BLOG: Sculpt Me Into a Statue of Perfection

Tuesday. Feeling about a thousand times better today after a round of pilates yesterday, a nice long bubble bath with gratuitous amounts of aromatic steam last night, and a very intense hot sculpt class this morning. I am very, very proud of myself for spending yesterday sitting with my garbage feelings, crying a lot, and working them all out physically instead of drinking double bourbon gingers until I pass out. Go me. I am becoming a healthier person already.

Right now I am feeling very… good. I feel great, actually. I didn’t know someone could actually feel like this sober. What a strange experience. Wow. Who knew? It’s brand new for me. I would say the closest to this I’ve felt in life afterwards is right after Sun Dance or coming out of a Sweat Lodge (except that was on a way higher spiritual level than this). Like I just sweat all that horrible, toxic, negativity out of my system and now I feel all clean and sparkly and fresh and renewed. I get to be a new person now. I get to start a whole new life. Yay.

I decided to switch back to Portuguese this week. I decided it was probably a good idea to take a break from the cartel stuff for awhile. I put on “How To Be A Carioca” yesterday while I wrote and worked through a lot of shit. I love that show. It was the perfect thing to put on after last week. Here we have a bunch of stories about hope, love, friendship, family, making connections, building bridges, and doing the right thing when it’s hard. You know, all that cheesy stuff that makes people feel good. The Carioca Way! I love it. Maybe I’ll move to Brazil instead and spend the rest of my life relaxing on a beach listening to great music and eating delicious food. Who knows?

I have reached a very odd crossroads in my life. I feel like in 2016, I sat down to write a book and it turned into a giant mess instead. It wasn’t just one book. It became many books. There was my travel stories, Bloody Mary’s, Andrew (not planned nor expected), the Island of Lost Guys, the Liz’s Revenge stories, and then there was my memoir, which I couldn’t really piece together properly until now. Like only now can I really look back at my life and take stock of where I’ve been and what I’ve done. I can draw a straight line through my life and say, this is how I got to where I am now. It sucks, but it’s okay. We can fix it now!

I don’t think I can ever really fix it. I think all I can really do is take my life experience and write about it. Maybe someone else can learn from this shitshow so they don’t make the same mistakes I have. I just have to get my thoughts organized and find new inspiration and I’ll be okay again. I’m sure of it. As long as I stay far away from men forever, I’ll be good to go.

Okay, lots of very boring, mundane tasks on the agenda today. I guess I’m just sitting here sifting through my website archives dating back to 2016 feeling like I actually know how to start properly organizing them for the first time ever. I just could not get through that pile of stuff for the LONGEST time. That’s why it’s all been on private, that’s why these posts are set to “self-destruct” every couple of days/weeks, that’s what there has been so many long gaps of silence, that’s why nothing has gotten done since the Paris Writing Workshop in 2019, etc. For awhile I was just drunk all the time. Then I was just angry all the time. Then my dad died and I was sad and angry and drunk in alternative phases. Now I’m working out 4-5x a week, working through my emotional dumpster fire with journaling and online group therapy, and feeding my brain things like foreign languages, puzzles, and classical music to stimulate it. It’s getting better. The anger is gone, which is the most amazing, liberating feeling after being angry for so long. It was like a wall I just couldn’t break through no matter how hard I tried. Luckily, grief works in stages, so it was only a matter of time until I got out of that state. I still don’t know when it went away for sure. Maybe around the Holidays. I think that’s when it changed from anger to sadness. I’ve been really, really sad since like November/December-ish. No anger, just sadness. Well, I did get angry one time, but that was about that stupid guy. I don’t care about him anymore. I have bigger fish to fry.

Now, in the last few weeks, I feel my state changing again. The sadness is leaving me. It’s being replaced with that very calm sense of inner peace I have waited sooooooo many years to feel. I have Accepted my life for what it is. It is what it is. This is who and what I am. This is my story. I don’t think I ever thought this would be my story, but this is my story. And honestly, I think it’s got a lot of potential to be a best-selling memoir, SO! At least we have that. And when all else fails, we can always mine the ridiculousness for comedy gold.

Okay, ya’ll. I think I might actually be ready to start creating again. I think I’m getting better. I think I can do it without falling down that hole of hopelessness and despair. Mainly because I won’t be re-traumatizing myself by writing it. I’m above it now. It’s all just another story in a book. I can open and close that book whenever I want. I can buy a new notebook and start a new book. I can do whatever I want. I am free to create again.

I think I will be okay. If only because Ewan McGregor says he wants to play Obi-Wan again and the internet has voted the script need a new writer. My dream is not dead. That could still be me. There’s still a chance I can get paid to write Star Wars fanfiction professionally in this life. Is that a silly dream? Of course it is. But hey, if I can’t prove a lifetime of haters wrong, what other hope is there?

I’m gonna go get a giant takeout salad to shake up now. Have a good day.

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