BLOG: The Wall

Tuesday. Went to Hatha this morning, came back to my room, and promptly passed out for 5 hours. Missed the rest of my morning classes. Not really sure what happened. I guess maybe I hit a wall, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Also haven’t slept in two nights. Mind is too active. Just really doubting myself right now.

I will have to find a way to make up for class later. For now, I am very focused on the fact that my lower back hurts and the fact that this guy still hasn’t left me alone. I told him I needed space after he tried to pressure me to go to a techno party, whatever the hell that even is. Some kind of event where I would be alone with him in a nightclub full of strangers on drugs. Not for me!!!! I can’t think of anything less fun than something like that, to be honest. Sounds like a recipe for sex trafficking waiting to happen.

Instead, I went to a beachfront bar for a ladies night and he went to the party thing with two of the male teachers. Spent the next day sitting a cafe writing all day, hoping he would not find me like he usually does. He did not. He went to another party somewhere else, so I thought, “Okay, maybe he finally got the hint.” Wrong! So wrong.

Last night, after dinner, I walked down to the beach to get ice cream and go for a walk by myself. Guess who followed me, again. Really. I asked him why he was still following me after I told him I needed space. He said he missed me after two days and had to see me again. I was like, “How can you miss me when you are right on top of me every single day?” I pointed out that, by extension, it was also impossible for me to miss him for this reason. He does not give me the space or time to miss him. He is just always there every time I turn around, like a fucking stalker. Unsettling.

Now he is saying we are going to get married and move to Australia for his new job. To the surprise of absolutely no one, I am doing all the cooking and cleaning and walking around barefoot and pregnant in this little domestic fantasy of his. Absurd. Then he started planning the little trip he’s going to take me on around India after school is over. Of course, this is after he finally takes me to the nightclub where he’s planning to give me LSD, which I have never done and do not plan to do in my life for fairly obvious reasons related to my mental health. Ugh. And he asks why I don’t like or trust men. Gee, I wonder?

I literally don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just sitting there watching this happen live, completely unsure what to say or do. I have no idea why this is happening to me right now. I just wanted to go to yoga teacher training, but I guess I can’t even do that right. So here I am, back in the same cycle I’ve always been trapped in, totally unable to escape.

So, yeah, no wonder I collapsed after class this morning and fell into sleeping beauty land. I’m exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically. This would happen to me. I mean, obviously. Why would I just go somewhere new and have a nice, normal experience like everyone else does? Why wouldn’t something totally ridiculous and outrageous happen? That’s my life. Literally my whole life. I’m like, “Okay, here’s the plan, I’m gonna go to this place and it’s gonna be awesome and things are finally gonna work out in my favor and I’m finally going to make the big changes I need to live a happier, healthier life.” Somehow I am always WRONG! It’s actually hilarious! HAHAHA! So funny! This life is all just one big cosmic joke. Nothing will ever be normal for me no matter what I do. I have no control over this situation whatsoever.

Of course, I have no one to talk to about this. I left my entire miserable, lonely, unhappy life behind. I had no one to talk to there. Then the other girls formed their own little duo and ditched me. The teachers are distant, so I don’t feel comfortable saying anything. What would the point be anyway? As I have learned, nobody ever takes this kind of thing seriously. I will just be blamed for inviting it in, as per usual. I’ll be told I’m misunderstanding, it’s a cultural thing, I just have to get over it, blah blah blah. Everyone will just spread my blog posts around in mockery so they can have a good laugh. It is what it is. There is nothing I can do. I have no control over other people. I am the one who always has to leave because I am the one who is the weirdo neurodivergent freak who never fits in or really belongs. All I have is my writing and this ridiculously sad blog.

I feel like giving up right now. Obviously, I can’t because I’m halfway on the other side of the world, I already paid for everything, and it seems stupid to give up because of some dumb guy who can’t take no for an answer. I just want to go back to sleep now. Or drink heavily. Anything to escape this stupid body I was born in. Anything to escape this ridiculous life I was born into that never stops being absurd no matter what I do or where I go.

I didn’t ask for this. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted to happen. Ugh. So frustrating.

Going to get away for the afternoon now. I desperately need a hummus wrap. Eating rice every day really messes with my system. It’s not fun. Guess we’ll see if he follows me again. I bet you 20 rupees he will.

Sigh.

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