How to Be A Writer Extraordinaire


Purchase domain name and set up blog. Write whatever comes to mind. Write creative nonfiction stories/scripts about real people who have hurt you, using fake names of course. Update website daily. Share content across your personal social media accounts. Leverage the ridiculously untrue rumors you’ve heard about yourself into publicity. Now, anyone who uses your name is advertising your work. Write your website URL all over the bathroom walls and sidewalk with chalk. Hand out homemade business cards advertising your site to everyone you meet. Get into an ongoing, public argument with the owner of your favourite local dive bar, who just so happens to be your secret Muse. Don’t be fooled by the mask. He is 100% in on it. He’s shady AF.


Piss everyone off. Everyone. They may hate you, but they definitely KNOW who you are. Everyone knows who you are. In fact, now you can’t go out in public without being recognized. Everyone is talking about you, and not in a nice way. Even people you’ve never met are talking about you. Bitch, you’re small town famous! #Progress


Realize you’ve gained fame, but not fortune. Now you’re broke, stuck in a small town in the middle of nowhere, AND everyone hates you. Drink bourbon to cope. Lots of bourbon. Put James Bond to shame with the amount of bourbon you’re consuming in a single night. Throw some drugs and bad decisions in there while you’re at it, just for funsies.


Go to the Paris Writing Workshop so you can get your shit together. It takes awhile to sink in, but eventually you figure out wtf you need to do to fix your shit, make money, and become the professional writer you were always destined to be. Finally find the courage to flee the small town in the middle of nowhere to come back East and start over.



I think I’m doing pretty well, you guys! Time to take the next step! Stay tuned for the exciting revival of the blog! Coming Soon to an Interweb near you…

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