BLOG: Ups and Downs of the Week

Thursday. Still not feeling great. Definitely feeling better after three rounds of hot yoga. I’ve decided to be in a long-term relationship with my yoga mat mat. An intense round of hot yoga never fails to satisfy the mind, body, and soul, unlike a round of sex with a man, which usually ends with feelings of disappointment, frustration, and disgust that I just wasted ten whole minutes of valuable time I could have used to do my taxes instead. Exasperated Sigh.

Single All The Way, indeed.

This week was weird. Monday was really great because I did everything on my To Do List and felt super accomplished. Tuesday was not so great because I was once again faced with the emotional dumpster fire pile blocking me from moving forward in life. That was pretty frustrating, so I spent like 3 hours sifting through my various mental health support groups searching for actionable advice. Then I took out my ParisInSD project, wrote down all the negative thoughts I have swirling around in my head about it, and rewrote them to be positive. It did make me feel a little bit better, I guess. Yet I’m obviously not writing yet, so…

Currently watching Griselda on Netflix. Don’t worry, I’m planning to read up on her real life when I’m done. I wanted to see Sofia Vergara slay on screen, and she does. I will also watch anything based on badass women in history, or anything with women leads in general. I almost never watch TV shows or movies with male leads anymore. So refreshing! I don’t have to! I have SO MANY options to choose from! YAY! So now I feel like about to go down a rabbit hole of Latin American Badass Boss B.I.T.C.H.’s (Babe In Total Control of Herself) Thinking of watching Monarca next, which is fiction but focuses on a woman vying for control of her family’s tequila empire in Mexico. Sounds thrilling. Sign me up for all the cartel vibes. I’m ready. I’m over the cults. Let’s move onto cartels. We’re at that stage of unemployment right now, lol.

There’s a quote from Griselda from one of the male drug lords that goes something like, “I knew a woman like that once. Always stirring shit up. At first you think, she’s just a woman. What harm can she possibly do? But whenever something goes wrong, she’s always there. She just keeps showing up, everywhere you turn. Before you know it, she’s stirring your shit up too.” That’s not exactly it, but I can’t be bothered to spend time looking it up right now. Either way, doesn’t that remind you of someone you know? Someone like… me? Haha, Idk it made me laugh because that’s always how people (especially men) are talking about me. Quite a compliment, I guess. I’m choosing to take it as such now after watching this series.

Really I spend most of my time thinking, “If the writers of the show had this much to work with from her real life, what did they leave out or change? Can’t wait to look that up!” That is something I enjoy doing when I’m watch a new show about a historical person/place/event of interest. I always take the time to look up the subject afterward and do an extensive amount of research to understand how they came to conclusions they did regarding script choices. As a writer who takes most of her influence from history, real life events, and nonfiction things in general, I am always curious how and why writers make the choices they do when adapting history into a TV show or movie. Call it a pet hobby of mine. It’s something that keeps my brain from rotting while I spend long stretches of time unemployed. Same reason I’m learning three other languages. Keeps the juices flowing.

Obviously switched from French to Spanish this week. I haven’t done Spanish in awhile so it’s good to watch a couple TV shows in a row to keep it fresh. It’s kinda been taking a siesta in the background in favor of French and Portuguese. I try to keep all three on a steady rotation. I’ve realized I still struggle to speak/express myself simply because I don’t have any practice, but my comprehension for all three is way up. Pretty confident if someone dropped me in a French/Portuguese/Spanish-speaking country tomorrow, I’d get by just fine. The first few days are always hard when you’re in a new place, but it gets significantly easier once you’re immersed and using it all the time. It is my goal to travel internationally again at some point. Real life and practicality just keep getting in the way.

Life. So many things I want to do, so little time.

Someone mentioned to me recently that they noticed I hadn’t mentioned Bloody Mary’s in awhile. I was stunned. Holy crap. They’re right! I got so caught up in Holidate-Gate that I completely forgot that place existed! So refreshing. I can’t help but think there was a secret place in my primitive lizard brain that was like, “If you nail this guy tonight, you’re never gonna have to worry about any of that dumb crap ever again.” And guess what? The lizard brain was right. Free at last, free at last!

Well, not really. I just moved on to an entirely new problem of my own creation. But it’s like… okay, that happened, I’ve put some very comfortable distance between my past, present, and future selves, now I can just worry about all my own future projects without giving any kind of shit about what anyone thinks. Look at me! I’m officially a Bad Person! Now everyone knows it! Now I can do whatever I want and never worry what anyone thinks again because I’m not trying to hide anything anymore! Yay! Time to start over fresh!

I’m not actually a bad person. I just do wild, rebellious, crazy things when I feel the world closing in around me. Like that time I decided to experiment with various types of drugs when I came back from Paris. Or that time I went on a White Claw Bender when I came back from Montana and got arrested at Bloody Mary’s when I was sitting on the stairs blacked-out drunk, writing in my notebook. Or that time I banged a old married man. Or that other time I banged a different old married man. Turns out none of those things were actually fun or enjoyable, which is why I ultimately returned to Netflix and my yoga mat to find inner peace.

What have I learned from these experiences? Sometimes bad choices are just bad choices. Sometimes they’re trauma responses to things you aren’t even aware you’re experiencing until a professional therapist confirms it several years later. Not everything is a “story.” In fact, the main reason I even write “stories” in the first place is to deal with all the trauma I’ve spent my life building with compound interest on top. Who am I really underneath all of these “stories”? Who am I without my parents controlling everything in my life? Who am I without my dad constantly telling me that I am a writer and that is who I am supposed to be according to destiny and I can’t be anything else ever so I shouldn’t even try? Who am I without my mother standing there picking apart my looks, my body, my clothes, my words, my life? Who am I without my Island of Lost Guys? Without my blogs? Without my clothes? Without the booze?Without all the things I use to shield myself from the world around me? Without my suit of armour that I hide under?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

And that’s probably why I’m having such a hard time both creating and finding a job right now. I have no idea who I am or what I should do or where I should go. I am nothing. I am no one. I am a blank page upon which words and images refuse to manifest. Just an empty piece of paper, soaking up the booze that got spilled on the bartop counter, slowly but surely dissolving into nothing…

So depressing, I know. I could do so much better with my writing. Ugh, speaking of which, did anyone else read that dumb viral article about “marrying older men” that was about a 27-year-old marrying a 30-something guy? LOL!!!!! I laughed so hard. I was like, “Girl, my last three ‘gentleman callers’ were all 20-30 years older than me. You don’t know shit about dating older men.” Dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Especially the line about all her fertile eggs. Who the fuck speaks like that? Here I’ve been sitting feeling bad about myself because I didn’t go to Harvard like my dad, and then I read this ridiculous article from a Harvard grad and I’m just like, “Wow. So this is the level of talent an Ivy League Education buys you? PATHETIC!” They need to get me to write that article. I know ALL about dating older men. I got bored with guys my own age a decade ago. So yeah, bring it on! Everyone knows I’m ridiculous. Give me a chance to stand up on a stage in the spotlight and make a series of jokes about it! I’ll be so great. I’m the next Mrs. Maisel over here, but with significantly less hats.

Ridiculous.

What am I doing with my life? I have no idea. Wahhhhhh! I have to go let my cat out now or he will murder me in my sleep. Have a good weekend, if you celebrate this weirdo Holiday, which I personally don’t. The eggs, bunnies, and chocolate I can get behind. The “Jesus Rising From the Dead on a Different Day Every Year Depending on the Seasons,” not so much. I do Passover, both because it just *feels* right in my soul, and it actually makes sense.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. I am extremely Pro-Chocolate regardless of my spiritual beliefs and chosen holiday celebrations. Bring me the nearest basket of Kinder Eggs and I’ll be good to go.

Have a good one, ya’ll.

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