BLOG: Here I Am

Monday. Feeling like an emotional dumpster fire. So unhappy about what is happening with the other students at the school. I’m sad and disappointed. Just once in my life, I wanted everything to be normal like it is for everyone else. Alas.

Doesn’t matter anymore. I’m stuck here for three more weeks regardless of whatever happens. Guess I have no choice but to meditate until I find my life’s purpose, which continues to evade me. Clearly my life’s purpose doesn’t involve interacting with other people, so whatever. I feel like just walking straight into the ocean and drowning myself. I’m never going to get anywhere in life. It’s always going to be the same, no matter where I go or what I do. I just can’t win.

Well, at least I have alcohol to soothe the pain. There is always that. It’s the only consistent thing in my life. Best to just embrace it for what it is.

Thought I had to teach today, so I came back last night after dinner and put together a little Warrior routine. Started with the courtesan dance so I could feel like I was leaving my past life behind, then did a mix of Disney’s Hercules and Mulan soundtracks for the “training,” some gangsta rap for the “battle,” some Native American drum music for the “victory,” and finally some Bob Marley to spread peace across the land. It ended up being more like a half dance, half yoga routine. Very intense. Could not sleep afterwards. The massive storm that hit in the middle of the night didn’t help.

I worried about it so much, but in the end we had a sub for that class and I didn’t have to teach the poses. I wasn’t going to do the whole routine with the soundtrack, obviously. I just did that to hype myself up and try to move myself into a new way of being. I don’t know if it worked. I just feel sad now instead. Like I am without a purpose in life. Like everything I say and do is meaningless. Like I am all alone.

I was having anxiety about the teaching part anyway. Like, I can do the routine by myself, but I can’t do it in front of others. The others are so much better than me. I don’t feel qualified to teach this subject at all. I don’t feel qualified to teach anything at all. I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide in my cave alone with my TV. I don’t want to be around people ever again. It’s always the same wherever I go. I just can’t win. Pointless.

I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. I just wanted to get the fuck out of that horrible little town and away from all of those horrible people. The truth is that I would have gone anywhere and done anything to get out of there for awhile. This just happened to be the opportunity that presented itself. Lol. It’s funny now. Wherever you go, there you are.

Well, here I am. I suck. I’m trapped in a body I hate with a personality no one can stand. I have no purpose in this life. My existence is meaningless.

Back to doomscrolling Reddit with the ocean waves crashing in the background. Can’t wait.


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