BLOG: Sunday Brunch

Sunday morning. Found a cute little brunch spot to charge my laptop in. Currently waiting on my coffee and croissant. Life is good.

B.P.E. Got that Big Pussy Energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. B.P.E. Got that Big Pussy Energy! Yeah, yeah, yeah! B.P.E. Got that Big Pussy Energy! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Seriously, why haven’t you watched Girls5Eva yet?! Best show 5EVAAAAAA! All the songs are still stuck in my head, lol.

I thought the other girls were still asleep when I came here, but apparently they had already ditched me to come here for brunch together. I only found out because I ran into them on the street while searching for a cafe to write in. One of them has clearly decided she doesn’t like me, so she was giving me that little narc smirk like she’d won something over me by leaving me out. Like, girl, you’re like, what, 25? Your generation is Ageist as hell, as I have unfortunately learned. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m not here for it. All I see when I look at you is someone who is negative about everything and wants to drag everyone down with them. I didn’t come here for that, so, if that’s who you want to be, I feel sorry for you. No wonder you’re falling asleep in Philosophy class. You clearly don’t get it. Personally, I don’t understand why you’re even here right now since all you do is complain. If you hate this place so much, ask for your money back and find a different school. You made a choice to stay here. I don’t want to listen to you complain anymore. Now that you’ve made the concious effort to exclude me, I see you for what you really are. I’m over that general energy in my life. I don’t care anymore.

It’s whatever. I’m so used to it at this point in my life, it doesn’t even phase me anymore. Besides, they’re still in their twenties. Nobody wants to hang out with the nerdy old 35-year-old lady with a million years of life experience. I get it. Not that it didn’t happen to me when I was in my twenties with people my own age. It’s been happening to me my whole life. I try to be nice, invite everyone along, make everyone feel included, and then they turn around and ditch me. Why? I don’t fucking know. People really are the same everywhere in the world. Nobody likes the Weird Neurodivergent Freak who inserts historical fun facts into every day conversation. Oh, heaven forbid you be aware of anything in the world outside of yourself and your own experience and your fucking Instagram page. Ugh.

Whatever. At least I can get some writing done. I’ve already been doing everything on my own for years anyway. I don’t need anyone. It’s just me and my immortal soul, trapped in this miserable shell of a body, always looking for a way out.

I don’t know why I thought things would be any different this time. I always go into every new situation hoping to make a group of girlfriends to brunch with. Never happens. I don’t know why I thought this time would be different. I think in the future I will stop hoping for the “Sex and the City Lifestyle” so I don’t feel the disappointment anymore. I mean, it’s not like I am the one who is excluding someone and making them feel bad about it. I’m not that kind of person. So, I shouldn’t feel bad because someone else felt the need to be an overly competitive jerk for no apparent reason. I’ll just pack up my writing stuff and go to brunch on my own, go shopping on my own, go check out the cool spots on my own. Same as always. It’s better to be alone. No one can hurt you that way.

I guess the only annoying thing to me is that I don’t meet many single people my age anywhere in the world. Everyone already got married and had kids. Boring! Ugh. Sometimes I think I want it, but I still can’t imagine myself doing that. I was trapped in my parents’ house for so long that the last thing I want is to return to an unhealthy, toxic family dynamic. I’m ready to *NOT* have a family for awhile, actually. Doesn’t help that my mom had my sister when I was 12 and actively sabotaged every opportunity I had in life so she would always have a free babysitter on hand. Yeah, definitely not interested in the whole having kids thing, for sure. Been there, done that, time to be free and explore the world. There’s too many people on the planet anyway. Especially here in India…

Hopefully that guy does not come find me again today. Talk about suffocating! The guys over here definitely don’t know how to take “No” for an answer. He’s everywhere! He’s offering me rides on his scooter, he’s offering to carry my bag, he’s paying my tabs, he’s offering me money to help me out of my financial hardship, he’s fantasizing about taking me on trips, he’s bringing me gifts, he’s messaging me on Instagram, he’s living in the hut directly across from me, he’s reading my birth chart, he’s tracking me down when I say I want to be alone. He’s EVERYWHERE! It’s suffocating, smothering, just… ugh. I feel like I’m in the show Heeramandi where I’m the dancing courtesan and he’s just throwing piles of cash at me for his own entertainment. Oh, but they’re “funding the arts,” right? Ugh. It does not feel good. How long will it be before you get bored of me and move onto the next one, right?

What’s really funny is that he told me his family history and they were Hindus living in Pakistan before the Partition. They fled back to India so avoid religious persecution, but he is from an area very close by that region. So, culture on point. Now I understand why Heeramandi is the show Netflix fed to me before I left. I needed to be prepared for the moment I revisted my past life as a taiwaif and encountered a nawab. I’m probably using those terms wrong, by the way. Pakistan is basically people of Indian descent who are Muslim. He is not Muslim. So, Idk. The situation just feels a little too familiar. Past life shit. I don’t need proof that reincarnation is real. I am actively living it right now.

Either way, now I understand Holidate Guy is just the “British Officer Bathroom Encounter” scene in Heeramandi. He looks just like that actor! I laughed so hard during that scene. Thanks for making me feel seen, I guess. Shoutout to the spy going undercover to get the necessary info needed to help the rebellion rise up against their oppressors and overthrow them in a dramatic scene. Shoutout to Bollywood for recognizing the fact that courtesans were the OG James Bond.

He keeps talking to me about marriage and family and I’m just sitting there rolling my eyes. Now he’s saying he’s going to take me on a trip around India after school is over. Sure, Jan. I’m sure you’re *really* gonna take me on a trip, just like Holidate Guy was going to take me to Trivia Night. LOL! I’ll believe it when I see it, which I won’t, because I’ve already played this game a thousand times before and know that all of it is 100% Grade-A certified bullshit.

He keeps saying he’s “not like that” but I looked at his Insta and it’s all gym selfies and pouty baby face thirst trap selfies. I’m sure he has no shortage of messages in his inbox. He is only fascinated by me because he has never seen anyone like me before. They are always fascinated by that at first. It’s like they have discovered a new “species” for the very first time. They want that rare, beautiful, colorful Butterfly hanging up in their collection on the wall. Then they get my pants off and suddenly the fascination isn’t there anymore. It’s all about collecting trophies from their conquests for them. I know this very well. That is why I have grown so tired of men and their long, blabbering speeches and their empty promises. They talk all this talk and then none of it ever materializes. They just want to take your pants off, get that notch on their bedpost so they can brag to all the other men, then toss you out like last week’s trash when they’ve had their fill. Maybe I was a courtesan in my past life, but I am not that character in this life. I don’t know what I am, but I do know that I’m over that lifestyle after living it for a couple of thousand years.

Speaking of past lives, one of mine is coming out in a big way. It was coming out before when I was living in my downtown loft in 2016-2018 and making this website. Those would be the stories about The Emperor, who I thought was a person in my immediate vicinity, but I think now I just had so much creative energy manifesting that I got everything mixed up. As you can see, I will look for any excuse for it to not be that guy. I’m not trying to write the next Baby Reindeer, okay? Clearly, it was all a classic case of mistaken identities due to too much alcohol. That being said, yes, the past life stuff is very interesting. I definitely want to explore it more in meditation. I think there is potential to write a great story with that material. I just need to do way more research about the histories of the Middle East and India so I can really paint a picture.

As for my present life, well, yesterday was pretty mind-blowing. Spent Friday night in my past life cycle. You know, playing the courtesan for this Indian prince, drinking, smoking, flirting, whatever. I came home and just felt so icky and dirty. Hated it. Spent about an hour meditating alone in the shala afterwards. I know my past life all too well, I know I’m caught in the cycle, and now I just want more. I know I was born into this body for a reason. I just don’t know what that reason is. I don’t know if I’m even meant to teach yoga; I’m just grateful to be here for the experience. Anyway, I had three whole mojitos and smoked some hash, so I wasn’t prepared in the morning when I woke up and the theme of the day was “The Warrior.”

In morning Hatha, we did all the warriors. I collapsed twice during practice. I wasn’t prepared. Toal Mulan Moment. Not a coincidence it’s my favourite Disney movie ever, tied only with Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, more like Jerk-u-leez (especially if you read the original myth where he murders his family in a drunken rage and has to go on a quest to find redemption)! Dat gospel soundtrack, tho? Such a banger, ya’ll.

I went back to my hut and promptly slept through the next class, which I never do. Woke up again and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders like I never have before. Ate some breakfast, prepared myself mentally, then returned for Philosophy and History. We learned all about the Bhagavad Gita, which I attempted to read in my early 20’s but could not understand. Now I know why. I finally understood it after years of struggle to understand. I am not the courtesan in this life. I might not even be the guru. I think I am the warrior, actually, which is such a strange thing to feel.

This feeling was reiterated when I took my afternoon beach break and spent the first half reading the “Project 2025” document spreading across women’s forums on reddit right now. Brought ot you by the Heritage Foundation (those fucking fuckers). The whole plan is to not only destroy the rights of women, POC, and LGBTQIA+, and legalize slavery again, but also to carefully dismantle the entire executive branch of the US government and turn it into a fascist dictatorship. This is real. Look it up. It’s so disgusting and disturbing and alarming. I was so upset that I immediately downed 3 Coronas on an empty stomach before I had to go back to school. Insanity.

In that moment, I knew I was destined to be The Warrior in this life. I don’t know how I knew. I just knew. Suddenly, the weight on my shoulders I started the day with was even heavier than before. War is coming. I can’t run away. I have to stay and fight. I have to do something. Not choosing is a choice, and I have spent my entire life letting someone else make my choices for me instead of stepping up to the plate.

I didn’t think I would make it to Ashtanga in the afternoon, but I did, and this time, I was ready. We did all the Warriors again. I kept repeating the Mantra “I am The Warrior.” Somehow, the practice felt easier than yoga ever has. I moved with the flow, I was in the moment. When it got hard, I fought back harder. When I thought the end would never come, I kept pushing through. In the end, I found Victory. I went back to my hut and did my new bucket scrub cleansing ritual to feel whole and purified again. Only then did I return to the shala for meditation. By the end of the day, the weight felt heavier than ever, yet somehow I felt lighter and happier and closer to my tru self than I’ve ever been. I know I am destined for more in this life. I just need to get myself back in alignment so I can finally achieve my true purpose.

Meanwhile, the power has gone out again. Luckily, I got my laptop charged to 40%. Power outages are common here. They happen multiple times a day. I’ve gotten used to it. My laptop has actually been dead all week. Now it’s my iPad I can’t seem to revive. Lol, if it’s not one thing, it’s another, lol. Shows me how overly reliant I’ve become on my devices for entertainment. I’ve been without music or TV for a week and it’s not the worst thing in the world. I’m enjoying the exposure to all the new music they’re playing in the cafes. I love Hindi music, I just don’t get to listen to it very often. Now I know how to set my Spotify algorithm to play what I want to hear.

Some places play American music too. Last night I went to a restaurant that was playing Bob Marley when I walked by. I specifically chose to go there because I want to be anywhere the Bob Marley vibe is. It went into all kinds of reggae after that. The next spot I went to was playing a lot of rap music, so that was fun. We are indeed living in a Gangsta’s Paradise, haha. Nice to have the familiar comforts of home, and by home, I mean Washington, D.C., not that stupid fucking shithole I’ve been held hostage in against my will for the last 15 years. DC doesn’t really feel like home anymore either. I go there, everything is comforting and familiar, I know my way around, I have all my childhood memories, but it’s also empty. I don’t know anyone there anymore. SD definitely isn’t remotely homelike in any way, shape, or form. I don’t have a home anymore. I am homeless. I have no choice but to wander the world aimlessly until I find a new one.

For now, home is a little hut by the beach in Goa. Home is in my heart. I carry it with me wherever I go. I came here for an adventure, to get out of my comfort zone, to try new things and learn new ways of being. That’s what I’m going to do. I will not remain trapped in these same old patterns of feeling bad about myself because other people excluded me from social situations or because these guys just want to use me for my body. This time I will grow from this experience. I won’t let it drag me down. I will show up to class, study the material, kick ass on the exam, and get my YTT certificate. I will leave this experience better than I came, with a new outlook and a new attitude. I will grow where I am planted, for once in my life. That is the lesson I am here to learn.

Today is my day off. What should I do? Obviously, shopping. Definitely laundry. Thinking about exploring this haunted location nearby I found online. I love stuff like that. I don’t care if I have to go alone. They’re the ones missing out on the mysterious ruins of unknown origin. I love shit like that! I just love history, you guys. I don’t understand how anyone can find it boring. There’s so much to learn and explore and uncover. I guess when it comes to the ocean as a metaphor for people, I’m just a deep sea-type of creature. I can’t understand the ones who spend their lives wading in the shallow tide pools. It’s just so… boring. I’d much rather remain a mystery, a legend, a sight few have seen, yet to be discovered by Science, swimming in the ocean free.

Perhaps I will finally achieve Enlightenment in this lifetime. I want it. I long to leave this mortal coil behind and be one with the universe again. Perhaps that is my true purpose for this life. Perhaps not. Either way, I’m all about the Reclining Buddha Vibes. 🙂

Have a good day!

UPDATE: I spent the whole day sitting in this cafe writing and drinking daiquiris. Looks like we’re gonna Hemingway it. Sloppy Papi style. So happy right now, maybe. Whatever happiness can even be when your soul is immortal and has walked this earth a thousand and one times in a thousand and one different forms. Who cares about fitting in when I have a destiny, a purpose, something to achieve in this life? I just don’t belong in those shallow waters. Now I am finally ready to accept it. I am here now. I am finally ready to accept my fate.

AUM

#FreePalestine

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