Sunday.

Here we are, back at my preferred brunch spot.

The ladies at the table next to me are being annoying and difficult. You know, the type that look at the menu and say, “Is there anyway I can order the XYZ, but change literally all of the ingredients so it’s actually a completely different dish that you don’t even serve here?”

LOL, that one gets me every single time. Some people are so entitled.

This is why I can’t wait tables anymore. The anger issues are real…

The same person just asked to change tables because she’s “too cold.” Yeah, maybe it’s because you’re wearing a strapless, backless, high-cut leggy dress with no underwear on? Yes, I can see that. Everyone can see that.

Just asking questions!

So Ridiculous.

Some people’s children…

Blah blah blah, enough about that. We all know you’re here because you want to read about the Full Moon Party I went to on Lamma Island yesterday. As previously mentioned, I was invited by some friends I met at the Secret Society. This is not an adventure I would have otherwise been able to brave on my own.

As you may recall, my neighbor is a big fan of Lamma Island. Now I know why. It’s easy to see why he made it into his entire personality. It’s like the Thailand of Hong Kong. They even had Big Changs and elephant pants! Love it.

Obviously, I took the opportunity to stock up on incense. I forgot to buy a fan though, which is annoying because I really need one. I guess I’ll pick that up today. Memo to myself…

Hmm… sorry, got derailed for a minute there. I had to eat my avocado toast. Now, where was I? Ah yes, Lamma Island.

I wandered about for a bit trying to get some sense of where I was. It’s a small island, but it’s very jungly. Can’t say I loved walking around alone in said jungle alone at the end of the night when I was trying to find my way back to the ferry. It was quiet. Too quiet. Like, eerily, spookily, unsettling quiet. That’s never a good sign, as far as I’m concerned. The jungle should sound like a symphony at night.

Anyway, I tried to go to the chill, local restaurant that was recommended to me at the Secret Society, but it was too full. I used the opportunity to check out the place that was described to me as “very douchey.” It was a fancy restaurant right by the sea with a lovely view and extremely overpriced menu. I loved it, lol.

And as I sat there with my glass of French rosé and my mini hummus platter, looking around at all of the douchebags surrounding me, I couldn’t help but wonder… Am I a douchebag too?

Lol, I might be!

I received the answer to this question soon after, when I finally met up with my friend and we walked down to the beach together. There, she introduced me to everyone. They were all very hippie dippie. Very relaxed, very chill. Perhaps a little too chill. It was giving Bali yoga shala vibes, which, in my experience, is never a good thing.

As we all know, as a neurodivergent person, I am extremely uptight and weird all the time. I have exactly ZERO chill. I could definitely tell some of them were put off by my general aura. I thought to myself, “Yup, I’m definitely a douchebag. It’s okay! At least I’m self-aware!”

It was in this moment I realized exactly why I love the Secret Society. They’re a bunch of uptight douchebags who don’t know how to have fun, and so am I.

This was re-confirmed to me later in the evening, when the sun was setting and it was time to stop by the beach bar. I went to shower off and change. As I was standing in the dressing room, I heard the Canadian chick talking shit about me to her American friend. I just laughed to myself. Like I’ve never had this happen to me before, right?

I waited a minute and allowed the conversation to pass. Then I walked out with my head held high, made direct eye-contact with her, and smiled at her in a way that said, “You know I just heard all of that right?” without me actually having to say it.

Then I walked up to the bar and bought her a drink. She tried to refuse three times, but I insisted. I said, “I’m just being nice” and gave her the same sneaky little smile again. She did not look happy AT ALL! Mwa Hahahaha! I win.

I know. Impressive, right? It’s called a Power Move. Look it up.

We all sat down around the table and began chatting again. The American guy wanted to rant about the train system in the US, but I stopped him and said, “Hey, I would love to catch up with you sometime about American politics, but right now we are in mixed company and we need to respect the other members of the group.” That worked! Shut him right down.

That was when they subtly turned the topic of conversation to my neighbor. Oh yeah, they definitely knew him. They were subtle about it, but it was obvious to me what they were doing. He must have warned them I was coming, lol.

I’m speculating this because he left to go to 7/11 about five minutes before I left to catch the ferry so he could walk out of the elevator at the same time I was walking in. He also chose to make the same trip with the exact same timing when I came home. Pretty weird coincidence after two months of avoiding me at every opportunity possible. He knows what he’s doing. I know he can hear me through the wall.

Or perhaps it wasn’t him at all. It was me all along. I’m the one who asked early in the day if any of them knew him. Of course, no one knew him at all. Sure, Jan. He talks about it all the time, but no one on this tiny little island knows him at all? Yeah, I’ve seen this tactic deployed in HK before.

They all pretended not to know him until this conversation. I am not the one who brought it up. They took care of that for me, as I knew they would.

Hahaha, suddenly I understood why that Canadian chick had such a sharp stick up her ass. She was acting WEIRD! She was not subtle about it at all. In the back of my mind I wondered if they’d had a thing at some point.

Not gonna lie, I did judge him for that. Just a little bit. Really, bro? A Canadian? I have a whole Island of Lost Guys and even I’ve never fucked a Canadian. How do you even talk dirty to them in bed? What do you say? How does that conversation go?

“Oh baby, oh baby, show me how sweet that Maple Syrup tastes.”

“Oooh yaaaahhh, dontcha know it, eh?”

Yeah, no, can’t do it. Too close to South Dakota. Not for me!

I digress. Back to whatever I was talking about before.

I would not call this an in-depth conversation. I would say they wanted to ask me one question, and one question only. They wanted to know why he talks about moving over there all the time but hasn’t done it yet. I just shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Maybe there’s something keeping him where he is right now.”

They just look at me like, “What?”

That was when the guy sitting right across the table looked right at me and gave me this weird knowing look. I looked back at him and realized he looked really familiar. Like I knew him from somewhere, but I didn’t know where. Hmmm… strange, indeed.

And that was it!

I do have a theory about that now, upon further reflection.

To me, that place felt like a dead end. You go there, you settle down, you live your little paradise Island life, and you never leave again. It’s giving Land of the Lotus Eaters vibes, you know?

I thought about the night he flipped out on me on the rooftop and realized he wasn’t actually yelling at me. He was yelling at himself. I don’t think he really wants to settle into another dead end. I think he’s like me. He’s more interested in figuring out how to elevate himself.

I could be wrong, of course. We could just be projecting random bullshit onto each other through that paper-thin, cockroach-infested wall. Who even knows at this point?

The conversation moved along and they all went their own ways shortly thereafter. They invited me to some bar for the live music, but I wanted to go off on my own.

I chatted with the bartender for a bit before heading off. As I was leaving, I said to him, “Sorry, what did you say your name was again?”

“Andrew.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkk!

Now THAT… THAT was too much for me. I promptly went back down to the beach and sat alone under the full moon, drinking my Big Chang and processing all of my thoughts. I did a Moon Salutation on the shore and let my spirit become one with the sea. Then I decided to catch the ferry back home.

This was the part when I got lost in the jungle. Not fun! Not for me! Like I said, it was too quiet for me. Freaked me out. It reminded me of South Dakota, and not in a good way. All I wanted in that moment was to get the fuck off that haunted island and get back home.

That was when the freakiest part happened: a little Indian boy on an orange bicycle that looked just like Mad Dog’s appeared. He motioned for me to follow him, so I did. He led me right back to the ferry before picking up speed and disappearing somewhere far ahead. He never came back down the pier, and I didn’t see him at the end of the dock by the ferry.

SPOOKY AF!

I’m so into that shit. I love it when I have weird spiritual encounters. I mean, I definitely don’t like them when they’re happening to me in the moment because it’s pretty much always weird and freaky, but it’s always fun to write about them later!

Finally made my way home, only for my neighbor to make another one of his dramatic appearances. I just gave him the side-eye as I passed him like, “Wow, what the fuck, bro?”

I was high on the adrenaline rush of getting lost and trying to find my way home, so I went to meet my new American friend at the bar he works at on Peel Street. He promised me a free beer if I came to their anniversary party, so I took him up on the offer as a show of solidarity with my fellow Americans in Hong Kong. You know, all five of us, lol.

Peel Street was popping, but it was way too messy and overstimulating for me. Can’t do it. Not for me. Especially after the general weirdness of yesterday. I took my free beer in a to-geaux cup and headed back home. At this point, I was much calmer. Mission Accomplished!

I stayed up for awhile writing jokes to calm myself down. It felt like it took FOREVER to bring my cortisol levels back down to normal. I finally went to sleep, but did not dream that I can recall, which was a relief after all of the crazy nightmares I had this week.

Today I woke up and everything went back to normal. I did a really intense yoga session on the rooftop, took a shower, did a soothing aloe face mask, then got dressed and came out for brunch. Now I’m writing and judging the fuck out of the weird characters currently sitting in this room.

Well, Mr. Next Door, did you learn a lesson today? Just because I’m obsessed with you doesn’t mean you’re the only character on the island. Don’t take it too personally. After all, I’m not convinced it’s really you I’m obsessed with. Honestly, I think it might just be the super comfy sweatpants I stole from you. We’re in a pretty serious relationship now. I wear them like, every single day, literally.

LOL!

Okay, I’m off to bum around the Secret Society now. Oh, look, my Aussie Horse Guy is here. Fun!

Have a nice day! I know mine will be…