Currently sitting in a random cafe, trying not to be found. I immediately packed up my electronics and left the school after I discovered my yoga mat had been destroyed. I was pretty freaked out by that. Who wouldn’t be after what just happened last night? That is so insane. Other people are so fucking insane. That’s why I hate leaving the comfort of my own home and dealing with them. Yet somehow, I’m the one who always get blamed for everything. Because other people’s issues are all my fault, of course. Always.

Of course, this guy is now running around trying to find me. I saw him pass by here earlier. I don’t know if he saw me or not. I got that terrible feeling in my stomach right before I saw him, like I already knew he was nearby looking for me. I don’t know what to think right now. The only thing going through my head right now is, “Run, bitch, run!”

I don’t know if it was him who destroyed my mat or if it was the mean girl. She saw us come back together last night and was in the shala when I went to bed. It could have easily been either one of them. Either way, someone around here is mentally unstable and I’m not really interested in sticking around to find out who it is and why they’ve chosen me as their target. Destroying someone’s yoga mat is fucked up on a deep, spiritual level, especially during a yoga teacher training program that is theoretically supposed to provide a safe space.

I knew it was all too good to be true. Nothing ever goes well for me in this life. Literally anything I try to do, someone is there to sabotage it somehow. I don’t know why I thought this time would be different. I did everything I was supposed to do. I did the gratitude journal, I worked through my trauma slowly over time, I did the yoga, I meditated, I cleaned and organized and left my brother with a safe space, I was kind to animals and children, I did small acts of service without asking for recognition, I tried to take care of my insane parents and spoiled brat of a little sister out of obligation, took care of the dogs, took care of my brother, made sure we weren’t homeless in the middle of South Dakota winter, everything I could think of. But no. None of it matters. Why? Because other people are jerks and it literally has nothing to do with me.

Okay, I learned my lesson. Can something please go right for me now? That would be great. If I could just find my purpose and move forward and magically change my life like everyone else gets to, I would be fine. But no. No, no, no. It always has to end like this. Who cares what my plans are? My destiny is to be surrounded by jerks forever.

I’m actually really pissed off right now. I want my money back. This was such a massive waste of time and energy. I literally just went in one giant circle and now I get to go back right where I started from with less money than before and even less prospects for the future. I guess I’ll just write it off as an overpriced yoga retreat scam and move on with my life. Start over with nothing, yet again. I’ve gotten really good at that in life, so at least I’m not overly concerned about that. I always manage to pull something out of my ass. How I’m going to do it this time, I don’t know. All that matters now is getting the fuck out of here, going somewhere safe, and making the long journey home in one piece.

True anger is silent, seething, calculating. True anger does not explode into a tantrum. True anger gets up and walks away in silence, dignity intact. True anger makes a plan of action and leaves it all behind. I understand true anger now.

I’m so tired of this shit. I’m so fucking sick and tired of mean girls and creepy men messing up my life. What the fuck is wrong with these people? I just don’t get it. Well, at least now we know all people are the same everywhere. They’re all garbage. Wow. What an enlightening discovery. I could have just stayed at home and watched TV and known the same thing without ever having to leave. Love this for me.

Oh, can’t wait to go back to Verm and be greeted by all the assholes laughing at me for my misfortune, YET AGAIN. Love being in such a negative environment all the time. Oh, I guess I could contact my family, who does exactly the same thing, with the added level of screaming at me and blaming me for everything that goes wrong instead of acknowledging that sometimes I’m not actually the problem. You think I’m the kind of person who intentionally fucks with someone else’s yoga mat? No. I’m not. I never have been. I stay on my own goddamn mat and try to do the best I can. Yet for whatever reason, I’m the one who gets labeled as a psycho every single time. I’m so over it.

So that happened. At least I didn’t have to think about Holidate Guy for 48 hours. Nope, somehow managed to step in something even fucking worse. How? I don’t know. Because apparently my destiny is to write a ridiculous book that totally subverts the dumb “ran off to another country, had a whirlwind romance, got married really fast only for him to drop his mask and unleash his inner abuser, forcing me to flee in the end” trope. The only thing worse than getting pumped and dumped is getting trapped in a foreign country with an abusive man who wants to control your life and make you dependent on him financially. Scary AF. This is definitely the horror movie I asked for back in October. Next time, I’m wishing for a rom-com.

Jealous of all the other yogis here right now from the other schools. They all look like they’re happy and having fun together. So unfair. Why can’t I just have that? Why do I keep getting stuck with all these ridiculous stories? I don’t want this anymore. I just want to live a normal life, whatever the hell that even looks like.

That doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters right now is getting the hell out of here, going somewhere safe, recollecting my thoughts, and making the long journey home. I survived Montana, I can survive this. I can survive anything.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I’ve been watching this baby bird try to fly all morning and a giant snake just came out and ate it. Right in front of me. Horrifying. That’s not a good sign. That is terrifying. Oh my god, am I the baby bird in this scenario right now? I think I am the baby bird. I know it’s nature but that is just depressing to watch on a day like today. Ick. Now its parents are flying around that spot in distress. Okay, that is definitely my cue to leave now. Appetite ruined for the rest of the day, for sure.

Call the US Embassy. Send in Liam Neeson. I’ve had enough.