How To Cure Your Hangover with the Perfect Homemade Bloody Mary

Hungover again? I understand. Being a writer is hard. Sometimes the only way we can really cope with our ridiculous existence is by pounding multiple double bourbon gingers back-to-back at the mediocre bar we only go to because our favourite bar kicked us out. Sure, it feels good to obliterate your brain cells in the moment, but the next morning we always regret it. Especially when we have a deadline to meet.

I’m not here to judge your lifestyle or lecture you about AA. You do you. Writers and Alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly. That’s just a fact. It has been this way for all of history and will continue to be so forever. It is what it is. That’s why I’m here to share my secret for concocting the perfect Bloody Mary to cure all of your ills.

Before we begin, one must understand the secret to making the perfect Bloody Mary is by mixing it to your exact specifications. You can add as much or as little of whatever you want in order to make it custom to your needs. All you really need to know is the basics and go from there.

First, you’ll need vodka. Obviously. Sure, you can do a non-alcoholic version, but for the sake of curing a hangover, a little bit of alcohol goes a long way. Now, don’t load it up. You don’t want to end up on a bender; you just want something to take the edge off. A shot and a half will do. I personally prefer to use Absolut for my Bloody Mary’s, but you can go for the cheap stuff if you really want to.

Second, you’re going to need some mix. In my ten years of bartending, I learned that a lot of people have very strong opinions about what mix is best. I tend to be scientific and try them all just because I can. For the sake of this article (and potential future business deals), I’ll recommend Zing Zang.

Third, you’ll need the spices:

  • Black pepper
  • Celery salt
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • A1 steak sauce
  • Hot sauce

As I’ve spent time in New Orleans, I have a strong opinions about hot sauce. Tabasco is not going to do the trick here. You need Frank’s RedHot Buffalo Wing sauce. This is going to give your Bloody Mary all the BANG it needs to bring you out of your coma and meet your deadline. If that’s too much flavor for you, I suggest The Original Louisiana Brand Hot Sauce as a second option.

As far as my preference goes, I prefer to only use a dash or two of Worcestershire. I usually go for 3-4 dashes of A1 and load it up with the hot sauce. What would my official measurement of hot sauce be? Approximately a fuckton. I personally never use horseradish, but some people love it. It’s your custom blend. Use whatever you feel like.

Now, add your salt and pepper, maybe a little spritz lemon/lime juice, and whatever else you feel tastes good (such as pickle or olive juice) and shake that sucker up!

Last but not least, you’ll need your garnishes. This is the fun part. A garnish could be anything. Here’s a short list:

  • Celery
  • Olives (preferably blue cheese-stuffed)
  • Jalapeno peppers
  • Pepperoncini peppers
  • Cheese cubes
  • Shredded cheese
  • Blue cheese chunks
  • Lemons
  • Limes
  • Pickles
  • Pearl Onions
  • Mini deli meat slices
  • Bacon
  • Shrimp

There are other options, of course. The secret to garnishing is scavenging your refrigerator for unexpected items that might add an extra twist. I’ve used all of these items (except the bacon, as I don’t eat pork), as well as various types of vegetables. This is where you should know that there is a very fine line between a Bloody Mary and soup. Know where that line is and never cross it. The incident with the frozen cauliflower immediately comes to mind.

Et voila! There you have it! The perfect cure for all of your hangover ills! Don’t forget to serve yourself a couple glasses of water on the side. You have a deadline to meet, friend. Now get out there and write!

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