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BLOG: This Is Not Right

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I just need this recorded on my blog right now.

Something is not right here. I know myself, I know my habits, I know something isn’t right.

I can’t find my recipes from today. That is not right. I always keep the receipts. Where are the receipts?

I know this isn’t right. I know I ate a meal, had some wine. It was not very good wine. It could not have been more than 4 glasses at the most?

I know my limit with wine. It cannot have possibly been more than that. I know what time that restaurant closes. I know what time I left. Where is my receipt?

Suddenly I woke up and I was up on my rooftop alone wearing a different outfit. Last recorded story was 6 hours ago. Where did the time go?

That’s not right. I know that is not right.

I know that isn’t right.

I remember things. I remember so many things. Like when I was with The Russian. I remember all of that. We were drinking wine. The amount of drinks did not matter. I remember all of that.

I always go to the same place. I always order the same thing. But then I went to a different place today and I had so much less to drink, yet I can’t remember anything, and I lost my receipt. That doesn’t make sense.

I was day drinking. I ate a meal first. I was writing most of the day. I know I did not drink that much. I know I did not. I was timing it by the hour. I know it’s not right.

That’s not like me. I know it’s not. I know I left around 9pm. That is my habit. I know my habit. I know how much I had. I know because I keep the receipts. I always keep track. But I can’t find the receipt. And now six hours are lost.

Something is not right here. I know it’s not. I know it’s not. I know myself. I know my habits. I always keep the receipts. I can’t find my receipt. I lost six hours. This is the third time this has happened to me in the same neighborhood in the last month.

Something is not right here.

I know it’s not right.

I know it’s not right.

I know it. I know it. I know it. I know it.

BLOG: Real Life Choices

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Sunday morning at the coffee stand. I was not feeling well this weekend so I did not come here yesterday. I have not been feeling quite right ever since I ate the squid… never again.

Because of this, I haven’t really done anything since I made my discovery. I think Younger Betsey would have taken some kind of regrettable action out of anger, but mid-30’s Betsey who studied yoga in India and Bali, traveled to over a dozen countries, and now lives in SEA is not compelled to do much of anything besides order delivery on Grab, watch Bridgerton, and sleep.

I learned from meditating that it was satisfactory enough for me just to receive some kind of answer. It was such a relief. I don’t think it would have become such a big issue for me if there had not been an extremely questionable third party interfering for some unknown personal gain. Now it feels as if the whole matter is resolved and I don’t have to worry about it at all anymore. That’s all that matters.

Anyway, I also have more important matters to tend to, like my actual real life, where I have multiple problems staring me in the face. So I like a good escape. So what? It is what it is.

I like being in Thailand. I just don’t give a fuck. Everything seems so far away. Chill vibes only.

Hong Kong is so much more intense and expensive and competitive. Especially expensive. It’s stupidly expensive. I knew it would be expensive, but damn. Everything is so absurdly expensive all the time. It’s a money pit. I’m not getting much return on that very high-risk investment so far. It’s been a good learning experience, though. I don’t regret it one bit.

As you can see, I have to make a real choice here. I can’t really worry too much about anything else right now. I need to find something. I haven’t gotten any callbacks so far. It’s not ideal. Still, I persist.

Anther choice to be made? Whether or not I will go to this party tomorrow for the Super Bowl. It’s at an absurd and unreasonable hour here (6:30am). I’m clearly only interested in daydrinking with the crazy expats. I don’t care about American football. I also want to see how messy it gets, lol. It’s like a reality TV show in there. What kind of person wakes up at 6:00am on a Monday to go to a bar and watch a sports game in Thailand? We will find out the answer to this question tomorrow!

What am I doing with my life? No one knows… no one knows…