BLOG: Space Monkey

Here we are, back in Verm, staring at the pile of clothes and boxes I’m packing up and getting ready to move. Everything has changed since my last blog post. Things will keep changing for awhile. That’s just how it is right now. I’m not resisting it. I’m just going with the flow. That means overcoming my anxiety about becoming homeless and moving into a brand new apartment!

Where am I moving? Just back into town, for now. I’m living with my brother while he finishes school. We decided it was for the best given the fact that we were both living at home when dad died. I’m not exactly thrilled, but I will say that I scored an amazing apartment with a balcony in February (worst time of year to househunt in a university town), so it’s not that bad. It’s actually a pretty nice apartment for Verm. Looks like quite a few landlords were forced into fixing up their properties after the new student apartments came to town. I’m not complaining. I’ve got LAUNDRY!

Work is still going well. I love the fact that I can do marathon sprints of work, work, work, then take 4-5 days off at a time. I’m also making great money, I have health insurance, and I’m even setting aside money in a 401K. Hashtag, adulting! I am physically exhausted pretty much all the time, but damn did it feel good to lay down a deposit on a new apartment without having to worry about it or ask anyone for help. That’s been my #1 goal for the last 6 months. It’s not where I want to be at all, but it’s okay for now.

It also felt great to just take off for a couple of days to Denver. That was fun. Sort of. I was actually really, really, really sad for most of the trip. I spent a lot of time sitting on the balcony wrapped in a blanket, staring out at the cityscape and just feeling my feelings. I ordered a lot of DoorDash. I didn’t get a lot of writing done. I journaled about my feelings quite a bit. I reflected on the progress I’ve made in the last few years and made new goals for the future. I was having crazy amounts of anxiety about becoming homeless on top of it, which I faced down as I wandered around the city in the falling snow and passed tent after tent. I just kept looking at them like, “It’s not going to happen to me. It’s not going to happen to me.” Lo and behold, I was signing a new lease within a week of returning from my trip. So, I got that taken care of, for now. It’s not going to happen to me! For now…

I hope to start writing again once I get all moved into the new place. It’s happening gradually right now because, well, it’s the middle of winter in South Dakota. There’s a foot of snow on the ground and the driveway is an ice skating rink. Pretty sure it’s actually warmer in Russia most of the time. It’s not exactly ideal. But I’m working on it, one car load of boxes at a time.

It feels like it should be an easier task than it is given the fact that I’ve moved at least a dozen times in the last decade and a half, but instead it’s weighing on me emotionally. I guess it’s because I’ve always come back to this house after every adventure. It’s been Home Base for 14 years. Now it’s going to be gone forever. It’s odd because I want to get out of this house. It’s haunted AF. I’ve never liked it. It’s just weird knowing I’m packing these boxes and moving out for the last time. No more Home Base. No more safety net. I’m on my own now. It’s scary AF. The last few days I’ve been getting overwhelmed with anxiety any time I try to tackle the packing issue. I end up sitting there frozen in fear. Not a great feeling! Oh well. This time had to come eventually…

I’m also not looking forward to living in Verm for ANOTHER year. Ugh! WHY does this town keep sucking me in? I’m so over it. I want to live somewhere I can feel like part of the community. Here it’s just like… crabs in a bucket, all the time, over every little fucking thing. I’m so over it. Some of these people… it’s just like… seriously? There’s no winning with them. First I was a bad person because I was unemployed and living at home, now I’m a bad person because I have a corporate job with crazy good benefits. Really!

Oh, and then there was the Snapchat issue a few weeks ago. My brother’s old roommate, who has been in my family’s house many times and even received financial help from us, decided to respond to a Snapchat I posted talking about my feelings about MY grief about MY father’s death with a nasty text saying I was “making my father’s death about me.” REALLY! Like, wow, person who we have done nothing but show kindness to and be supportive of for over a decade, tell us how you really feel, you little fucking mooch. So I ask, “What do you mean by that?” No response. For days and days and days. Kept asking. Gave him a chance to respond, speak his mind, and elaborate on his shitty comment while I was open to LiStEnInG. Did this little shithead respond? Of course not! So naturally I told him how I feel about his disgusting behavior and then I blocked him on everything. I’m so tired of these idiots trying to police what I post about MY life on MY website and MY social media. Like, if you don’t want to hear about ME and MY life, stop obsessively creeping on my social media stories. It’s really that simple. Don’t come after me for talking about my feelings about my dad’s death. Especially when you’ve taken charity from my fucking family before.

Yeah, that was the flip that finally made me realize what a bunch of assholes these people really are. Like, wow, you really will attack anyone for anything, won’t you? You really just want to drag people down to your level of misery, don’t you? You really are just the type of person that no one should ever listen to for any reason, aren’t you? Wow. Just wow. I really have absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and I never will. You are the epitome of trash. Please know that’s exactly what I’m thinking every time I am cursed with the unfortunate luck of having any sort of encounter with any of you. You make me physically sick to my stomach. Good luck being a jerk.

Then I decided… why get mad when I can just dig up some questionable information on this person, splash it all over my blog, and laugh at them as revenge? So I did exactly that. I did a little digging and I found out this person allegedly does meth. LOL! Guess that explains why they’re always broke even though all they ever do is work for horribly abusive people who exploit them every chance they get. A little birdie also told me this guy actually prostitutes himself for said meth, which makes the entire situation even more hilarious. So wait, first you dropped out of college and now you’re allegedly out there trading sex for hard drugs? And you’re actually trying to come for me over a post I made about my feelings about my father’s death? L O FUCKING L! That’s hilarious! Literally fucking hilarious. AND you’re accusing me of not listening to you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not listening to you about WHAT? Should I be taking your sage life advice about how to be complicit in your own exploitation because you have ragingly low self-esteem? Wow, look at Mr. Self-Help over here giving out practical everyday life advice. Stay tuned for their wave of Facebook memes about rising up against The System of Oppression that totally keeps them down, man. You too can remain trapped in a cycle of abuse, addiction, and poverty if you stop making everything about you and just LiStEn to jerks just like him freely fling verbal abuse at you for expressing yourself in a public forum!

Disclaimer: I have no idea if this rumor is true or not. It’s just the first thing I was told when I started asking questions about this individual, who shall remain unnamed to avoid legal problems. I would feel bad about writing this, but I don’t. Especially after being forced to listen to absolutely outrageous, slanderous lies about myself coming from these people. Who cares at this point? I’m just bringing this up to point out the fact that there’s a reason I’m not listening to any of these crazyass fucking small town people. It’s a hard lesson to learn as a Big City East Coaster, but I’m finally starting to understand how this whole Fake Midwest Small Town Nice thing works. It’s definitely not something I have any respect for whatsoever, but at least I get it now.

Yep, so I’ve had quite enough of that. Eyes on the Prize from here on out. Go to work, make money, come home, watch TV, write. Do all the self-care routines. Take walks on beautiful days, do yoga, meditate, dance on the balcony. Learn to cook. Hang out with my cat. Practice foreign languages. Read, read, and read some more. Journal. Color. Paint. Draw. Write some more. Take more classes, attend more workshops, join more online hobby communities. Use less social media. Basically just wake up every day and be the best version of myself that I can be. It’s only once I’m healthy that I can use my talents to give back to the world via the written word.

Where will the world take me in the future? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see. For now, I’m okay with drifting along through this transitory phase of my life. Time for me to go get ready for work now. I feel so much better after writing all of that, lol. I feel like I can really move forward with my life now. I hope you all have a lovely day.

One thought on “BLOG: Space Monkey

  1. I’ve been quietly following your journey for years. Regardless of your ups, downs, pains, or joys… you are unabashedly you. There’s peace in that, a calm storm of discomfort and pain… but so much peace. I’ve always admired it… I do not doubt you will achieve all you set out to accomplish. I pray you will continue to operate within that peace that is you.

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