BLOG: Red Beans and Rice, Y’all

Made it to Thursday. Officially Mardi Gras’d out, ya’ll. I spent most of yesterday in bed with a hangover, a to-geaux Bloody Mary in a plastic cup, and a gigantic plate of homemade Red Beans and Rice that I made all by myself for Lundi Gras. So delicious! It’s even better after it sits for a day. O.M.G. I can’t believe I made this, ya’ll! Crazy! Officially my new weekly comfort dish. Add it into the routine. Put the pot on the stove and catch up on the laundry while it’s cooking. Perfect. Exactly what I needed after a solid week of binge-watching the NOLA.com parade cam.

Starting my little kitchen herb garden was one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. I feel like I can officially cross, “Take a Cajun & Creole cooking class” off my bucket list. It hasn’t been a formal class, but I have learned the secrets of the seasoning. That’s all I needed to know. Proud of myself. Feeling accomplished. I can grow my own food and cook it for myself. Okay, so it’s just herbs, but still. Have you ever tasted bland food? It’s not even worth eating. My food used to be like that. That’s why I was so addicted to takeout. Now I’m learning to make my takeout and it tastes even better. That’s an accomplishment. I’m proud of that. I’m gonna go ahead and give myself a pat on the back. Go me.

You did well, Betsey. No one ever gives you the credit your deserve for anything you do in life, but you deserve some acknowledgment for this one. You did well.

New mantra. Going to start saying that to myself daily to combat the constant negativity I am surrounded by. Hopefully it works out! It’s been easier to shut it out since I started my new workout routine. You know how many of those people I run into at the gym? That’s right: zero. No surprise there! Really says it all without saying much at all. I really hate to be That Person, but there is a very real sense of evolutionary superiority that comes with working out on a regular basis. That’s why the GTL’s are always so douchey. They know they can fight off a sabre-tooth tiger or whatever if one comes along. It’s a thing. You think I felt superior to anyone last night when I had to skip my favourite class of the week because of a hangover? No. But it’s Mardi Gras, and therefore a holiday, so it’s forgiven. That being said, I don’t want it to become a regular thing. I want to go workout. It feels good. Feels better than getting drunk and making bad choices that I kind of regret later.

This is the part of the blog post where we cue up Bouncin’ Back by Mystikal and the montage of scenes of Betsey getting her shit together plays across the screen. See how it feels like I’m not even living my own life sometimes? It’s not even real. It’s just a movie and I’m watching it pass me by on the screen. I’m trapped in my own mind with no escape. The horror, the horror!

Back to the regularly-scheduled routine now that the holiday has passed. Life is about to become very boring, but I’m looking forward to it. My only job now is finding a job. Writing blog posts, job hunting, cooking, cleaning, gardening, and going to the gym. That’s my goal. No bars, no menz, no troubles, no regrets, and especially the part about no menz. Over it. I need to focus on me, myself, and I. I cannot have any of them around draining my energy from me.

I mean, you know, I don’t really feel great about what happened over the holidays with that one guy, but there is something good that came out of it: Andrew finally shut the fuck up! I’ve actually started writing articles again, which I haven’t been able to do in a very long time. He is not there blocking my way anymore. It’s very exciting. I’ve been working towards this moment for years. This character is very annoying to me. Yes, he inspires, but most of the time he just straight-up gets in the way. Now he’s finally gone quiet. It’s very refreshing. Time to be serious and get some real work done.

Meh. It wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened, honestly. It motivated me to get the train back on the track. Sometimes you do something stupid and it ends with you going to the gym 4x a week. It’s not the worst thing ever. I guess I feel sorry for him, in a way. He’s trapped in a prison of his own making, literally and metaphorically. Meanwhile, I’m free as a bird. I don’t have to let him trap me in that cage with him. I can fly away. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m flying away. Now, if only I could get myself out of my own mental cage. I’ll be golden!

Speaking of mental cages, yesterday passed without any incident. I stopped for a minute to wonder when Valentine’s Day stopped being so triggering. I realized it had been so many years at this point. I couldn’t even remember the specifics anymore. Just some very generalized jerk behavior. Really nothing to get that hung up over, in hindsight. I think it really just shows that I was not being taught healthy coping skills or how to navigate relationships at all. Then I look at my parents (especially my mom) and I’m like, “Oh, that’s why.” Thank god I got to be part of the Female Dating Strategy subreddit when it was active. I learned so much on there. It was truly one of the most valuable sources of information for women on the internet. I’m still depressed to see it go down the drain. Sigh. There really is a conspiracy to stop women from coming together to communicate.

Otherwise, pretty much just sticking to myself and minding my own business. I just want to get my life back on track. Get back to work, save money, go back to school, get the fuck out of this toxic waste pit of a town. Et cetera, et cetera. I don’t want to get involved with anyone else’s crazy drama. I just want to be an adult. Please just let me be an adult. Okay, Universe? Can I finally have that now, please? Will you finally let me?

I know, it is so passive for me tot speak to my higher power that way. Gotta grab the bull by the horns and take charge of my own life and all that. Yeah, right, I see what you’re saying, but you also need to understand why I struggle to do that as a person who has had my biggest life choices made for me by very controlling parents. I’m still learning how to choose things for myself. Screaming at me, lecturing me, and ranting about “playing the victim” are extremely unhelpful in this scenario. No one, ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN NO ONE, wants to sit there and listen to someone attack them when they’re going through a hard time. I’m so tired of people feeling entitled to attack me thinking that they’re being helpful. NEWS FLASH: I didn’t ask you. I literally did not ask you for life advice at all. You are not a professional. You do not have a degree. You are a random stranger at the bar shouting at me, or an anonymous person angrily typing up a nasty comment to leave on my blog, or a teenager trying to dispense bad advice they found on TikTok instead of just shutting the fuck up and making the fucking coffee. Do you understand now why I do not listen to people like you or take you seriously? Well, do you? Are you going to stop now? No? Then please know that I hit the mute button when you start on these rants and wait until you’re offscreen to continue watching the show. Thank you and have a nice day.

Glad we cleared that up. Get ready for the clapback in the comments proving my point. It’ll be just like that time I wrote an article about how it’s not okay to sing little songs about getting girls too drunk to say no and all these men responded by threatening to rape and kill me. Way to prove my point! You’re garbage! Thanks for serving me up the evidence on a silver platter. You showed me who you are and I believe you. Now leave me the fuck alone.

Time to get back into positive work mode. Just started watching Ugly Betty for the first time. Need a little bit of workplace inspo to motivate me. Too bad I can’t go work at a magazine for a living because the print industry is dead. Alas. Still helpful to see examples of different workplaces on TV. Anything that isn’t the back room of a bar or coffee shop or restaurant. At least these characters have to get creative with their scheming and back-stabbing and sociopathic ladder-climbing. They usually have an actual end goal in mind, which is acquiring a position of power. Out here it feels like people just do it to be mean. Like they’re forced to wear this fake plastic mask all day long, so every chance they get to be horrible is a purely joyful experience for them. It’s… very sinister. It’s starting to give me Purge vibes. I’ve never watched any of those movies, but I might be motivated to now so I can understand how other people operate. I just don’t get the desire for endless chaos.

Speaking of weird, creepy, Purge-y cult people, I’m still having this weird issue with this total and complete stranger in town. All I know about her is that she worked at Bloody Mary’s a million years ago, so we’ve clearly already been set-up for failure on this one. For whatever reason, anytime I see her, she physically freaks out. Like her face literally melts off. She will stop whatever she is doing and just STARE at me like I’m the exciting new Panda cub the zoo just imported from China and she’s never, ever seen a real Panda in her life before, especially not a baby one! Sometimes she’ll like… run away? Like start power-walking towards Bloody Mary’s and start banging on the door to be let in so she can get to safety. It’s so bizarre! I have no idea who the fuck she even is! It’s honestly just so crazy to see happen in real time. Like, gurl, I’m just going to pay my utility bill like normal people do. Who are you? What do you even do? Why do you think I would take time out of my day to track you down and come see you? Are you delusional? What the fuck were you told about me that makes you freak out when you see me? I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE! I ONLY KNOW YOU AS THE CRAZY FACE MELT LADY! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!

Literally, every time I see her now, I just think to myself, “This is exactly why I say this place is a cult. You’re all officially weirding me the fuck out at this point. It’s getting a little intense. Oh well, at least now I understand how and why I got sucked into this place. It’s a cult. It’s literally, actually a cult! These people are brainwashed! It’s a cult, he’s their leader, and I am the escapee who is now being harassed and gang-stalked for sharing my story on TV and exposing their lies to the world. Next stop: Witness Protection Program.”

It just happened to me again the other day. And she’s not the only one who does it, btw. She’s just the one who stands out the most to me because her reaction to seeing me is very obvious and very physical. Anyone who has been hanging around there for years does it. They literally stop dead in their tracks when they see me and proceed to stare at me in silent horror as if the wax is literally melting off their face. But none of them will ever speak to me or say anything at all. So now the question I’m starting to ask myself is, “How much was my alleged source of inspiration actually obsessing over me? Was he literally telling every random person off the street who walked by? Was he doing dramatic readings aloud? Was he making up his own stories to add to this book that he thinks he can write better? Why doesn’t he just write his own book? I wanna see what he’s saying about me in there because I am getting the weirdest looks ever!”

Just kidding. More like, Next Stop: Paris. Or Brazil. Or maybe even all the way around East Africa. Guess we’ll find out. Anywhere is going to be better than here. Especially if there’s a beach and pineapples and coconuts involved. Gotta write that book and make some money off it so I can finally relax and be free, lol.

Alrighty, off to continue my day with language lessons, workplace comedies, intense workouts in heated rooms, leftovers, and job hunting. Mantra of the Day: I am Open to Receiving (especially money and job offers). So open to receiving. I’m so open to receiving, you can just go ahead and put some cash in an envelope right now and slide it under my door. So ready to receive the gift of financial stability that comes with finding a job in a non-toxic workplace where they aren’t constantly trying to run you out because you didn’t smile enough after your dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, lol. Fuck you again, Starbucks! I’ll never stop telling people what a terrible company you are to work for. #ResponsibleJournalism

Off for reals now. Ciao!

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