A Whole Lotta Nothing To Say

I can’t believe I watched Obi-Wan Kenobi FOUR times in one day this weekend and I’m still sitting here staring at a blank page like… derp.

You’d think after 20 years of waiting for my fanfiction to come to life onscreen, I would have more to say than just, “It was great! 20/10, will watch again and again and again. It was everything I hoped for and more. I knew Ewan McGregor would never let me down!”

But no. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zero.

Sigh.

I need a new Muse. I’m seriously short on inspiration right now. I always write best when I have a Muse to inspire me. Unfortunately for me, I have absolutely garbage taste in men, so my Muses pretty much always disappoint me in the end. Their stories always start out strong, but they fall flat soon after and never really end up going anywhere. Such a waste of time. Isn’t there a man out there who can keep it up for the long haul? I’m drying up over here.

The Town No Longer Inspires. The Town is an ongoing nightmare I want to wake up from. I use that as motivation to keep up with my classwork and stick to my healthy lifestyle habits. Lately I’ve been doing so well. My summer is full of sunrise yoga, casual chats, checked off boxes, finished classes, and virtual events.

I’ve been working really hard on overcoming my so-called “Networking Anxiety.” Twitter helps a lot, believe it or not. There’s lots of writers out there taking their time to help others and build up their confidence. There’s nowhere near as much negativity and tearing others down as there is on say, Facebook, or in a bar in this town IRL. It’s a nice little escape for me at the end of the day.

Life is still pretty boring. I spend most of my time working on classes, watching TV/movies, practicing my languages, and hanging out at home. I’ve been out here and there, but… ugh. I’m pretty much over it, ya’ll. I’ve seen it all, I’ve heard it all, I’ve done it all, and I got the t-shirt. I’m completely tuned out to everything that’s going on.

I don’t try to make friends with people around here anymore (learned that lesson the hard way!). I don’t try to get involved with anything going on in the community. I treat everyone I come across as if they’re immediately going to start talking shit about me as soon as I walk away because that’s literally what they all do. I don’t care who is fucking who or who is fighting now or what the drama of the day is today. It’s a small town in the middle of nowhere. Talking shit and starting drama is what they do best. No one can blame me for no longer wanting to be involved. I’m very much enjoying my peace.

I had my fill about a month ago when Mad Dog had to go to the hospital and I had to deal with the Owner of a certain bar I have written extensively about acting like the giant, overgrown manbaby he is. It was… actually quite shocking and ridiculous. Like, this is how you behave when someone you claim to care about is having serious health problems? Grow up. You don’t have to have a screaming meltdown and throw a temper tantrum every time someone says or does something you don’t like. You don’t have to twist everything into a soap opera or spread rumors to cause excitement. You can communicate like an actual, real adult. Maybe if you did that, I might actually listen to you.

The whole thing made me realize this whole Bloody Mary’s drama was never about me. This is just how he behaves… with everyone. Whatever exciting thing happens nearby gets co-opted into the latest episode of his soap opera. There’s no room for clear communication, resolving misunderstandings, or settling conflict. It always has to be the most dramatic thing to ever happen in the history of ever so he can throw his public tantrum and feel like a man. It’s so obvious to me now in hindsight. I feel like a fool for allowing myself to get sucked into it. Never again.

God, I can’t believe I wasted so much time on that character. I clearly didn’t see it before. Now I can’t unsee any of it. He straight-up gives me The Ick. It’s like… damn, his wife must feel like she has three kids. If that’s how he is with regular people every day, he must be a nightmare at home. Yikes!

The only good thing that came out of that was me finally separating out Andrew from Sam. As best I can, anyway. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s on the Island of Lost Guys to stay forever. I don’t care anymore. His influence as a Muse was always highly questionable. Frankly, I’m just over it. I need someone who is going to take this job seriously.

So that was a thing that happened in my world. Honestly, it’s just about the only thing that’s happened recently. I’m sort of… fine with that. The whole experience reminded me how much I hate dealing with stupid, useless drama. I like not having anything exciting going on. It’s nice to be boring and watch a lot of TV. It’s just… you know… I wish something was going on to inspire me. It turns out working hard for what you want in life and delaying gratification so you can plan for the long term is BORING AF! Who knew? But hey, it’ll be worth it when the Euro drops below the Dollar next year and I’m finally living my best life abroad.

Ahhh… nothing like pumping out a bunch of garbage when sitting down to write for the first time in months. I suppose it’s better than what I’ve been doing, which is staring at a blank page for way too long. I guess I just have to keep working through all my anxiety shit and wait for the new stuff to come out. It’s all there inside me. It’s just not ready yet. When will it be ready? I don’t know. Today is obviously not the day. My sincerest apologies to all of my haters and fans.

Anything else to say today?

Nope.

Nothing.

Nada.

Goodbye.

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