3am. Awake because of the epic storm. First thunderstorm of the season. It has not disappointed. Unfortunately, my cat does not seem to feel as positive about the storm as I do. He has that stinkeye look on his face. I do not think he likes all the big booms.
Day was okay. Not productive at all. I suddenly started feeling under the weather in the middle of the afternoon and ended up sleeping for several hours. Realizing now it probably had to do with the incoming storm. I am sensitive to changes in the atmosphere like that. It’s interesting what I notice about my physical senses now that I am starting to reconnect with my body. I am not used to being so present. Usually my mind is way up in outer space…
Some days I think I’m getting better and making progress, other days I feel like I will never get anywhere. I should be feeling good because my website almost broke 300 page views today, but I don’t feel good about it at all. I feel like I’m just another clown in this guy’s endless clown show. Like, “Look, everybody! I’m an idiot! This guy hits on everything that moves and I actually went for it, only to be used and discarded in favor of inappropriate, unwanted attention towards women even younger than I am. After all, why bang someone who is actually consenting when you can just make everyone in the room feel awkward and uncomfortable instead?”
I don’t understand that, but whatever. Clearly, this guy has issues. Clearly, I have issues. We knew that though. I’m just disappointed in myself because I consider it a major backslide. It’s like all these different things can be true at the same time. I’m a messed up person, he’s a creep, but I was 100% consenting, but I was also being manipulated by someone two decades older, and there were questionable power dynamics, and nothing about what happened was good.
I feel bad for his wife. She has to read this. She has to look at me and be like, “Wow, not only did my husband go after this highly unique specimen of a woman, he also ditched her shortly thereafter to creep on college girls. WTF?!” I get it. Like, when it was just me, I felt like, “Well, of course I would do this because I am a broken, messed up person who cannot fix themselves no matter how hard I try.” But when I found out about the creeping, I had a full-blown meltdown. Out of jealousy! JEALOUSY! Jealousy over a married guy! BAH! Pathetic. Not only that, those girls were CLEARLY not consenting to his attention. That’s the most infuriating part. I’m willing and I’m still not good enough? What are you doing, bro? What is this even about? What are you getting out this entire thing? Why are you such a scrumbag? Ewww!
As you can see, human emotion is very complicated. Team No One!
I guess I really needed something to distract me from the fact that I keep sending out job applications and hearing nothing back. Sigh. Well, at least I’m not alone. Layoffs left and right in the news. Great idea, replace everyone with computers so no one can find a job and can’t make any kind of income to support themselves. Brilliant. Really thinking ahead on that one.
Welp, chalk that up to yet another failure in life. That’s just the way it goes. I can do all the Law of Attraction stuff I want and be positive and whatever, and life is always gonna serve me up a shit sandwich regardless of what I want or need or plan, so like, whatever. Definitely at one of those points where I just want to give up because nothing is changing in spite of my efforts. Like, why am I here? I just don’t understand. I clearly have no purpose. I guess my purpose is to be the clown who entertains everyone. I don’t know. I’m receiving no insight into anything at all anymore. I just get up in the morning and go.
Not really in the mood to go chasing down more of this story. I think I will hide in my house for the rest of the week. The information will come to me when it’s meant to. It generally does.
God, this is such a fucking bummer. I don’t know what other word to use. No one is winning right now. Everyone involved got dealt a shitty hand. This guy is just… ick. Ew. Clearly in self-destruct mode, dragging down anyone who comes into his path. I feel like I’m trying to get out of self-destruct mode and this just dragged me back into it. Whyyyyy?
I just want to be a normal person. I just want to be healthy in my mind. I just want to go back to work, go back to school, and live a full independent adult life. I don’t know why the universe is making that so difficult, but hey, that’s why I don’t swing with the whole “EVERYTHING IS A PERSONAL CHOICE” thing. Actually, sometimes there are factors outside of your control that affect the outcome of situations. You tell yourself you’re making a choice so that you feel in control, but in reality, you’re just lying to yourself. It’s all an illusion. Time is a circle. We can make choices, but, they may not always lead where we want them to go. I had a plan for my life and instead the universe dumped me off in South Dakota. I tried to get out of here many times and every single time I just ended up getting dumped right back here. Why is this happening to me? I don’t know. All I know is that I want out of this horrible fucking shithole. Forever! So someone needs to respond to one of my job applications so I can finally do that! But I personally have no control over the computer program that collects the resumes. And for the love of god, please don’t say, “It’s all about who you know.” Okay, great. I know you. Get me a job. “NO NOT LIKE THAT!” Okay, then, stop. Just stop. I’ve heard all the advice. Blah blah blah. I’ve done all the things. I have no control over the resume collection software, regardless of any other choices I make today. The end.
I’m not even looking in South Dakota anymore. I want out of here so bad. I hate this place. I’m sick of not having access to basic healthcare, marijuana, family planning services, or halfway decent jobs. I’m sick of all the deplorable fucking assholes. I’m sick of the stupid gossip and screenshots and fake nice bullshit coving up the never-ending meanness. I just want to live somewhere normal. This place is, as their beloved Donald Trump would say, “A third world shithole.” So, yeah, I need out if I ever hope to recover fully.
Too bad all I get is silence, silence, and more silence. Yay! I can’t win! No matter what I do! That’s why I keep making bad decisions! Because it’s the only way anything will ever change in my life! I try to do the right thing and I just get fucked over every single time, so yeah, whatever. Who cares.
I feel very hopeless right now. I need a major league change. Universe, please, magically make it happen. Nothing I do is working. It just keeps ending up the same. I feel so helpless. I just want change. I write my affirmations and try to stay positive and make the vision boards and nothing changes. Why is that? Why does everyone else get to be normal and I don’t? It’s not fair.
Wah wah wah.
I hate my life.
The end.