Tuesday.

Definitely in a movie setting right now. I am sitting at an outdoor table along a major road in Central, watching people as they walk by. I got here just in time for the rain to start, so now everyone walking by is carrying their umbrella.

I love to speculate about people’s identities based on the umbrellas they choose. The umbrella is one of the biggest fashion statements one can make in Hong Kong. I personally have two umbrellas: a small pink one that I carry around every day, and a large rainbow one that I planned to carry everywhere but turned out to be too large.

Let’s look for some interesting characters on the street, just for something to write about.

-First, we have two Baby Boomer Finance Bros walking down the street in broad daylight drinking Guinness. Looks and sounds about right. They must be working Hong Kong hours, not London or New York. You can tell by the times of day people sleep and drink. Someone working London hours, for example, sleeps later the morning, works in the afternoon, and retires later in the evening. Someone on New York hours wakes up in the afternoon, starts working in the evening, and goes to sleep at 6am. Hong Kongers get up at 6-7am and might stop anywhere from 3-6pm.

-A random chick just walked by wearing a dress that looks like it was made from a recycled black garbage bag. It had dat crinkly quality to it and everything.

-An old Hong Kong auntie sporting a brand new pair of hot pink designer loafers. Nice! Super jelly! Where did you get those from?

-A Chinese Influencer modeling a fabulously deconstructed/destroyed denim skirt/pants combo that could only be worn in an Instagram post for a “street style” photoshoot. Honestly, jealous. I wish I had the confidence to wear those pants. They are so punk and she makes them look like everyday casual street wear. Epic.

-A businessman and/or pimp escorting two sex workers dressed up like school girls down the street. I’ve seen this more than once. I also recognize these two because I’ve seen them working Central before.

-So many Filipina “helpers” everywhere. They’re walking the dogs, they’re taking care of the kids, they’re doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry, all while sleeping in a tiny little closet with no windows and getting paid shit wages. This is an extreme issue of contention for me here in Hong Kong. You want to talk about modern-day slavery? Look no further than here! Yes, I am actively interviewing and documenting stories from Filipinas in HK. No worries.

-Aunties in fanny packs and visors power-walking in pairs like there’s no tomorrow.

-A man wearing a pair of shorts made out of the same garbage bag-recycled looking material.

-Finance bro who definitely looks like he is strung out on coke and/or Special K. That’s most of them, tbh, but this one is like… obviously an addict with a visible problem.

-Business guy carrying an umbrella advertising his business. Now that’s good marketing! I suspect it’s his because he is deliberately walking slow and sassy and spinning the umbrella so people notice.

-HK Woman wearing the most fabulous dress ever! And it has pockets!

-Ear Pods. Ear Pods everywhere.

-HK Uncle sporting the coolest looking “Alien Eye” sunglasses ever. It looks like he’s actually an alien and he knows it, he’s just wearing these glasses to disguise himself in order to fool the humans into thinking he is only pretending to be alien. It’s like something the main character of “Resident Alien” would do.

-French, French, French, French, and more French.

-Old Western Guy with a Big Chicken Walk. Not sure if he reminds me more of Foghorn Leghorn, or one of the “Chicken Walkers” from Star Wars.

-Delivery Guy who wears a “Stitch” costume every day. I’ve seen this one before. I suspect he might be on the spectrum. I suspect this because he is the most serious, efficient, time-oriented delivery person I’ve seen in my neighborhood. He knocked me out of the way on the Escalator once because he was in a hurry. And by that, I mean he was doing the full “Naruto Run” up the escalator to make his delivery on time. Love him for that. I hope he makes ALL the tips!

-Beefcake with a face like Alexander the Great! Helllllooooooo Sexy! Now that’s is a face that should be immortalized with marble. Bro, you could literally be a bust in the Louvre! So my type. I think we all know how I feel about guys named Alex, hahahahaha! Sorry, I meant guys who look like Marc Antony. Can you tell I spent way too much time alone in the library in university? Yeah, maybe just a little.

-Extremely good-looking Thai couple walking hand-in-hand looking happy. He’s a fit, serious, super beefy suit-type with tattoos (but still “pretty” in that way only Thais can be because of their superior beauty genes) and she’s a girlie girl wearing a really pretty dress. They look so happy together. Awww, so cute! I still believe in love, y’all! Also, that is the most masculine-looking Thai man I have ever seen. Damn. I’ve spent 5 months in Thailand and I never… wow. Damn, damn, damn. Great catch, Queen!

-Rich girl carrying her umbrella a full arms-length distance from herself, looking at it in disgust as if someone should be carrying it for her.

-Older Chinese Auntie sporting hot pink hair like she has lost any and all ability to give a single fuck.

-Chinese punk couple decked out in the classic “all-black everything with a side of chains” combo. The woman is wearing fuzzy platform slipper shoes made of fleece with big silver buckles. Definitely taking the term “Black Sheep” to a level never seen before. I am so here for it!

-Mainland Chinese influencers doing a street-style photoshoot featuring various items from Bakehouse. I see this multiple times a day, every day. I don’t get it. Nobody gets it. This is a Mainland thing. There are memes about it. I just saw another one on the Hong Kong Observer today.

-A cute little fluffy Pomeranian who just looks happy to be here. Same, same. Definitely my spirit animal today. So cute, so fluffy, so happy to be here, so happy to be alive. No real meaning or purpose behind it. Just grateful to be a dog living in a fancy high-rise in Hong Kong. Wait a second, am I actually jealous of a dog right now? I mean, yeah, obviously, that dog clearly has access to better groomers than I do.

-So many people wearing chartreuse. It’s such an awful color. Yet somehow… I’m seeing it everywhere today. Chartreuse and hot pink seem to be having a moment. Must be a reaction to the bland and boring basic color palette of Uniqlo favored by the Business Class.

-Fake designer bag, fake designer bag, fake designer bag.

-Western finance bro carrying a laptop-sized bag that, upon closer inspection, has lumps and weight consistent with a large bag of cash. He’s looking around all paranoid too. Wonder where he’s going today?

-Auntie with pink and purple hair proudly rocking a “University of Palestine” t-shirt. Fuck yeah! Slay, Queen!

-So many people just stop in the middle of the sidewalk to check their phones. Like, please, for the love of god, can you just step off to the side instead of getting in literally everyone else’s way?

-I don’t know how people can say Asian men are not attractive! There are some real hotties with bodies out here walking around Hong Kong right now! Justice for Asian men! I wish they had the time and energy to look in my direction. Alas. They’re all too busy making ridiculous amounts of money.

-White woman wearing short denim shorts. Tell me you are a tourist without saying you’re a tourist.

-Ten-year-old Chinese kid walking home by himself, ear buds in, totally engrossed in his phone. This is how safe Hong Kong is.

-Chinese grandpa wearing heavy-duty lab glasses as his everyday look. Love it. Why buy a set of lab goggles and a set of glasses when you can combine both into one singular every day look? Shop smarter, not harder.

-Indian business lady carrying two coffees who looks like she is about to jump off a building. Hope whatever meeting you’re heading to works out in your best interest!

-Another white lady tourist in denim shorts taking videos of herself on her phone. The denim shorts thing is a dead giveaway. Nobody actually dresses like that here. As I’ve said, it’s a lot of long, loose pants and flowy knee/tea/maxi skirts. The Daisy Dukes scream “I’m a tourist who complains about being stared at and feeling scared/uncomfortable abroad on social media page.” Listen. No one is staring at you because they want to kidnap you and hold you hostage as a rape slave. People are staring at you because you’re giving Trailer Park Trash instead of Strong, Empowered, Independent Businesswoman. I am not “slut-shaming,” just saying. There is a time and a place for a pair of Daisy Dukes, like at a country music concert when you’ve paired them with a super cute pair of vintage cowboy boots you found at the thrift store and a hot pink cowboy hat. That look slays every time! That being said, the Central business district of Hong Kong in the middle of a weekday is neither the time, nor the place for this specific outfit. It is what it is.

-Not the denim jorts! UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

-I’m so obsessed with all the platform sneakers I see. I used to wear shoes like that when I was in 6th and 7th grade. Oh my god, I remember having to FIGHT with my mom to let me get the glittery blue and purple platform sneakers from Sketchers. She only gave in because everyone in the store was urging her for being so mean to her child in a public place where everyone could see. One of her favourite ways to target me was for being short with a big butt instead of being tall and graceful with legs longer than the Amazon like my older sister. So she spends all of her time making fun of me for being short, then has a meltdown when I try to “fix” the issue by asking for a pair of shoes that make me 3 whole inches taller. And we all wonder how I ended up with a complex about wearing stilettos every day in my early 20’s. Well, ain’t nobody got time for dat anymore. I wear my hot pink sneakers every goddamn day and I love it.

-Chinese dude sporting a “Crocodile Dundee” hat and a suitcase. I’m guessing he’s either on his way to an adventure and has a late flight, or just came from one and is waiting to check in to the hotel. Either way, love this for him.

-Chinese cops spotting white Western people openly vaping on the street, looking in the other direction, and walking away. They just made vaping in public extremely illegal, btw. The penalty is supposedly 5 months jail time and a $60k HKD fine. Yeah, that’s definitely not being enforced, at least on the “Expat Side.” Kinda like how Finance Bros are out here offering lines of coke off a dirty bar toilet to random Western women who they don’t take seriously as professional writers.

-Western expat bro sitting on the cafe using his adorable dog as bait to pick up chicks. He’s a regular here. I can tell by the way he and the staff are speaking to each other. Plus he is sitting right on the edge with the dog facing out. He’s been here 10 minutes and 5 women have stopped to visit with the dog already. Yeah, I see you, bro. I see you and your dirty old shorts paired with your sweaty-ass t-shirt pretending like you just came from the gym but really it’s actually giving “homeless guy on a bender using his more attractive dog for pity.” It doesn’t help that he has a map of Tasmania on his shirt… or is it Ohio? It’s actually hard to tell. The shapes are so similar. UPDATE: He just turned his back and it’s definitely a bar shirt from Cincinnati, Ohio. There it is.

-Wow, I just got hit with the nastiest smell. Is it rotting fish or is it Durian? Ugh. Not for me, not for me. It reminds me of the smell of the docks in the afternoon sun after too many fish have piled up. Not for me! Something about that dock smell gets me every time. I’m pretty sure it’s my Irish DNA. I’ve actually been getting random visits recently from an unknown Irish male relative spirit who is always talking about how lucky I am I don’t have to work down at the docks. No idea who the fuck this person is. I just see an old Irishman in a paperboy hat saying, “At least you don’t have to work down at the docks to pay off your family’s debts. It was my life dream to sit on a rooftop in New York City and write poetry all day. Now you get to do it in Hong Kong and all you do is complain, complain, complain. You don’t even know how good you have it compared to the rest of us.” True. The real question is: who is this random spirit that is suddenly haunting me in the last month or so? Are we related? If so, how? Teach me more, please. I would really like to know more.”

Okay, I think that’s enough for now. We’re getting a bit too deep into Happy Hour territory right now. Also, this music is like… basically my dad’s favourite Weather Channel/Elevator Jazz playlist to put on during a nap. Like he’s saying, “I don’t know how to talk to you right now. I can only express myself through music.” And it’s fine. You know? It’s fine. I hear him, I see what he did there, I get it. It’s just… really hard sometimes. That’s all.

Anyway, the rain has stopped now. Going to put away the iPad and just watch and enjoy. I love Hong Kong. I really do. I wish I could stay, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to pan out that way due to the job market. It’s okay. I think there are lots more stories to tell in this world. I can find a good story and interesting characters anywhere, of that much I am sure. I will be sure to spend what little time I have left here enjoying it to the max. Eating, exploring, watching people on the streets.

And then… onto the next one, onto the next one, onto the next one…