybe,” Vicky snaps.

“Yeah, I know Shep,” she says with a sneaky little smile. “We study together in the library.”

“Study?” asks Sam’s Mom.

“Yeah,” she sighs dreamily. “Study…”

Finally, they decide to stop at the student center for a coffee.

“Oh! You’re not Sam’s little sister, are you?”

Vicky is so upset she can’t even respond at this point.

“Yeah, I know Shep too,” says the barista, crossing her arms and frowning. “All the girls around here know who he is.”

Vicky and her Mom walk back to Vicky’s dorm together.

“What’s my son been doing that all these girls know who he is?” their Mom wonders aloud.

“Come on, Mom,” Vicky says, rolling her eyes. “It’s pretty obvious what he’s been doing.”

All of a sudden, Sam walks in carrying a box of Vicky’s stuff. His shirt is notably absent. All of the women in the hallway stop what they’re doing to watch him walk by.

“Hey Vicky,” he says. “I brought in the last of your stuff for ya.”

All of the women’s eyes shift to Vicky. She looks around the hall nervously.

“Can’t wait to have my little sis at school with me again!” Sam says cheerfully.

Vicky scowls at him.

“Yeah.”

“So,” Sam says just loud enough so everyone can hear. “We’re having a party over at the Basketball House tonight. You can come if you want to. Maybe you can even bring some of your new friends.”

All of the freshman girls let out a collective gasp. Vicky’s scowl turns into a glare.

“We’ll see.”

“Yeah, just let me know whenever.”

Vicky turns around and goes back into her room in a huff. A moment later, Sam’s Mom calls out to him.

“Sam, can you come in here for a minute, please?”

“Yeah, sure. Just let me put my shirt back on.”

When Sam walks into Vicky’s dorm room, their Mom is standing there with her arms crossed.

“What?” he asks innocently. “It was hot outside.”

“It’s her first day of college,” she says in a low voice. “She wants to make her own friends. Can you just… cool it down, please?”

“Sorry, Mom.”

“Can I have my car keys back now, please?”

“Sure,” Sam says, tossing her the keys. “I parked it right out front for ya.”

“Thanks, honey.”

“See you later, Vicky!”

Sam winks at her and saunters off down the hall.

“I can’t do this,” Vicky says. “I want to go home right now.”

Her Mom shakes her head.

“Just look on the bright side, sweetie,” she says. “At least you’ll never have any shortage of new friends.”

Sometime later, after their Mom has finally left, Vicky hears a knock at the door. When she opens it, a group of girls is standing outside in the hall.

“Hey,” says the leader girl. “Your name is Vicky, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Was that guy who was here earlier your older brother?”

“Maybe. Who wants to know?”

“Well, we heard him mention something about a party later, and we were just wondering if you were still planning on going. We wouldn’t want you to go alone or anything. It’s better if a group of girls all go together. You know, for safety reasons.”

“Yeah,” pipes up a second girl. “Safety reasons.”

Vicky looks at the girls hesitantly.

“I don’t know…” she says half-heartedly.

“Come on,” says the leader girl. “I bet it will be fun! It’s our first big college party! We can all go down to the dining hall first and then get ready in our rooms later. Then we can all go together.”

“Well…”

“Please?” all the girls say in unison.

Vicky lets out a heavy sigh.

“Okay. We can go to the stupid basketball party, but don’t ask me to introduce you to my brother. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to take care of that himself.”

All the girls smile together. As they walk down to the dining hall, Vicky decides to take her Mom’s advice. Maybe it’s better to look on the bright side after all.

The End

STORY: The Legend of Chico

Posted on Posted in Bloody Mary's Bar, Short StoriesTagged , , , , Leave a comment

One not-so-ordinary day, I was sitting at Bloody Mary’s Bar talking to Mad Dog when suddenly, he mentioned a character by the name of Chico.

“Wait, wait,” I said, lifting my hand to interrupt him. “Stop right there. Who the hell is Chico?”

Mad Dog looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

“You wanna know about Chico?” he asked slowly. “I’ll tell you about Chico. Chico used to be the Owner of Bloody Mary’s Bar.”

“What?!” I exclaimed. “Really?”

“That’s right,” Mad Dog said. “Chico was one of the shadiest guys in town. He was Greek. You know how Greeks are. They’re like Jews. They’re nothing by liars and thieves.”

I let out a heavy sigh and gave Mad Dog a Look.

“Can we please refrain from making offensive generalizations about different ethnicities and perpetuating racist stereotypes?”

Mad Dog looked at me as if I had just spoken to him in a foreign language. He looked my face over carefully.

“Yeah, now I see it,” he said. “You got a little bit of something in you. Are you Jewish or are you Greek?”

“I’m a Citizen of the World,” I said proudly. “I’ve got a little bit of everyone in me.”

Mad Dog shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Anyway,” he said. “About Chico. He was one shady guy. Not the kind of person you want to mess around with. One thing’s for certain, though. He sure did know how to get the job done.”

I opened up my notebook and started taking notes immediately. Mad Dog looked off into the distance nostalgically and began telling me the story.

“It was bar against bar. A race to the top. Chico screwed over a lot of people to get there. A lot of people were after him. He owed money all around town. He owed so much money, they even put a price on his head. There were Wanted Posters everywhere. Then one day, Chico disappeared. Just up and left town without telling a soul. No one knew where he was. There were plenty of theories, of course. Most people say he’s still hiding out back home in Greece. Anyway, a couple of months later, Chico was found dead in a canyon somewhere in Colorado, half-eaten by wolves. No one knows if it was a murder or a suicide.”

Mad Dog paused as if to say “The End.” I stared at him wide-eyed for some time before I finally managed to snap out of it.

“That’s it?” I asked.

“That’s it.”

I stared at him with my mouth wide open.

“You’re telling me the Former Owner of Bloody Mary’s Bar was found dead in a random canyon somewhere half-eaten by wolves?”

Mad Dog nodded.

“That’s right,” he said again.

I shook my head in disbelief.

“Seven years!” I exclaimed. “Seven years I’ve lived here and nobody ever told me this story? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!”

Mad Dog looked over at me and smiled.

“You really are a writer, aren’t you?” he asked.

“Of course I am,” I said. “Why else would I follow you around?”

He smiled at me again.

“So,” I said. “Who do I have to talk to around here to find out more about this Chico character?”

“Oh,” Mad Dog said, shaking his head. “You don’t just go around asking questions about Chico. Nobody in this town is going to talk to you about Chico.”

“But I thought you said Chico was dead.”

“It doesn’t matter!” he snapped. “You can’t just go around asking questions about Chico.”

“Okay,” I said. “But I’m just letting you know right now, the next time I come back here, I’m going to start asking questions about Chico.”

“Good luck,” said Mad Dog. “No one in this town in going to talk to you about Chico.”

The next time I went to Bloody Mary’s Bar, I decided to start asking questions about Chico.

“So…” I said pleasantly, cozying up to the Line of Death after another successful round of Jeopardy. “Did any of you guys ever know a character by the name of Chico?”

All of the old men in the room gave me the same look at once.

“Who wants to know?” one of them asked suspiciously.

“Oh, I’m just a writer,” I said. “I like to write about Bloody Mary’s Bar. I heard a story about Chico and I thought he sounded like an interesting character. It’s not every day you hear a story about someone who was found dead in a canyon somewhere half-eaten by wolves. I’m interested in hearing the rest of the story.”

All of the old men glared at me again.

“Oh, you’re a writer huh?” another asked. “Sounds more like a Troublemaker to me.”

“Yeah,” said another. “What makes you think you can just come in here and start asking questions about Chico?”

“Sounds to me like you need to learn how to mind your own business,” chimed in the last.

I was caught off-guard by their reaction. I had no idea it was such a big deal to start asking questions about Chico.

“I’m sorry,” I said politely. “I was under the impression that Chico was deceased.”

“I don’t know about that,” said PJ. “If there was ever a person I knew in my life who would fake his own death to get out of some trouble he was in, it was Chico.”

“You knew Chico?” I asked with a dazzled look in my eyes.

“Oh yes,” he said. “Many years ago. He was very good to me. He always treated me fair. I was sad to see him go. Then again, you never know. I went to the funeral. They never opened the coffin. I still like to think he’s over in Greece with his family, relaxing on a beach somewhere eating a delicious gyro.”

I smiled at him.

“I think that’s how I prefer the story to end,” I said.

“Me too,” said PJ.

All of us sat together in silence for a minute. Finally, PJ went back to the bar and I went back back to Mad Dog.

“See?” said Mad Dog. “I told you. Nobody in this town is going to say a goddamn word to you about Chico.”

The End

Overheard at Bloody Mary’s Bar

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One of my favourite things about being a writer is my collection of quotes. I have been collecting them since I was in high school. The following is a collection of quotes taken from my favourite bar, Bloody Mary’s. I have mined them from several notebooks I’ve used over the last three years. Some are attributed, while others are not. I hope you enjoy the show!

Mad Dog: This place sucks. Let’s go to Cleo’s.
Me: Ugh, why on Earth would anyone ever want to go to Cleo’s?
Mad Dog: The beer here is too expensive.
Me: It’s not expensive compared to a city. Besides, you’re not paying for the beer. You’re paying for the Bloody Mary’s Bar Experience™.
Mad Dog: What’s that? Sitting at the bar alone while everyone else in the room judges you?
Me: I see what you’re saying, but why sit at the bar when you can go outside and sit on the patio?
Mad Dog: You got on me on that one right there.

“What is it? The 1800’s?”
“Well, it is South Dakota.”

“Are you finished?”
“Yeah, I’m Finnish. Just kidding! I’m Polish.”

“He’s the Cornelius Vanderbilt of Social Security.”
“What does that even mean?”

“I keep my house emasculate.”

“If you’re seen slow dancin’ with him, it’ll ruin your reputation.”

“My couch may pull out, but I don’t.”

“I took so many pictures last night, I had to delete some apps to make room for them all.”

“I gave up Catholicism for Lent… five years ago.”

“Do you think we’ll ever make it back out to the Hills alive?”
“You two sound like a couple of old cowboys.”
“We are a couple of old cowboys.”

Mad Dog: Let me tell you a story about that guy sitting right over there. That guy was hired to kill me. He tried everything. He even tried to run me over with his car. Finally, he realized, he can’t kill me. I’m invincible.

Mad Dog: Andrew used to be a fun guy. Always surrounded by women! Women everywhere! He was nice until he became–
Andrew: A Capitalist?

“Sioux Falls is like a suburb without a city.”

Mad Dog: In a few years, you can retire. Upgrade to Executive Level. Become a traveling bartender. You know… Ski Slope Mama.
Andrew: Ski Slope Mama???

Mad Dog: [points to my phone] Can you find me a list of everyone who’s currently in jail?

“George W. Bush definitely has Jedi Powers. Did you see him dodge those shoes? Normal people can’t do that.”

Andrew: I went to Prom Dinner at Al’s Oasis.
Me: You went to Prom Dinner at The Taxidermy Capital of the World?!
Andrew: What? It’s a nice place. It’s the nicest place in town!
Me: [horrified stare]

“You’re not a real Catholic until you’ve had an exorcism.”

“It’s always been one of my dreams to pop an eye out.”

“I would never never teach Sylvia Plath, just because I would never want to be implicated in someone’s suicide.”

“The other day I was just driving along and everything was so idyllic, you know? And then I thought… I might die here.”

“I’m not gay, but I’ve got a huge guy crush on Steve McQueen!”

“I worked in a slaughter house once. I lasted a day. Not because I was against it, but because it was too far away.”

Tattoo Guy: There’s nobody real in this bar tonight. Everyone is just an actor playing their part on the stage of life. It’s all so fake and meaningless.
Me: Wow, TG, that’s actually really deep and insightful. I’m totally going to write that one down in my notebook.

Me: Oh, like Fixer-Upper?
Andrew’s Mom: More like… Burner-Downer!

“He’s ex-military.”
“Oh, so it’s his job to be an asshole.”
“Yeah, old ex-military is the worst.”

“It’s hot. I’m hungry. They’re 18. Let’s go.”

Me: [barging into Bloody Mary’s right at opening] Is there something going on here that I should know about?!
PJ: Uhh… there’s an employee meeting at five?

“Oh, you made multiple mistakes tonight? Welcome to Bloody Mary’s Bar.”

“Here, you smoke this while I go get a drink.”

“It’s not a real 21st birthday if you don’t end up in a jail cell.”

“They call him Smoke Manning.”

“It’s not Betsey. I would have heard her.”

“I literally have a Masters degree in figuring people out and I don’t understand what’s going on with men.”

Some Rando Who Just Got Out of Jail: This town is bizarre. It’s like I’m trapped in some kind of movie.

“I looked out my window and it was like a time warp.”

“I thought it’d be a dirty old cattle town, but it was actually a nice, clean place.”

“They call him Shithouse Dan. He’s from Texas. We wrote a song about him.”

Townie: [to Andrew] You’re better in real life.

Me: Owl, when did we find out who Edward Snowden was?
Owl: June 5th, 2013. Wait, who is we? Do you mean me, or everybody else?

Mad Dog: Did you get married?
Townie: Yes.
Mad Dog: [shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Another Idiot.
[All the married men in the room laugh. Andrew laughs the loudest.]

“My only plan in life is not to have a plan.”

“Smokin’ dope and runnin’ porn.”
“Sounds like the life.”

Mad Dog: Why aren’t you out there stealing Trump signs? That’s where all the money is!

“Can I get you something?”
“A new life.”

“I’m gonna squeeze it like it’s a chicken’s neck.”

“I don’t want to pee or piss all over your place of business.”

“So you’re mad at me because I have too many opinions?”
“Yes.”

[introducing me to someone new]
“This is the woman who owns my soul.”

“With all the money I handle, I probably have the immune system of a cockroach.”

“Sorry I’m not all smiles today!”

“What’s the matter? Why do you have that look on your face? Haven’t you ever smoked weed out of a giant plastic bag before?”
“No!”

“I love Star Wars!”
“Who doesn’t? [long pause] Fascists.”

“I don’t necessarily have the nicest wiener.”

“I don’t think you realize that when a jackal gets hungry, it eats.”

“I’m not saying you’re my Rosaline. You might be Juliet!”

“I’m immune to the charms of most men.”

“This song really pushes the boundaries of what it means to be music.”

Me: [comes in a cowboy-like getup]
Bartender: Why are you dressed like that?
Me: This is how South Dakota people dress.
Bartender: I’ve never seen a South Dakotan dressed like that.

“You ever look at people and think, wow, drugs are bad? Well, these are the kind of people you look at and think, wow, drugs are magic!”

“I feel like we all have pieces of the same story.”

Artist Kid: [comes in wearing a vintage leather jacket] On a scale of 1-10, how Kyle is this jacket?

“And then the evil villain mastermind sent his henchmen to spy on me.”

“My stripper name is Diamond.”

Mad Dog: [randomly, out of nowhere] Have you ever met the Hershey’s Chocolate Family?
Me: What?
Mad Dog: Hershey’s… like the chocolate.
Me: What?
Mad Dog: They’re from Germany.

Mad Dog: [talking and talking] You got all this down?

Me: I’m hungry.
Date for the Evening: Me too.
Me: Let’s go get R-Pi.
Date: No way. Can’t do it. [long and calculating pause] That would absolutely destroy my calorie count for the day.

“There’s an awful lot of ass-fucking going on around here.”
“Well, it is South Dakota.”

Mad Dog: Every day is Halloween.

“My mother always used to say that if you gotta go, you say you gotta water the lilies.”

Me: I’m gonna go watch Andrew paint the awning.
Mad Dog: Me too! I hope he’s wearing his tight little shorts.
Me: [excitedly] Me too!

“Haven’t you ever gotten naked and rolled around in paint before?”

“He lived in his house for eight years and only cleaned his bathroom once. He is The Most Interesting Man in the World.”

Mad Dog: Andrew, you’re the only person in this world that I like.

Mad Dog: Garden Gnomes are my favourite animal.

“I made a beer bong out of a flamingo lawn ornament in college. We called it The Flabongo.”

Mad Dog: You know the only reason why I like baseball?
Me: Why?
Mad Dog: Because it was the only thing they let us watch in study hall.

“Take your work seriously, but not your life.”

“I’m not thinking right now. I’m just talking.”

“Winter is for getting drunk and pissing all over yourself.”

“Sorry I wasn’t smiling at 7am!”

“I’m not really a joke person. I’m more like an anecdote kind of person.”

“Do you live out in the country?”
“No, I live on Jefferson Street.”

“You know you’ve hit a low point in life when you’re getting into a fistfight over a 30-pack of Keystone Light.”

“I’ll have a water with no ice, please.”

Rando from SoMD: I hope you put Southern Maryland on the map.
Me: Be careful what you wish for.

“Welcome to Bloody Mary’s International. The Owl is flying. Jester can check the luggage. He’s not allowed near the bar anymore after mixing this terrible drink.”

“You’re just like my pinky toe. You’re cute and little and I’m probably going to bang you on the table later tonight.”

Mad Dog: [catches me sitting on the bench outside of Bloody Mary’s] Well, well, well… look who I found sitting out on the streets of Paris.

“All I know about the Illuminati is that they’re on the dollar bill.”

“Oh my god! There’s not enough brains in all three of them to make one!”

“I’m sure I’ll see you all much sooner than I want to.”

“I worked at that gas station before it was a Casey’s.”

“I’ll have the cheapest beer you have.”

Me: I was actually supposed to meet somebody important here tonight.
Mad Dog: Was it me? I’m the only person who’s important here.

Me: That was fun.
Mad Dog: Not as fun as watching a sunset.

Mad Dog: Hey Andrew! Are you ready to go to the strip club now?
Andrew: [dead serious] Yes.

Mad Dog: And that was the first time I saw a really nice set of titties.
Me: The End.

SCRIPT: The Mural On The Wall

Posted on Posted in Andrew, Bloody Mary's Bar, ScriptsTagged , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Betsey is sitting out on the patio of Bloody Mary’s writing in her notebook. Suddenly, a group of men come along and start getting ideas.

Andrew: I’m thinking about painting a mural right here. I have a vision in my head.

Guys: Tell us, Andrew! You’re soooooooo Great. We love you soooooo much!

Andrew: Thank you, thank you. What can I say? I am a pretty Great guy.

Guys: Tell us your vision, Andrew!

Andrew: It should be a mural of a Sexy Serving Slut!

Guys: That’s a Great idea, Andrew! Wow, you’re sooooooo Great.

Betsey: Seriously?

Andrew: She can be serving PBR! I can get the company to pay for it. I’m all about that corporate sponsorship. I get to take a little bit off the top for myself.

Betsey: Is that how you do it?

Andrew: Yes.

Guys: We don’t even care! We live to serve you, Andrew! We think you’re sooooooo Great. We all just want to be you.

Andrew: Thank you, thank you.

Betsey: Wait a second. You’re telling me you want to paint a mural of a beautiful woman serving drinks on that wall?

All the guys get hearts in their eyes and boners in their pants. They sigh dreamily together.

Guys: Yes…

Betsey: Umm… I mean… there aren’t really a whole lot of women who work here, so. Yeah. That’s not really an accurate depiction of what’s going on here. If anyone’s a Sexy Serving Slut, it’s Andrew. He can be the model!

Andrew: [shyly] You really think so?

Betsey: I know so.

Andrew: Well, thank you, but I don’t know if I have time to pose for a mural. I’m just so busy being Great all the time.

Betsey: That’s okay. You can just get Teen Angel to do it.

Teen Angel: [stands up and pumps his fist in the air] Yes!!!

Betsey: [singing softly] Started from the bottom, now we here…

Teen Angel: That’s what I’m saying!

Andrew: Okay, well let’s get this local artist who specializes in painting signs to do it.

The Artist comes in for a consultation. He leers at Betsey and asks him to model for her. She goes to his studio and discovers he is a creepy, predatory, perverted individual who likes 13 year old girls. His wife is in on the whole thing.

The Artist makes Betsey like a cheap whore. She leaves his studio and never goes back ever again. She comes to Bloody Mary’s and drinks for the rest of the day. She gives the dirty money to PJ just because she doesn’t want it in her hands.

Betsey suddenly realizes she drove out to this man’s farm out in the middle of nowhere all alone. Mad Dog says he should have gone with her. She feels sick to her stomach. Who knows what could have happened to her out there?

The Artist and Andrew sit down together for the consultation.

Andrew: This is my vision.

The Artist sketches Andrew’s vision right in front of his eyes. He is amazed and inspired.

Andrew: That looks Great! That’s exactly what I want!

The Artist: Okay, I can do that. That’ll cost you $1500.

Andrew: What?! Are you fucking kidding me? No way!

The Artist: I can do a smaller, less elaborate sign for less.

Andrew: What if it was just the PBR logo?

The Artist: It’s still going to cost you a lot. I’m a specialist. My time and talents are valuable.

Andrew: Okay, let me think about it.

The Artist leaves. Betsey writes a note to Andrew explaining what happened to her. He gets really upset and they get into a huge argument in the middle of the bar on Friday afternoon.

Andrew: You’re too opinionated! Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut?

Betsey: You don’t understand! That’s not who I am! That’s not where I’m from! I’m from Washington, D.C. There was a terrorist attack there when I was 13 years old! My Family knew people who died! I saw the ruins two days after it happened! If you see something, you say something. People’s lives are at stake here, Andrew! I can’t just not say something!

Andrew: I have feelings for you.

Betsey: What?

Andrew: I have feelings for you. I’m married.

Betsey: I have feelings for you. You’re married.

Andrew: What do we do now?

Betsey: I don’t know.

Betsey leaves and tries to avoid him for awhile. It doesn’t work. It only makes everything worse. She comes back to the bar when he’s not there. She is still extremely bothered by the sign issue. She looks around the patio and has a sudden realization. She walks up to Andrew and taps him on the shoulder.

Andrew: What?

Betsey: About the sign…

Andrew: Yes?

Betsey: Why don’t you just take the one hanging above the awning and hang it up on the wall? What’s it doing all the way up there anyway? No one can really see it. It should be hanging on the wall.

Andrew mouth drops wide open. He stands there looking at her in shock.

Betsey: You never even thought of that, did you?

Andrew: No.

Betsey: [shakes her head in disbelief] This is why you need more women around the place.

Andrew: I know.

Betsey: I just saved you $1500 and needless association with a creepy pervert. What are you going to do now?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World!

The End