Listen up, fam. It’s Passover.
That means it’s time to make our annual spiritual exodus from ye olde world of slavery out into the desert to go get buck wild for 40 days and 40 nights worshipping golden toilets ballrooms fake reality tv show presidents idols, all while Moses is up on the mountain top doing… who even knows what, honestly?
Our sources claim he was talking to a burning bush, but like, who even knows what that means anymore, amiright? Sounds like a metaphor to me!
Yeah, I got your burning bush right here, fam. And by that, I literally mean my vagina. This is an actual vagina monologue. As The Lonely Island once sang, “This ain’t SeaWorld, this is real as it gets. I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget!”
And let me tell you, this bush is STILL on fire after the Russians plowed on through several days ago. It was quite the event. And now, this is what *my* burning bush has to say about all of my future dating requirements from here on out:
1. You must be Write-able AF. You can either be a Muse, or be Mused. Your choice.
2. The more ridiculous you are, the better. I LOVE watching a good freak show unfold live. It’s even better if you fully crash out right in front of my eyes. It really gives the story that little extra something special, ya dig?
3. You must GTFO ASAP because I don’t have time or energy for men in general at the ripe old ancient age of 37. I’ve basically gone full Irish Bog Witch at this point. I truly mean it when I say… I don’t give a fuck.
4. I know this is really, really, really hard, but can you at least TRY to be honest? LOL, “try” being the key word here. It’s very hard for most men! You wouldn’t even believe how many married men I meet who honestly think that they are fooling me just by taking off their ring, or creating some fake, elaborate, ultra sympathetic backstory, or whatever. No. Stop. Just… Shut up. Stop talking. I have literally heard all of this before. I can see right through you. Stop wasting my time!
5. You must be a hot, sexy beefcake (all ages welcome). I dated too many uggo sluggos when I was young, so now I only take applications from guys who could realistically be on Magic Mike Live. I prefer men in the 8-10 range, but I’m willing to settle for a Kind 5-7 if you have enough charisma. 5 and below’s can just book a ticket straight to Thailand and invest in a water buffalo. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
6. You must pay for everything, mostly because I already know that everything you’re saying is BS and you’re just going to waste my time. Therefore, it’s best for all of us if you just pay the tab.
7. Be aware that you will eventually run off screaming into the night from fear, and that watching you do so is of great amusement to me. Nothing scarier than a woman with opinions, amiright, lads?!
8. You must be good in bed. We all know you want one thing and one thing only. So, again, please do not waste my time if you’re only going to disappoint me.
9. You must be from a country I have not conquered yet. As of today, I am still in the market for an Aussie, but only if you’re a rugby player and/or can wrestle a full-grown saltwater crocodile into submission.
10. You must laugh at my jokes, or else!
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
This has been yet another episode of “Fuck the Patriarchy” by Betsey Horton, brought to you by our sponsors at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too.
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Mitákuye Oyás’iŋ!