Thursday. Not my best week. The vibes are all the way off. Basically just decided to bury myself in more documentaries about various cults. I don’t know why. Probably because I don’t understand people and I just want to be informed about the world. Also, I do yoga, so, ya know, I feel like I should probably be aware of the various cults and predators involved in that world. Turns out there are many. Thank god for my experiences at Bloody Mary’s and Starbucks. Now I know how to recognize potential cult-like situations in the real world. Especially Bloody Mary’s. That shit is definitely a cult. Or at least it was from approximately 2016-2 months ago. It probably was before that. I just wasn’t paying attention.

Not really sure what else to say right now. What have I watched this week, specifically? Let’s see. First I watched Leave the World Behind, which was honestly just cynical and depressing. Hated the ending, which is funny because that’s an accurate real picture of me at this stage in my life. Not flattering, but true. Then I just got so depressed about the state of the world, so I decided to cheer myself up by watching my favourite Covid Lockdown escape film, Independence Day! I then proceeded to cry hysterically the entire way through this cheesy 90’s action flick that I have watched somewhere between 50-100x since the year 2020. What can I say? I needed to feel like we had a leader who actually cared about us. I needed to see a group of diverse people from different backgrounds put aside their differences to work together and defeat an existential threat. I needed an actual satisfying ending that answered all of my questions. It was cathartic, as it always is. I definitely felt better after that.

Then I decided to return to my research on cults. Decided to move Eastward and check out The Doc Antle Story, Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator, Wild Wild Country, and Searching for Sheela. Gotta be careful of those Enlightenment Grifts. That shit is real. Then I watched The Pig Farm, which about that serial killer in Canada who was chopping up Native women and sex workers on his pig farm. It was basically just about how incompetent, racist, and misogynist the cops are and that’s why it took this guy forever to get caught. I’m not into the gratuitous gore stuff. I found the Wikipedia article to be an effective enough summary for what they found after they caught him. Really I was more fascinated with how this story has helped put #MMIW on the map.

Then I watch the John McAfee doc on Netflix and said out loud to all the haters living rent free in my mind, “FYI: This is an EXCELLENT example of what paranoid delusions *actually* look like. Maybe if you didn’t casually throw the word ‘delusional’ around in everyday conversation, you would understand it’s a serious health issue and it’s not actually funny. But you don’t care, right? Jokes about mental illness! So funny in a society that continues to actively vilify it and refuse to provide actual services real people need. Ha ha ha!” Idiots.

Then I was making jokes about Bloody Mary’s being a cult and realized I could actually turn that joke into a whole story incorporating like three other “sets” of characters.

Wait, what exactly do I mean by that?

So basically, while I was busy marketing the shit out of my Bloody Mary’s stories using the phrase “So Controversial I was Banned for LIFE!” and everyone’s faces were melting off about it, I was actually not-so-secretly collecting more info on the town and the people in it. I literally have a list containing maybe 500 names, all divvied up according to their “clique.” If you lived here between 2016-2020ish*, your name is probably somewhere on that list with a set of notes next to it describing your personality type and/or some kind of interesting little factoid about you. It was basically created to be my Stock Character List. Now it’s very convenient for me to look at this list with the idea for a story and say, “These characters would be GREAT for this!” But I’ve also since learned how to mash two or three characters into one, combine settings into one, and change details about people to better hide their identities, so really it’s just a reference point for me. I hadn’t actually used it until this week, but Present Me was very grateful to Past Me for taking the time to make it. It’s useful AF.

If you’re worried about your name being on this list, don’t be. Unless you’ve done something especially egregious to offend me, there’s probably nothing offensive written about you. The people who are not getting flattering write-ups already knew that before the pandemic. If still you’re wondering, “What observations did she make about me on this secret list?” I guess you should look in the mirror and ask yourself what the best possible thing someone could say about you is and hope I chose that descriptor. Then accept the fact that the way you see yourself is probably not the same as someone sitting in public is seeing you. Then accept the fact that it doesn’t matter anyway, because you’ll probably just end up combined with like 3 or 4 other people into one person. Why? Because your identity needs to be protected for legal reasons and so do I. Also I’m so effing tired of randoms coming out of the woodwork to bitch at me about the way they were written in Bloody Mary’s. Like, I really don’t know what to say to those people.

I told you upfront that I’m a writer.

I told you I was writing a book, a blog, a screenplay, a poem, whatever.

You knew I was sitting there observing you, taking notes, watching your every move, and you made Choices.

And OH!

Did you ever Make. Some. Choices.

Then you come to me and cry because I wasn’t “nice.”

Oh, boo hoo, biatch. Maybe next time you shouldn’t have made the CHOICES you made.

Is this still haunting you? Simply follow the advice you’re always giving me: Just shut the fuck up and get over it already! Nobody cares! Stop playing the victim already! Just stop talking and just go away! You’re not welcome here! Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Next time, make some different CHOICES!

So anyway, back to my cult story. So hilarious, you guys! I’ve been cackling the entire time I’ve been writing it. So hilarious. Oh my gosh. Wow. I’m so glad that guy finally sold that bar and left town. Wow. As soon as it happened, it was like the goddamn levy broke. Now I’m cruising around in a motor boat searching for any lost plot bunnies that survived the storm to rescue and rehabilitate. My mind is my own again. The spell is broken. Every time I think about “Sam” (who is DEFINITELY not the same character as “My Andrew”), my brain starts singing: “Ding dong the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!” And then I do a little dance because I can finally write again without this miserable manbaby driving all crazy Cruella De Vil-style down Main Street, screaming his head off at me and throwing an actual tantrum in the middle of the street. Lesson learned. Next time just throw a glass of water in his face and he’ll just melt into a puddle of deep-seated psychological issues. Probably.

Hahahahahaha I actually just re-watched that clip and I was like, “Wow, this is actually the perfect visual metaphor for how crazy this guy and his henchmen actually went trying to stop me from writing.” Yeah, so needless to say, the notes next to his name are not flattering at all. Whatever. He deserves it. He’s a fucking psychopath. SO HAPPY he’s finally gone! I feel like I’ve officially outlived all of my enemies. Minor life goals achieved.

Anyway, gonna take a break from the TV for a day and try to do something else. Plenty of chores and a naked Christmas tree to tend to. But is it naked, or is it nude? Naked implies the tree should feel shame for not wearing any lights or ornaments. JK, obviously. I’m trying to work on my comedic humor right now. Let me know if it’s working by leaving a comment rating this post on a scale of 1-5 cry-laugh emojis. Thanks in advance.

Off now. Have a good one!

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*Starbucks people are not included on this list because fuck them. That’s not a story, that was a series of actual literal labor law violations committed against my person. I’m not the problem there. This is a very well-documented issue this company has that has become a nationwide problem. They have a Union for a reason. They’re in the news for a reason. That reason isn’t me. It’s the company and their corrupt labor practices. Besides, most of my former “partners” wouldn’t have the attention span to read my stories anyway. If it’s not a 5-second TikTok video, they can’t understand it. I don’t cater to that audience. If you want to see yourself in one of my stories, learn how to read an actual book with pages. Sorry I’m not sorry!