Meanwhile, in a small town in the middle of nowhere…
Our scene opens with a wide shot of a basketball arena with a crowd split into two: Red vs Blue. The game has reached its midpoint. It’s time for the big halftime show. Turns out the USD Marching Band was already booked to march with the Krewes of Orpheus and Endymion on Mardi Gras (really!), so the new Athletic Director had to improvise. How else can we possibly handle this ridiculous clownshow he just walked into? With none other than pies to the face.
First up is a double-degree holder, scholarship winner, alleged athlete, Party Krewe Captain Extraordinaire, personal trainer/compliance office/bartender, former owner of local legendary bar, Bloody Mary’s, possible cult leader, Muse, wannabe musician, and so much more! Oh, so much more. He’s got it all: looks, money, cars, swag, dare I even say it… ladies galore? Yes, everyone. Let’s give it up for our favourite 100% fictional character of all time: Andrew Darling! He’s too ridiculous to be true! And guess what? He’s not!
Andrew walks out into the middle of the court and waves at the crowd. Four cheerleaders immediately run up to him and adorn him in a laurels, flowers, gold, and various other sparkly objects. Everyone in the crowd melts.
Cheerleaders: Oh Andrew, you’re our hero! We love you so much!
Just as the audience is about to puke, the sound of revving engines comes out of the speakers at full blast. A gang of three coyotes roll up into the middle of the court. Up front is “Marley” the Mascot himself, seconded closely by local celebrity and Writer Extraordinaire, Betsey Horton. They are followed closely by an Intern carrying a cooler full of pies.
Announcer: And now, everyone turn your attention to center stage for the big surprise! On behalf of charity to all womankind, today, watch live as Andrew Darling gets a pie to face right on National Television. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank our sponsors at USA Today. We wouldn’t be here without your million dollar donation, literally! No, seriously, please help us, we’re dying. Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re our only hope.
Meanwhile, at Bloody Mary’s, everyone on the Line of Death has literally melted into the bar. Cut back to the basketball game. Marley makes a big show of getting out the stack of Boston Creme Pies while Betsey warms up in the bullpen.
Andrew: Wait a second, this isn’t right. They told me I was the Professor of the Game. I thought I was getting an award.
Betsey: Turns out you’re just getting a pie to face! Mwa hahaha! Now, revenge is truly mine for the taking!
Betsey snatches a pie from the cooler, storms up to Andrew confidently, and pies him right in his stupid, smug, smarmy little face. She takes some extra time to rub it in before she finally lets it go and lets the tray fall to the ground. Andrew stands there in stunned silence, unsure of what to do next. Betsey turns to the crowd and starts jumping up and down. Everyone stands up and claps.
Betsey: How you like me now, Whoremonger?
Andrew: [takes a towel from a sympathetic cheerleader and slowly wipes off his face]
Betsey: Yeah, that’s what I thought! And by the way, I just want you to know that I saw your real estate ad in the paper this week and I can’t wait to line my cat’s litter box with it so I can watch him shit all over your stupid fucking face. Fuck you, asshole.
Marley: Damn, that’s cold.
Betsey: Hey, you know what’s cooler than being cool?
Marley: Ice cold!
Betsey: I said what’s cooler than being cool?1
Marley: I.C.E. C.O.L.D.
Betsey: Alright alright alright alright alright!
Betsey and Marley break out into in an epic hip hop dance-off. The cheer squad and dance team roll in for support. Everyone in The Crowd stands up and gives a very enthusiastic round of applause.
Betsey: You want more?
The Crowd goes WILD!
Betsey: What’s that? I can’t hear you!
The Crowd: RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Betsey: Well, folks, guess what! We’re got so much more! Marley, get the next pie. It’s time to welcome our second volunteer!
Announcer: And now, please welcome to the court! Athletic Department VIP, Mr. Levi Genes!
Levi: [walks out with a confused look on his face] Really? That’s what you decided to call me?
Betsey: You said you like country music. I’m on a deadline. What do you want from me?
Levi: Okay, fair enough.
Betsey: Are you ready for this?
Levi: Yes, I am ready to take one for the team. Give me that pie right to the face.
Betsey: Oh, you think you want a pie to the face? Okay. Well, what if we surprise you with THREE pies to the face instead?
Before he even realizes what is happening, two more scooters roll into the arena. Levi’s First and Second Wives step onto the court. Marley hands them both a pie with that spooky, vacant, dead-eyed smile on his face.
Levi’s First Wife: Honestly, I don’t really care anymore. I’m just doing this for the sake of school spirit.
She promptly pies Levi in the face, turns to the crowd with a winning smile on her face, waves like a beauty queen, and saunters off. Levi’s Second Wife steps up to the plate. She looks pissed.
Levi’s Second Wife: You fucked another woman in *MY* goddamn house and THIS is how I have to find out?
She smashes the pie into his face and vanishes back into the sun forever. Betsey grabs a pie and walks up to Levi before he has time to react.
Betsey: So much for your little Secret, huh?
Betsey smashes the pie into Levi’s face and takes a little extra time to really rub it in. Levi stands there in shock as another dance number happens around them.
Betsey: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do it, but it had to be done. Now, does anybody else want a motherfucking pie to their motherfucking face?!
To the shock of everyone, the owners of The Club and Cleo’s both come out into the middle of the court.
Club Owner: I guess I just kinda figured, this is it. This is my one shot. I gotta lose myself. Mom’s spaghetti. I came to win this fight today.
Betsey: And we are here to fully support you in that quest. You don’t get a pie to the face today, but you do get this 47-inch plasma TV and a $50 gift card to Agua Fresh as a consolation prize. Congratulations on winning the award for Best Lunch Spot in Town, 17 years and running.
Club Owner: I just wanna thank my family, my friends, and everyone who didn’t make it this far to see me win this award today. I’d like to pour one out for all of you today.
The Crowd: Awwwww!
They give a big round of applause before turning their attention back to the final contender in today’s exciting halftime reality show.
Betsey: And why are you here today, Crusty?
Cleo’s Owner: I just want to be a good sport about this whole thing.
Betsey: Well, I don’t.
Betsey pulls out a pie from behind her back and smashes it his face. The crowd gives a final uproarious, standing ovation. Betsey and Marley wave to everyone before hopping back on their scooters and yeeting themselves all the way down to the Hottest Night Club in Town. There, they live their best single lives without giving a fuck.