How am I today?
Well, let’s see.
Tired. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Also completely disillusioned with the reality of the world I live in. I’m really tired of men getting to do whatever they fuck they want and having meltdowns when they get called out. I’m tired of stupid, ignorant, misogynists who defend these assholes. It’s like… I go out all the time and talk to people. I’ve traveled solo all over the US and twice abroad. I lived in a foreign country short-term. I know what people are like. I know what men are like. Most of them I’m indifferent to. Most of the time, they don’t bother me. But when someone does, you’re gonna know about it because I believe in protecting other women from predators. Radical idea, I know! Oh but I can’t say that because all men are just innocent little victims of these lying sluts who are just making it up for attention. Yeah, whatever. Take that trash attitude back to the last century where it belongs.
I’m sick of living in a place where people openly disrespect me because I wrote a book and started a blog like that’s bad because smart people doing smart, creative things are bad. Everyone here is a two-faced, lying backstabber. They’re always there with their knives, ready, waiting, pouncing on the first opportunity they have to to be nasty to someone. It’s exhausting. It’s like some of these people never aged past thirteen. It’s not normal. It’s not right. In fact, I just think it’s really sad. I cannot personally imagine living my entire life in a teeny tiny little box where I judge everyone who isn’t exactly like me, but I also have an unusually high amount of empathy because I’ve been bullied by snakes like this my entire life. I don’t have the luxury of treating every single new person I meet like an outsider who must be ostracized.
Is South Dakota The Worst Place in the World? It might be. I haven’t traveled abroad as extensively as I hope to someday, but yeah, I’m pretty sure this place is at the top of the list of Biggest Shitholes in the World. Yeah, so they’ve got great sunsets. So what? What else is there? Because let me tell you something: these people are not it. They are so weird and scared of anything new or different. I literally cannot put myself in their shoes to try to understand it. I don’t want to. I can’t imagine living my life like that. It must be such a small, sad little world to live in. Definitely not for me. Show me a person who doesn’t fit this generalization and I will show you a unicorn. All the people who see the world as the bigger place full of excitement that it is get their asses out and leave. Why? Because they grew up in that environment and they know that close-minded attitude is trash.
I feel like I’m out of touch with myself and my creativity. I feel like I’m toiling away for nothing. I feel like I have so many passions, talents, and abilities that are all going to waste. I feel like I have so much to contribute and no where to go with it. I am literally blocked from doing anything around here because I might get my notebook out and write about it. Oh no, anything but that! Anything but a writer writing her stories! She might tell the truth about what corrupt, ignorant garbage we are and change all the names. So scary! Boo hoo, wah wah wah. Whine whine whine.
All they ever do is bitch my blog about like they aren’t all collecting screenshots and starting drama and constantly tearing people down behind their backs for fun. It’s disgusting. Listen, if you don’t want people writing about what immature assholes you are, then don’t act like that. Duh! It’s all on you, fam. It all comes back to you. Stop blaming me for writing down what I observe in my immediate environment and get your own house in order.
What I’m doing is not crazy. It’s not unusual. It’s not even that weird! So many famous writers whose books you didn’t read in school wrote stuff based on the town they live in. Maybe if you actually went to the library and read books, you would know that. But you don’t, so I have to put up with your ignorant, misogynist, absolutely insane theories about my life. I’m literally putting my thoughts out there in real time for you to read. I am not hiding anything. I don’t have to. I’m doing exactly what I was taught to do while getting my Bachelor’s Degree in English Literature. Yet you’re still sitting here acting like it’s the most insane thing you’ve ever seen in your life. Why?
Don’t like it? Don’t fucking read it. I don’t give a fuck. These stories are obviously not for you. Meanwhile, other people, you know, those outsiders who you hate so much, they love it. Why? Because they agree with me. They see my side of the story. They understand what it feels like to deal with the Fake Nice Mask and the constant backbiting and the entire insane idea that if you’re not one of them then you don’t belong here. I have that validation backing me. I’m not ashamed of anything I wrote and I’m not sorry for it either. I’ve done nothing but tell my truth.
The whole situation has gotten so out of hand. It’s actually crazy to me. Like, you literally don’t get to wake up one day and decide that you get to tell my story for me. You don’t get to spread these disgusting lies and get away with it. I hold the power. I hold the pen. I will tell my story myself and I’ll do it better than you ever can. Don’t like it? Write your own book. Use my real name so I can actually sue you for slander. Again, I don’t give a fuck.
I feel like… I’m so over it. I’m ready to get out of here and start living a real life around real people. I want to make real friends. I want to join a real community. I want to date real guys and go to really nice restaurants with French wine and unforgettable crab dips. I want to have a real job and a real apartment and a real life. Whatever this sick imitation of a life I’m trying to live is just not doing it for me anymore. There was a time when I genuinely loved living downtown, going out to the bars, meeting all these randos with fascinating stories. Truly, I loved that time in my life. I loved my apartment and my Muse and the fact that I wrote a story every single day. Now it’s over, that time is passed, and every time I go back to the town, it feels like my crops have all rotted on the vine. I’m ready to move on.
I feel stuck in a cycle I don’t know how to change. I feel like I don’t have the support network around me that I need to make it out. I feel like everybody in the world is just against me all the time, no matter what I do. I cannot even trust my own family anymore. It’s just a constant stream of negativity pouring out from everyone around me all the time and nothing I say or do can make it stop. Nothing. I’m literally doing the whole crunchy granola lifestyle thing and it’s still not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Nothing will ever change. It is the most exhausting feeling in the world. Turns out no amount of sunrise yoga can fix other people’s bullshit. Huh. Interesting. Who knew I had absolutely zero control over that?
I feel trapped. I feel like I’m slowly suffocating. I feel like I can’t get out. I feel like I can’t make anything in my life change no matter what I do. I feel like I am actually slowly beginning to actually go insane because I crave connection with others so badly and there is none of it around me. There is nothing here for me. Nothing at all. These people are all the same. The days and nights all run together. Time passes and nothing changes. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. Nothing can stop it. It’s out of my control.
I feel like I don’t know what my place in the world is anymore. I don’t know if I ever knew. It seems like I’ve been drifting for so long, taking turns down long winding roads, looking for the answers, going back and forth across the country, and nothing ever comes of it. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anyone to see. I don’t live a life that has any meaning. It’s like staring down the void constantly asking, “Why am I here?” and the universe refuses to respond. It all seems so meaningless to me now. Still I remain distant and adrift.
Where to go from here? I don’t know. All I know is that the world around me is going to shit and so is everyone and everything in it. So amazing. So blessed. So grateful. So happy to be here, you guys. Just kidding. I have to go stare down the dark, empty, cold nothingness of the black hole I’ve been sucked into.