Tuesday. Day 2 of my Weekly Routine attempt. So far it’s going well. I’m taking note of where I’m running into issues. For example, I did not accomplish ALL of my cleaning tasks yesterday, so I will probably have to split them up into two later. I did not sleep as well as anticipated last night, which lead to me feeling extremely tired today. The early morning workout did not help. However, I made it to both the workout and to the first test “third place” on my list for the week. So far, I like the vibe. And by that, I mean I’m the only person in here at the moment. Perfect. No distractions. Seems like it could be promising, especially given the fact there is an Evil Eye hanging on the wall. How very refreshing to see. I already feel safe at home.
Though it is a victory that I’ve already made it here, I cannot rest on these laurels long. Now I actually have to do something productive, whether it’s write an article or bum around on LinkedIn trying to find a job. Oh, how I despise LinkedIn, but I’m balancing it out with enough self-esteem building exercises to blow sunshine out your ass, so I’ve gotten used to it. Just gotta play the game. It’s taken me a long time to figure out what that game is, and I still have no idea how to play it, but the point is that I’m working on it. I just try to remember how many ridiculous people I know have steady, full-time employment and try to imagine how they got where they were. I don’t really like the answer, but clearly I need to channel my full inner Dragon energy if I’m going to survive in this post-apocalyptic capitalist hellscape. It is what it is.
What I’m noticing is that regardless of the routine I use to get here, I keep getting stuck in the same mental headspace. That space is just… blank. Nothing at all. This makes no sense. Why is it I can stand in front of a stranger and talk at them for three hours about random subjects, yet when I sit down to write, it comes out like this? Well, I suppose something IS better than nothing, but the something sure looks like a pile of crap to me. Alas. Perhaps it will inspire some random passerby. “If Betsey can pull herself out of her depression nest in the middle of the cold, dark, lonely South Dakota winter to go work out, dress up, and stare at LinkedIn for an hour at a coffee shop, so can I.” I guess it really is my goal at the end of the day to help others with that. I guess I just have it in my head that I have to be some Perfect Instagram Influencer Type before I start dispensing life advice. As we all know a little too well, I am not THAT. At all. I am messy and flawed and just out here trying the best I can. Maybe some people find that a little easier to relate to than an impossibly filtered perfect picture. This is what I tell myself to get through moments like this.
Most of the time, I just sit here staring out the window into space, wondering what’s wrong with my brain that I do all this crazy planning on paper and then just can’t seem to take it any further. It’s just like… blocked. There’s something that is blocked. And the frustrating thing is, no matter how many routines or schedules or plans or whatever I put myself on, nothing fixes it. Like… what is going on here? There is so much inside my brain. Why does it feel like it’s stopped working when I need to be working? Why did it keep me awake all night with flashbacks from Starbucks but refuses to spit out a coherent article when I sit down to write? Ugh. Hates it.
Don’t worry, I am definitely NOT sitting at a Starbucks right now. I stopped supporting them. Just the idea of ever drinking their coffee or supporting their business in any way ever again makes me feel physically ill. And oh, look at that, there’s yet another huge story in the news about how fucked up their business practices are. Wow! Surprise ending! #HatesThem! I never thought I’d ever say that, but here we are now. Maybe people can change after all. You know it was bad when someone as emotional as me sends one of their comfort blankets they’ve been using for well over two decades up in smoke.
Also not at a bar. Obviously. Well, maybe not so obviously. Usually at this time of day, I would be sitting in a restaurant with a bar eavesdropping on people. That has gotten SO old lately though, ugh. I just can’t listen to the Talk of the Townie anymore. Also, just trying to drop as many “bar times” from my schedule as possible after my somewhat embarrassing run-in with Mr. Levi Gene. Talk about a rock bottom moment. Ick. Anyway, glad it happened because now I am extremely motivated to stay away from bars, as well as just get out of this town in general. I know, I say that all the time, but this one was so ridiculous that it kinda sent me over that edge I was already teetering on. So yeah, here we are now. Go me, I guess? Hurray for not being afraid to be the Anti-Influencer. Don’t actually be anything like me, just follow my collection of tips and tricks to be the better person I, too, aspire to be. It’s a collective effort to be a better person.
Can’t believe I haven’t even been here an hour yet. Why am I like this? I guess the point is to get here and get into the routine. One it becomes a routine, then perhaps the inspiration to work will come? I don’t know. I just feel like… I have no idea what I’m even doing right now. Yet somehow I remain better dressed than 90% of the people I encounter here. So, there you have it. At least I’m doing something right.
Time to go stare at LinkedIn. I found it really helps not to look at the main feed. It literally just feels like a Circle Jerk-type of situation and I just can’t take it. I just look at the postings instead. I know I’m supposed to be “reaching out” to “people in my network” but literally nobody on there looks or feels like a real human being. It’s just soooooooo icky. I can’t stand it. I guess I need to use my desire to stay away from it as fuel to motivate me to get it over and done with as soon as possible. It doesn’t really help that people in my network have traditionally been extremely closed-off, cliquey, catty, backstabby, and gossipy, so… yeah. I’m starting to prefer the idea of reaching out to total strangers at this point. At least if they never respond, it doesn’t feel like they were ever really there in the first place. I guess that’s a good way to look at it.
As you can see, I am using as many coping mechanisms as possible to put myself back into a healthy mindset and routine so I can leave this place behind forever and actually turn it into real literature. I need to go be a real person and live a real life.
Okay, stopping this post for real now. Wish me luck.