Thursday afternoon. Not very productive today. Mostly just slept. I thought about my life for too long and felt pretty bad about it again, so I decided to sleep it off.

There’s some things I don’t feel bad about. Untangling myself from my toxic family is probably the biggest win that came out of all of this. I don’t miss any of them. Love my brother, glad we don’t live together anymore. As for the rest of them? Meh. I hardly even notice they’re not around.

It’s more of a relief not to have to deal with any of them than anything. They are pretty much always insulting me, attacking me, sabotaging me, or lecturing me. I don’t feel loved, accepted, or supported by any of them. I don’t enjoy spending any time around any of them. It’s a relief to finally be fully financially separated from them. They can’t control me anymore.

So I finally escaped from that situation at age 36. Then I immediately dove right into two questionable situations: the short-lived love affair with the Indian boyfriend from my Yoga Shala and the questionable job at the exploitive company in Hong Kong. Neither one of these things worked out, mostly because I have an incredible talent for identifying situations that are completely wrong for me.

But also, I did really believe Hong Kong would work out. Guy aside, I loved living in Hong Kong for two whole weeks. It was an experience. However, I also learned in that time that Hong Kong is way too intense me. I’m really more into my yoga rooftop zen garden vibes in Thailand. So it’s good I know that, at least.

Now I’m writing something fun. It is fun! Let’s make a list of books I’ve written and how fun they were to write:

-Bloody Mary’s — not fun at all, honestly. Mostly, they were just jerks.

-Andrew — sometimes fun, but mostly just sad.

-The Island of Lost Guys — Actually, I did have fun writing this. LOL!

-Travel Tales — sort of fun, but got a very vague response.

-University Newspaper Column — sometimes fun, but mostly just work.

-Blog — not fun, more like a discipline I have to continually work on in order to keep my strength up

-Romance Novel — So Fun! I love fun! Let’s make this really fun! It’s been so long since I’ve had any fun!

So the fun is happening, but in the back of my mind, I know this is not a sustainable plan. I need to find something else fast. The only problem is that my confidence has been knocked down again. I don’t feel like I can do any job in this world after Hong Kong, let alone teaching. I feel like a failure. But also Hong Kong’s work culture is just not on my level at all, so it was not a good match and I accept that. There are other teaching jobs that are more laid back.

Still, I worry, still I stress. This is why I’m writing the romance novel. It’s taking my mind off of all the difficult life situations I’m currently facing, like being homeless and jobless in a foreign country!

Also I just want to write what I want to write. People are going to complain no matter what I write. They complained about my column, about Bloody Mary’s, about Andrew, about this blog. Everyone is always complaining all the time. That’s all I ever hear. It’s like, whatever. I’m tired of reliving my worst mental health struggles as a young adult and I don’t want to write about that dumb little town, so yeah, let’s take this helicopter ride straight through Dubai and all of its sleazy late-night wonders. Fun!

No idea what the plan is. I’m just taking it day by day. I definitely have to find a less expensive apartment if I’m going to stay here. I have no idea what the plan is. Just find a job that I can do, I guess. Write this fun book. Relax. Do yoga. Vibe.

Everything is going to be okay, somehow. At least I’m in Beautiful Thailand!