BLOG: Day 4/7

Thursday. Not quite on the schedule I made for myself today due to another night of restless sleep, so I moved some things around in an attempt to make it work somehow. Skipped the workout this morning and just rescheduled it for tonight, for example. Spent the morning sleeping. Tried to be productive when I was awake last night by reviewing LinkedIn strategies. Now trying to motivate myself to go to my third space as I planned to try to get some job hunting done.

Last night was the first night I’ve sat down to watch the Mardi Gras parade livestream in NOLA. Loves it! It’s so much fun to hang out with the reporters on the balcony and watch them answer questions from the chat. I have not watched the livestream on an actual TV before, so it had an extra effect of feeling like you’re actually sitting there on the balcony watching it live. So fun! So much better than actually going out and talking to people. I miss the internet during Covid when everyone was online and I could just live in virtual reality world all the time. Alas. I guess I’ll have to settle for the occasional livestream.

Planning to stay in and watch the parades every night for the next few days. Best escape ever. Can’t wait to see the USD Marching Band on there! Twice! So cool! I can’t believe nobody in this town seems to give enough of a shit. If I was running a business, I’d be playing that livestream on TV and offering a Carnival-themed special menu. That’s one of the things I dislike about living here. Nobody ever wants to have fun, there’s no culture, and no one even bothers to make an attempt to do anything. It’s just sit around and talk shit and drag everyone down who wants to try something different. Snooze. Get me outta here. Ugh. Every day I ask myself how I got stuck in this literal worm hole in space and time. I have no idea. I want out so bad.

So tired right now. Where is my energy this week? I have no idea. At least I am sticking to my routine even though I am exhausted and depressed. That’s the goal of the week: get into the routine first, then productivity will naturally follow later. At least the weather is warmish, even if the sky is that horrible February grey that only motivates one to stay in bed forever.

I have noticed that I’ve worked through a lot of the difficult emotions surrounding my father’s death and my ridiculous family dynamics. Feels like I’ve finally, FINALLY reached a place of calm acceptance with that. I’ve heard some stuff about my mom through my sister that just makes me shake my head and sigh. I knew the problem there was never really me. Now I am finally free from her clutches. She can’t dig her claws into me. She can’t hold me hostage. She can’t sabotage me. She can’t even reach me. She can’t talk to me. She can’t hurt me. Not anymore. My sister asked if I was planning to move to that state to be near to them. Absolutely not. At first I was still thinking about going back to DC, but then I realized that for me, the only dream that I have ever had in my life is to live, work, and study in Paris, France. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna live my dream. I’m finally putting an ocean between my mother and myself and going to live my best life free from her interference. I am Free! <3

I guess I should use all that energy I just conjured thinking about living my dream to motivate myself to job hunt. Even if it’s just taking that step of getting out of bed. It leads to the next steps of taking a shower, choosing a professional outfit, doing my hair and makeup, packing up my bag, driving to the third space, ordering a non-alcoholic beverage, sitting on my laptop, working through my insane anxiety as I scroll through LinkedIn. Oh look, before I know it, the afternoon has passed me be. It’s time to workout. It’s time to watch the parades. I stuck to my routine today. And now I get to reward myself with Mardi Gras fun that I feel good about. Hurray!

I guess I have to go do that now. Ugh. Just remember, self: I am a Dragon!

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