BLOG: Dat Brain Fog

Wednesday. Feeling kinda foggy and tired this morning. I have things to do around the house but no energy. It’s just a general vibe of feeling drained. I guess it’s been a tough few days. Better to feel emotionally drained with the ability to work from bed than feel hungover and not be able to work at all. I choose the former from now on. At least I know the difference now.

I discovered yesterday that my Google Analytics for this website has been shut off for TWO years. Yes, that’s right. I lost two years of data because of a bout of post-Covid brain fog that prevented me from pressing the “finish set-up” button when they released the new version. Ridiculous. 2020-2023 were not my best years in terms of mental clarity. Were they for anyone? Anyway, lesson learned, robot fixed, wasn’t really publishing that much anyway, no harm down, no meltdown happened, just… oooooooooops. I’m an idiot. What’s funny is that it was fully set up on my other website that I haven’t used yet! But not this one! LOL! Total brain fog moment!

Yeah, that one was definitely on me. I’m to blame for that. See? I *CAN* take responsibility for my actions when I make a mistake. It’s when I try to hold other people accountable for their mistakes that things go wrong…

Speaking of that, I had to laugh yesterday when I realized that none of the crap that has happened to me in life has stopped me from telling my story. None of the negativity, none of the bullying, none of the dumb people, nothing. I’m still sitting here writing my story. They can’t stop me. They won’t stop me. I am invincible! BWA HAHAHA! Now, if only I could actually organize my thoughts properly and be a real writer. Then I would actually be okay in life. Maybe.

Going over my website and analytics yesterday was strange. I’ve been neglecting these things for awhile. Suddenly, they all changed up on me again. Always something new to learn. It didn’t used to bother me so much before I used WordPress, but 2016-2020 was just so frustrating for me. From about 2000-2007, I used to code, I used to do graphic design, I used to do all the shit. I love that shit. I’m good at that shit. I wish someone had told me when I was 15 when I was designing Xanga layouts for my classmates that someday I could make six figures off that shit if I had stuck with it and taken more classes. I got really frustrated in the era 2016-2020 because I was trying to re-learn it but my brain wouldn’t take it in because the gap between what I remembered and what I was looking at was too wide. I kept hitting roadblock after roadblock because that’s just how WP is. It’s just… ugh.

Now, after perusing everything yesterday, I feel like my grasp of it is starting to come back. It seems a lot of the things I was having issues with in the past have been resolved through many updates. There’s way more information out there on all the things I need to know. Plus, my brain can absorb the code back in again because of all the languages I’ve been taking. Code is just another language, after all. Give me a little bit of time with it and I’ll be okay. I used to have so much fun playing around with this stuff. It was my hobby. It feels like I lost all the joy in my hobby because of all the negative feedback and IRL retaliation. Now, it feels like that stuff doesn’t matter anymore. Sorry that a bunch of stupid people are mad. Sounds like it’s not my problem. I’m gonna go back to playing around with my stylesheets and languages now.

Just trying to get my mindset back to “This is my favourite hobby of all time!” when I sit down with my websites. A whole new project awaits. We need a color palette and some graphics and a font and a header and a bunch of stock photos mixed in with my own photos and lots of fun articles that everyone will love. It’s so much fun! No one can ruin this or take it away from you, Betsey! No one is here to ruin your fun! You get to design your digital magazine however the fuck you want. No one is here to arrest you or scream at you or tear you down. It’s your time to shine! Go out and have fun and enjoy yourself again!

Also, no pressure or anything, but you only have two months to find something before your money runs out again! You are running out of time!!! You need to show the world that you deserve an awesome job because we live in a capitalist hellscape that is slowly collapsing inward like a souffle. Just relax and have fun and stop worrying about what a bunch of stupid people think. The Endddd!

I feel like Humpty Dumpty right now. Like I’m trying to put the pieces of my broken brain back together. Like, oh this, this bit goes here, this bit goes there, if we listen to 10 hours of opera and classical a week, it will fuse these bits back together, if we learn 3 languages, these bits will fuse back together, if we start studying coding again, this bit will come back together. If we go down to the bar and bang a local sleazy married guy, all our terrible life choices will flash before our eyes and align like the planets in the sky and open up a whole new world of possibilities. Did you even realize you deserve to be treated like a human being instead of a sex object? Of course not! Well guess what! Now you know better! Go memorize that code and get paid the big bucks so you never have to rely on the kindness of strangers ever again.

Okay, we can do this. We can totally do this. I got this, maybe…

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