Saturday morning. At the coffee stand. It’s full today. Everyone is here this morning. The sad lady got up from her seat and went to share a table with another lady so I could sit here and write. I thought that was very nice of her to do that for me.

How am I? How “am” I? Oh, I’m really something, that’s for certain. I am definitely still very irritated about what happened with the British Guy. Very irritated. Is it hard for me to get another date? No. But it does require time and effort and it’s very annoying to have to start all over again. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to work very hard. Like… ugh.

I think it would have been fine if he hadn’t been messing with me while I was at the yoga shala. He was deliberately interfering in a sacred process. And now it’s like… painful for me. I know I need to move past it, but it’s also like… why was I acting so stupid? Why did I do that? Why did I give him that? That was bad. I should not have done that because now I have a fixation and he’s gone and the energy has nowhere to go and I can’t live my life like this anymore. I have very real needs that are not being taken care of.

I continue to feel extremely sexually frustrated all the time. I have absolutely no sympathy for men whatsoever. I’m sick of reading these dumb thinkpieces about this so-called “male loneliness epidemic.” I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Okay, I need to go do some kind of Thai exorcism this weekend and get this guy’s essence out of me so I can focus on my purpose again. I am here to be a professional writer. I am here to start my real career. I am not here to dick around with gross passport bros. This is the mantra.

I fully blame his colonizer energy for this. It’s like… you’re gone but you’re still here on the corner of my flag, lolololol.

So many jokes. This is why I can’t let it go. The jokes are… numerous and plentiful. This what they mean when they say “Be careful who you exchange energies with.” His energy feels like a colonial force occupying my mind and my body. I don’t necessarily want it there, but I might as well befriend it since it won’t leave.

It’s like the British rolling up to India and being like, “Right, we’re here to organize everything and out this place back in order.” And the Indians just stare at him with wide eyes and click their tongues and wave their hands and shake their heads and say, “Atcha cha cha.”

I should do something today. Something other than lie on my yoga mat and stare at the ceiling. I have no energy at all because I decided to go out to the bar very late last night. I just sat there and got drunk with the old men and listened to them tell me stories.

This part of town is totally dead on a Friday night. I am the lame one who is afraid to venture too far out alone. I just feel like I’m an easy target based on my inability to manage my own feelings about some random guy I had a one night stand with, and I don’t want to deal with any of the problems that come from that.

My one solace is watching the street. Best part of the day. I liked my other apartment in Bangkok, but I felt so isolated nestled way back in there. Sitting in the park every morning was nice, but I prefer to watch the street. I like a lot of activity after living in the middle of nowhere for so long.

I am currently researching yoga studios and the class fees are outrageous. It’s 5k THB for a monthly membership to one studio! That’s half of British Guy’s girlfriend’s monthly salary right there. How can she afford a yoga studios membership and all of her beauty treatments on such meager scraps?

Ugh, I just keep finding more reasons to hate him!

Thus the fixation continues… energy is energy, good or bad, positive or negative. It is what it is.

I just have to make it into a joke because it’s such a nightmare. It’s a goddamn nightmare. I must make it into something funny so I can laugh instead of cry. This is the only thing I know how to do with my ridiculous life.

What am I even doing with my life? I have no idea.

Trying to be a writer and failing wildly?

Right. Okay.

Ugh, I am definitely feeling super messed up today. In much need of some yoga. I just feel like… burying myself in a bed of pillows and never coming back out ever again.

So sad. So painful. I feel so bad about myself right now. I am so disgusting and pathetic and sad. Such a loathsome creature. Why am I never good enough for anyone or anything? Ugh…

Going back to my cocoon now. I am so tired right now…

Lo and behold, as soon as I said this, two of the gentlemen I met the other night at the bar walked past. It’s the ex/current (?) military guys. The obnoxious, loud American beefcake and the British bomb diffuser guy who lived in Hong Kong. They said they went to see a Muay Thai fight last night. How exciting for them.

They said they are on their way to the gym, but they invited me to hang out with them later. I said okay, why not? I’m trying to remember if the American guy said he was married or he is still married. I think he said he’s been married at least twice? One of them was to a Brazilian for healthcare and paperwork. I don’t remember if he said they’re still together? Either way, he’s not wearing a ring, so… whatever. It’s open season out here in Thailand, I guess.

Usually I don’t hang around ex-military because… well… no offense, but many of them are not the most emotionally stable people because we don’t take proper care of our veterans when they come home. And I myself am not an emotionally stable person, so really it’s just like pouring a fountain of gasoline right on top of an already raging fire. It’s not going to end well for anyone.

Still, I am bored and I need to get out of my bubble. So, let’s see what they’ve got to offer a single American woman in her mid 30’s living alone in Bangkok for Saturday night entertainment.

Why not?

Why the fuck not?

He just left me a voice message on my phone. He’s like, “Do you want to get lunch? Maybe seafood? Oysters? Let me know what you like.”

Oh, okay, so we’re going straight to the oyster bar, are we? Okurrr, girl. Show me what you got.